Are doms always tops??? ⬆ (and subs bottoms) ⬇

Are doms always tops??? ⬆ (and subs bottoms) ⬇

Yafe​(dom male) • Apr 23, 2022

Recently, on several occasions, I came across an interesting dilemma with a sub I have been training and interacting with.
While instructing her to perform a set of acts, she commented that she is the sub, and I am the dom thus my requests are contradictory to our roles.

Generally, the terms Dom and sub refer to their relative roles in a RELATIONSHIPS. And usually, or commonly, Topping and bottoming refer to relative roles in ACTIVITIES.
When two people are fucking, there is usually one person who is active and one who is receptive. In BDSM activities, one person is doing unto, and one is being done unto. The active person is the top, the receptive person is the bottom.
Many people come into the lifestyle thinking that anyone who does unto, is dominant. Anyone who receives, is submissive.
That's not always true! And the purpose of this writing is to challenge this statement; Not all tops are doms. Likewise, not all bottoms are subs.
I would like to suggest that any role is NOT solid or permanent. There is a lot of fluidity in most people. Needs and desires change and mutate at in instant, or over a lifetime, within a relationship, for any reason or none. And motives, methods, preferences can be mixed together.
I can definitely suggest and give a 1st hand experience and advocate that Doms at their choosing can be bottoms and subs when directed can serve as great Tops.
So:
Is that a Taboo?? I would love to hear your opinion.
If you agree or disagree and would like to get further information and explanation let me know and I will be happy to elaborate!

House Talion​(dom male) • Apr 23, 2022

I've always enjoyed Domming from the bottom just so I can relax while my partner(s) do all the work for my pleasure.

Spellbound Wytch{Mr. Parker} • Apr 23, 2022

I'm one of those people who can't take a "dominant" seriously if he also bottoms. That's just me though and very far removed from what most people here will admit to and just my own backward and knee jerk reaction. 😉

Bunnie • Apr 23, 2022

“I can definitely suggest and give a 1st hand experience and advocate that Doms at their choosing can be bottoms and subs when directed can serve as great Tops.
Is that a Taboo?? I would love to hear your opinion.
If you agree or disagree and would like to get further information and explanation let me know and I will be happy to elaborate!”

This topic has come up a fair bit in different circles I’ve moved in, and it does seem to depend on what circles you move in as to what the more surface answers will be. Those who seem to be a bit more relaxed around the concept, tend to be more within the kink scene, where switching is pretty common, because it’s more about hedonism than control/power transference.

Regardless of you making the call or not, ultimately you’re Switching. I’ve been put in this position once, and in all honesty it made me angry, and damaged our relationship. He put his wants above my needs.
Needs? How so? My need is stability, consistency and being given the opportunity to understand clearly my role and position in the dynamic. Of course, not everyone’s needs will be the same as mine… that’s why not everyone would struggle being put in that position. It’s not a question of obedience. It’s a question of how I view my Master. Perhaps over time, with experience, that may change. Perhaps when I can better control my ability to be subservient regardless of outside influence, it won’t matter. I honestly don’t know. It’s definitely an interesting area that I have had much discussion around with people who by no means take this lifestyle lightly. Some say, ultimately if the girl is doing as asked, she is still serving her Dominant. Others say it will create cracks in the foundation of how she sees her Dominant.

The thing to remember is that neither of you are wrong in how you feel about it, perhaps you’re just simply not compatible in that way at this point in time, however, keep in mind that if you try to “force” your belief around it onto someone who doesn’t share the same view as you, it will be damaging, either straight away or somewhere down the line. I think with these kinds of things, we need to come to our own conclusions as to what feels right, and then find the O/other (s) compatible with that.

SirsBabyDoll​(sub female){Pizza+☕} • Apr 23, 2022

Interestingly, I was having a similar discussion with someone and I used this metaphoric example to explain roles.

Imagine two people are in a car. The person driving the car THAT THEY OWN is the Dom and they control the direction/forward movement/destination of the car and the pass anger is the sub.

Now, if the person driving the car doesn't own the car but the pass anger does, the driver is the service top. They TECNICALLY are in control, but under the direction and request of the owner, the passanger.

Now some people feel comfortable being both passanger or driver. They are switches.

ALL people are invested, but each person has a position that they feel most comfortable in.

I have always learned that the terms Too and bottom are more associate with limited interactions, such as at a dungeon while Dom and Sub are within dynamics.

But that's my two cents worth.

Re: Are doms always tops??? ⬆ (and subs bottoms) ⬇

Heero​(dom male) • Apr 24, 2022

No offense or judgement is meant, Gadol, but I'd like to begin by stating some issues I have with how the question is posed and the underlying assumptions.

