Dommes gotta domme.

Dommes gotta domme.

Byrdie​(switch female){rl only} • Aug 11, 2018

In another thread, @PussNBootz asked "How did you fall into your style of submission or Dominance? Was it through experience, research, conversations, wants, etc?"

I’m asking a similar question of the dominant women here. How did you get to be where you are? What resources were the most helpful, memorable, or at least amusing?

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I've been in my local kink community for about 20 years, and before that I was doing research online (alt.sex.bondage, anyone?) or talking to kinky friends. I've read articles and books on kink, and my favorites in regards to being a dominant woman are:

* Bitch Goddess: the Spiritual Path of the Dominant Woman, edited by Pat Califia and Drew Campbell

* Manual Creation: Defining the Structure of an M/s Household, by Machele Kindle (Master Fire)

* Uniquely Rica: A Practical, No-Nonsense Approach to a Fulfilling Female-Led, Service-Oriented Dominance and Submission-Based Relationship, by Ms. Rika

* Wild Side Sex: The Book of Kink / Educational, Sensual, and Entertaining Essays, by Midori

* WOOF! Perspectives Into the Erotic Care & Training of the Human Dog, by Michael Daniels

* Family Jewels: a guide to male genital play and torment, by Hardy Haberman - forward by Fetish Diva Midori

* Anal Pleasure & Health, by Jack Morin, Ph.D.

* Playing with Taboo, by Mollena Williams

I also attended a lot of classes, lectures, and workshops. One of the most pivotal for me was both “The Art of Feminine Dominance” class and the Forte Femme weekend intensive - both taught by Midori.

I’ve been to kinky conventions such as Leather Reign (Seattle Area), KinkFest (Portland, OR), Southwest Leather Conference (Phoenix, AZ), Leather and Leis (HI), and Black Beat (Baltimore, MD). I’ve also attended munches and multiples of the Paradise Unbound kinky campouts. From time to time I actually even played with people - starting with getting kinky sample scenes from friends ("tastings", as they're called in Seattle) and moving on to full-blown scenes and relationships.

How’d you get to be the dominant woman who you are?

MissBonnie​(dom female){oz} • Aug 14, 2018

Hmm how'd I get to be the Dominant woman I am?

*ducks the coffee cups and glares thrown at her*
Baby I was born this way...

I started a little confused, ok make a lot confussed. I was pretty young (pre teen) and pre internet. Yep, I'm one of those that fell into the lifestyle at an age when I should of been doing other things. I'm not proud of it but own it, it was what made me, me. I knew I was different and I knew what I wanted. The library could tell me small bits of info, it was all I had, the letters BDSM and what it meant. I wouldn't be told other wise, I was going to have what I wanted. I ran away to find it and nearly killed myself trying to do so(several times). I knew I couldn't be alone in what I was feeling. I just didn't know the name (hence the confusion lol).

I ended up subbing to a Male Dom. I called it subbing, he called it hell! Who after some time and hair loss, gave me the name of what I wanted, Femdom. He then put me in touch with lifestyle Femdom that owned a house (old school ProDomme) I was then trained in house and taken under the wing of wonderful mentor and friend that I will be forever in her debt for. I did this for several years and then gave up but still kept all my industry friends most of which have now retired. I wanted a life that wasn't client based. I wanted the life we now call lifestyler. I wanted a career outside the industry. I wanted a family too. I was the age where most where just thinking about what to do after highschool.

My early Femdom/Mixed BDSM training was hard and fast, it was more technique based/skill set/safety than theory behind the action. I later on built on the "why" using a lot of trail and error. Pre internet was a rather rough time. We used magazines and newspapers to met and find others. We did a lot of waiting with no one showing up!. We didn't have the support, being Australian the scene was even smaller, across greater distances. Everything was more under ground than it is today, you had to know people. Books where even few and far between. We learnt from mistakes. We learnt from mentors. We learnt from those that went before us.

Like you, my later learning into the "why" side, came from ALT and several usergroups, yes I remember those days. The internet become this bright light in the darkness for me. I then drifted away from online for several years. I met partners and was lucky enough to have found good ones that lasted and still to this day survive (35+years). I didn't have the need for support or the education it offered. I had the knowledge to what I needed/desired to get by.

I returned to the online and real time community about 12 years ago but have now somewhat closed off the scene parts now (just dont have the need to play with others outside my poly family of 20+ yrs) Like you I did all the local events. .I was also lucky to have stumbled into some of the older Femdom websites and befriended the owners that offered me even more support.

During the last 12 years, the "whys" to the "hows" got well and truly answered. Of course though, I am still learning. I have the belief we never stop learning (our craft). Stupid people stop learning or think they know it all.
Like you , I've pretty much read everything I could lay my hands on, you named most of them. I also went back to school and studied sexuality/relationship based curriculum to obtain a degree. The best advise I got (and oldest) was to be true to myself and to be consistent and not try to be the biggest and best. Just find your happiness and balance in life. The lesson I learnt from my hard start...pay it forward! Help others find their feet. I found by doing that, I have to constantly look inward and I find, I keep on learning. That learning is what shapes me. Note: the "shapes" I don't think I'll ever stop being "shaped" by this lifestyle. Like a wine, I'm only going to get better

MasterBear​(other butch) • Oct 28, 2018

When I was first starting I found that a lot of the books didn't really apply to me. So many of them seem to be from a completely different socioeconomic space with completely different goals than I had.

Honestly what made me the Master that I am today was doing a lot of public speaking. Having to Define why I do what I do and break it down. The other thing that helped was when I wrote " M/s for the rest of Us" . I had to really stop and do some self evaluation as to why it was the things that I was doing was so significant to me.



I am also really careful to not surround myself by "Yes Men".

I actively seek the counsel of people that will challenge me to think differently and be better.

But the biggest thing the defines who I am has been the influence of my love. I would like to say that I could take credit for the kind of Master that I am. However the kind of Master that I am is because I have such an incredible slave. My slave makes me want to be a better Master everyday