I had a Dom boyfriend but I'm not sure what he did was 'righ

I had a Dom boyfriend but I'm not sure what he did was 'righ

Virginie​(sub female){lcpw} • Sep 17, 2016

I promised my man that when we became monogamous I would be all his- and never say no to anything he wanted. I said it because he seemed to pressure me into it so frequently. After a few weeks of seeing each other he asked if if like to be exclusive and when I said yes not even 1 day went by before he reminded me of my promise. I will say there were MANY firsts for me & I did enjoy myself even through some pain. But- he would invite his 2 best friends over at least once a week and remind me of my promise - if I objected he'd gag me and let his friends have anal sex with me after he punished me down there with a belt for a long time. Afterward he was always loving... But I've never talked to anyone about any of it...is this typical?

Villanelle​(staff) • Sep 18, 2016

First of all, let me say that typical is relative. But some things are universally true.  

I want you to take a moment and click the link below from the BDSM Academy.  It outlines the difference between BDSM and abuse in a way that is pretty clear and common sense:

http://www.bdsmtrainingacademy.com/the-difference-between-bdsm-and-abuse/

I'd ask you to particularly note the bit about power:

BDSM:  a form of consensual power exchange where both participants are empowered
Abuse:  it takes away another person's power

Consent in any sort of relationship is paramount and can be given or withdrawn at any time.  Just because you agreed to something once does not mean you are contractually bound to keep consenting, past your level of comfort and even safety.  If your dominant does not respect your 'no' or is trying to pressure you in to doing something that you feel to be unsafe or dangerous, RUN don't walk to the nearest door.  He doesn't care about you and that is a devastating situation to be in.

If you need some help or counseling through this situation, I highly recommend visiting The National Coalition For Sexual Freedom at  https://www.ncsfreedom.org/   Not only do they have some great information about consent (September is CONSENT Month coincidentally) they also have links to professional resources that may be helpful.  If none of those apply, seek out your local BDSM community for support. Attend a munch and speak to your peers.  If you feel you are in danger and can't get out, don't mess around - just call the police.

As a submissive you should feel freed and empowered with a dominant you can trust.  Feeling scared and unsafe is NOT normal and you shouldn't allow yourself to continue in this situation.  You are valuable and worthwhile.  Take action.  I wish you the best of luck.

Virginie​(sub female){lcpw} • Sep 18, 2016

Thank you so much and I will read that right away

Wolf​(dom male) • Jan 30, 2017

I agree with Evangeline  on this. As a Dom submission is earned and no such time is anything to be  "taken" from a submissive. Some Doms are just on a power trip with no real thought to the subs feelings ,limits or what being a submissive is about. I do not the specifics of you arrangement so i can only say how i conduct myself as a Dom. I keep punishment private for that is a time when i discuss what my sub has done wrong and then give the appropriate punishment. I feel it is to be a time of learning not a sadistic show for his buddies. My philosophy is to train, help you achieve a greater understanding of who you are and what you can become under my instruction, to train you to please me and allow me to gain my pleasure from seeing evolve. I am strict but fair and all sessions are discussed as well as the introduction of new things. No tolerance for abuse in the life. Just some of my thoughts.
Wolf

R Bauer​(dom male) • May 23, 2017

Not sure if this is the place to post this. I'm looking to learn more about being a dom, but don't completely know were I fit into the bdsm spectrum.

Also dunno how to search for bars, clubs, and etc. In my area to ask and learn more. I live in Ottawa, Ontario Canada.

Thank you for any advice in advance.

Novice​(masochist male) • May 23, 2017

the line between use and abuse is very thin

anything uncomfortable to a sub is dubious

especially in a new relation

but I guess I am old fashioned

so, I think it has crossed a line, definitely

Kinkylocs​(switch female){Who cares} • May 23, 2017

I'm not in your shoes, and don't know the whole situations, but speaking from my own history of abuse, the fact that he reminded you of your promise right after you agreed, not to mention that this was something you agreed to because he was pressuring you, not because YOU wanted to do it, is a huuuuge HUGE red flag for me. It very much reminds me of the attitude my ex used to have, a legit sociopath. Abusers are very good at making it seem like they love you, or that they're sorry, or whatever to make you think that you're just making too big of a deal out of something.

If you bring up the fact that, even though you're willing to push some of your limits, certain actions he's taking are making you SERIOUSLY uncomfortable, and he tries in any way to make it seem like your the bad guy, GET OUT OF THERE! Be very aware of how this guy might try to manipulate you should you try to leave as well. Threatening to hurt you or himself, blackmail, "you just don't understand me," or aaaaaanny kind of guilt/threats for you honoring YOURSELF, don't take the bait!

And another thing, you say he'll punish you with a belt "down there for a very long time" I assume you're talking about your vagina and clit? Prolonged punishment in that area is dangerous in my opinion. I assume it could lead to some serious nerve damage, possibly leading to a lack of sensitivity, and who wants that?!

I don't want to sound harsh, and like I said, I'm only getting a snippet of this situation, but it sounds like this guy is in it for himself.

MelliferaSiren • May 23, 2017

R Bauer(dom male) filling in your profile would help, if only to know where you are.