Generally speaking, I don't think the question "Is it a taboo?" is a useful one within the context of bdsm...which by its very nature includes things thought "taboo" by the general population. It also gives me the sense that someone is insecure about their desires: "Am I *wrong* to want this? Should I be wanting something else?" Whether such questions are meaningful in this lifestyle is up for debate, though I can't see a strong argument being made for them belonging. If you fear the taboo, go be vanilla. People are largely in this lifestyle to escape such worries. (Again, no offense, my tone is a lot more friendly than the text would make it seem.) Better considerations are: is there consent, is this safe, are all parties comfortable with the activities, etc.

A second issue is the definitions. I would disagree with the definition that active = top = dominant and receptive = bottom = sub, particularly with the first two parts of the equations. If I command my sub to strip, drop to her knees and give me a blow job, is she a "top"? I don't think a lot of people would say "yes", though clearly she is active and doing unto me, and I am receptive and being done unto--granted, I gave the command, but as you can see, these definitions aren't great.

But moving on.

I assume what you are talking about is not activities like I described above, in which case, my answer would be a lot shorter than my preceding pet peeves. What you are describing sounds like "switching" to me. It is not for everyone and may not be for your sub. It is as simple as that. It is not a matter of taboo, or your desires being "wrong", it is a matter of your sub not being comfortable in a switch role. It is a matter of personal preference. Your sub is doing well to voice these. Do not take it as a slight against the validity of your desires or your role. It is merely not your sub's desire.

You are right, roles, activities, etc., are not "solid" or "permanent". But words should have meaning and will carry certain connotations. It may be that you should be using the word "switch" or the phrase "switch leaning dominant" as opposed to "dominant" when describing certain things. Maybe...I can't really say without knowing more about the situation, but that is what I think is going on here. There are many situations that I can think of where you can command a sub to do something to you and it not being seen as stepping outside of a top role by virtually anyone.

Solace​(dom male) • Apr 26, 2022

Whatever my weight is worth to others, I put it beside Heero's statement.

In short, if I tell my sub give me a blow job or even if I tell her to ride me...I am directing her to do these things and they happen through my will and my discretion. She is doing the action at my direction and her intent is to follow. Her location with respect to gravity, or her doing things to me is irrelevant in respect to who is in charge.

In a slightly lighter note, if her location mattered with respect to gravity (i.e. riding me), things would be very awkward if we were both astronauts in space.

Forge​(dom male) • Apr 26, 2022

IMO giving orders or directions does not necessarily make you a Dominant. Receiving orders or directions does not necessarily make you a submissive. I feel that the person in control, to what ever degree, is the Dominant in that particular situation and vice versa. Everyone plays both of these roles in their daily life, at one given moment or another. In a personal relationship, if I’ve given orders or directions to my sub to do or perform an act of some type and in the commission of that act, I don’t have control of what’s going on…then I’m not the Dominant.

SissyMaidSally • May 13, 2022

This question reminds me of a Dom friend of a friend whose tale I heard some years ago: She enjoyed pain including receiving a good caning, but was most decidedly not submissive, she often described herself as a 'Dominant Masochist'. She wasn't into any other traditionally 'submissive' acts or roles, she just liked a good caning and a bit of nipple torture from time to time; often to the point of verbally dominating a sub while they were caning her.

Some might see this as her being a switch with a bratty side, but that's not how she (nor her sub) considered herself; she just had a single role but diverse interests.

So is it common? No.
Is it Taboo? Definitely not.
Can it work? Yes, with the right Dom/sub pairing:
Finding a good Dom/sub pairing was more difficult for her (even as tricky as it is for most of us), and mostly due to others' perception of the acts. But her and her sub had been together well over a decade last I heard, and her sub by all accounts looks upon it as an act of service in her pleasure.

Re: Are doms always tops??? ⬆ (and subs bottoms) ⬇

moll​(other female){owned slav} • May 13, 2022

This is my opinion: A lot of people have ideas of what is and what isn't when it comes to roles in a bdsm relationship and for them it stands true, but not for everyone. When it comes down to it, a person can call themselves whatever it is they like and easily get other people to use that moniker, but it doesn't mean they are who they say they are.

As I see it, Dom/Master or submissive/slave (female or male) is a personality trait. A person is naturally dominant or naturally submissive. The person who enjoys the control vs. the person who enjoys being controlled. I have met people who have started out in one role and realize that it's not where they truly feel comfortable and then make appropriate changes. This usually plays havoc on relationships, but it's better to be your true self than force yourself to be something you are not.....I've seen that too.

Top/bottom is about whether one enjoys giving or receiving....as stated in the original post, but there are a lot of folks that enjoy both giving and receiving, hence the "switch." I've seen people try to switch between Dom/Master and sub/slave, but ... and this is my experience...it doesn't work.

So, absolutely, a Dom/Master can order his sub/slave to "top" them. As was said to me by another slave, "I 'top' my Master because it brings him pleasure and that brings me pleasure."

With that said: not all people are into S & M, but enjoy the M/s, or D/s, aspects. Not all Tops/bottoms desire an M/s, or D/s, dynamic. BDSM is what I refer to as an "umbrella" term. It encompasses extremely wide variety of types of relationship dynamics.