Soft Limits

Soft Limits

ButterfliesAndCuffs​(sub female) • Jun 10, 2022

My dom, LJ, and I were talking about how he once knew someone whose dom used soft limits as punishments, and we were wondering what others in our community - on all sides of whatever slash you happen to fall on - think about that practice.

Do you believe that:

1) Unless a limit is Red then it is not definitely NO, in which case is it always at the discretion of the Dom?

Or

2) If it is not YES, and it is not NO, then is it not conditional and therefore a matter of trust between a dom and sub? And wouldn't using it against a sub be a violation of that trust?

This discussion led me to some other thoughts as well, such as:

How willing are doms to explore kinks with their subs that don't specifically do anything for the dom? These could be things that are not limits for the dom, just not of particular interest. I’ll give a couple of examples for clarification: if your sub is interested in rope, would you learn for him/her? Would you engage in role play if that wasn’t your kink?

Have you had a soft limit change after having been used as punishment, and did it change to Green or Red?

LongerJohnny​(dom male) • Jun 10, 2022

I'm looking forward to learning everyone's opinions about this. I'm sure there are a lot of things we didn't even think of. Should be very interesting.

Secret Mind​(dom male) • Jun 10, 2022

I believe that a hard limit can turn into a soft limit and then into a green kink/ fetish. For example anal, piss, and name degradation. Are a few kinks that I've seen submissives have as a hard limit but then after a little curiosity and exploring turned into green kinks/ fetishes.
But the same is for the opposite. Where soft limits can turn into hard limits.

I don't believe soft limits should ever be used as punishment. Those are the "I'm not sure if I like that" limits. The "Exploring when you feel fully comfortable and are ready" limits.
Forcing them onto someone can cause major physical and psychological damage. Making those soft limits into "never fucking try that with me" limits and potentially discouraging the person from ever exploring, growing, or trying anything new.

I'm fully willing to explore, learn and try kinks that I have zero interest in if it would make my submissive slave happy. Like rope or "Shibari". That shit seems like it would take forever and there's so much prep work you have to do on the ropes before using them. But if it makes her happy and it's something she wants to try then I'll do my best. Because lord only knows how many things she's been doing for me that she doesn't particularly like. So it's only fair.

ButterfliesAndCuffs​(sub female) • Jun 10, 2022

Thanks for responding, Secret Mind. I agree with a lot of what you said. I think if a soft limit was used as a punishment for me, it would very quickly turn into a hard limit. Instead, because my Dom has explored one of my soft limits during a time when we are both in a positive head space, he has made me actually want to experience it again. The first time would have potentially been pretty traumatic if he was displeased with me at the time.

LongerJohnny​(dom male) • Jun 10, 2022

Totally agree. And isn't it the hope that soft limits will find a home one way or the other if we try them? But until then, just like anything else, they are never to be used for any non-negotiated reason, perhaps especially something with the sort of potential consequences you mentioned. For what it's worth to you, I admire that you are willing to do that for your sub. There are far too few Doms/Masters who understand that the happiness of their sub/slave is in their hands.

Bunnie • Jun 11, 2022

Personally, I’m not a fan of the concept of limits being used as a way of punishment. If it’s going to be used as “ammunition” at a later date, what trust is there in divulging that information? And if that information can’t be divulged in a way that feels safe, there are very big problems that will arise from that lack of open communication.
These are the thoughts that came to me initially anyway.

Re: Soft Limits

I'mME • Jun 11, 2022

I would be a hard No for my limits soft or hard to be used as a punishment.

But I am of the school of thought as follows.
Anything that was and is used in with punishment be it a space, paddle, a specific part of a house, etc can never flow over to anything that is enjoyable .
Sexual punishments are a no go for me, yes I know many dynamics do it, i am not saying anything negative about their dynamics.

I strayed from your question and I apologize, my mind started wandering.
For me soft limits are things that I may have some thoughts about but a, willing to try and work through so if. Dim were to use a soft limit for a punishment, it would be disastrous for me.

Great question. I am curious as to what your thoughts are and everyone else's.

I'mME • Jun 11, 2022

A hard limit is not to be touched at all, that's why it is called a hard limit.

I'mME • Jun 11, 2022

Bunnie
Going down the road of soft limits being used in punishments would definitely hit my trust zone, then it's very difficult to get back from something like that.

LordofPain56 • Jun 12, 2022

The OP asked this question though she already has a partner, so my question to her question is this; why wasn't this all worked out in the discovery phase (courtship) prior to any type of playtime or punishment.
For example, I have a list of rules and draft of punishments. The rules can be compromised to a lesser degree and the punishments can be changed/revised to a greater degree based on her limits during negotiations in the discovery phase.
Once both parties agree on the final lists, the Dom is bound to her limits, period, in my view.
Isn't anybody doing this?