Suggestions on how to dive deeper

Suggestions on how to dive deeper

Svettttty • Jul 9, 2022

I’m having some trouble on staying surface level. Let me explain.

I was first introduced by my friend to the world of kink back in 2015. I have times actively searching for a dynamic online, but I seem to quickly drop out of them. It’s a bad habit of mine and I feel bad for the people that I go into with. It’s not their fault, but mine.

I grew up in a strict household. Anything sexual was hush hush, however, now that I am older I realize that I want to explore. To go beyond the classical flavor of vanilla. Not saying there is anything wrong with vanilla.

Now onto the troubled part. Me. I have the desire to grow; however, I slip back to surface level as soon as someone goes out of there way to try to hop in to take control. I think it has to do with it’s not IRL. I have met wonderful people on this open site; however, I can never seem to stick it out.

I have heard about going to “munches” or “events” to get to know what all is out there in person. I have a lot of knowledge when it comes to the kink community but no resources around me to really get to dive in.

I am hoping by writing this forum that I will get replies with suggestions on things I could try.

DrWakko • Jul 9, 2022

I suggest going to munches and other events to meet kink folks. From the munch you will get invites to parties, classes, and other events.

Miki • Jul 9, 2022

One basic thought.. There's nothing "wrong" with "surface level", if it makes you happy and works for you.

Yes, you posted that want to grow but that you "slip back". That seems to mean you're still happier at surface level.
Remember, there's no "official rule book" or list of "definitions" about what is "real kink" and what is not.

So I suggest, just go with what works. If there comes a time you go deeper and like it, there ya go. Don't force anything, neither you nor future partners will be happy for long in that scenario.

______________________________________________

Personally I deal strictly with IRL .... when active. (not a lot lately. Too busy for that crap right now---- rather than go online.

I'm only in here to do this kind of shit-- post my two cents to forums or message back and forth with the once-in-a-while member who comes along and enjoys ordinary conversation.

If someone presses too hard I remind them, this is not a dating site. But it has a "personals" section for those so-inclined, and I can assure any and all they didn't find me in there because in 4 1/2 years as a member I haven't so much as looked in Personals, let alone posted in there.


I digressed a lot, sorry. As for suggestions, well, for what it's worth, there you have it.

I'm sure there are others with other ideas and opinions and that's what the forums are all about, and hopefully they'll post to your thread here.

moll​(other female){owned slav} • Jul 9, 2022

My thought is that you are stepping back when things start to get uncomfortable, which is completely natural. Everyone has an innate sense of self preservation wired into our psyches and we run back to a comfort zones, even if those comfort zones are not exactly healthy places nor the place we really want to be.

This is what my Master told me before I accepted his collar as his submissive, being his slave came later when I felt I was ready to make that commitment: "if you accept my collar, at first you will set the pace and when you feel you are ready, I will take control."

So you set the pace on how deep you go. If you want to go to a munch....you don't have to engage with people...just observe...people will understand.

Baby steps and if you have to step back and reflect....then by all means do that. This is not a race, but a journey.

LordofPain56 • Jul 10, 2022

Okay, so going to your profile, I notice you are in Missouri. There probably aren't any munches or play-parties or anything like that near you unless you are close to St louis or possibly Kansas City.
There used to be an organization in St Louis called "leather and Lace" that held annual events, but I don't know if they exist anymore. I live fairly close to St Louis but was never interested in going to munches.
But I am a sadist and can get all the literature and training videos I want off the internet.
Regardless of where you live, try doing an internet browser search for local munches or BDSM events near you, but you might need to drive a hundred miles or so.

corruptedgirl​(sub female) • Jul 11, 2022

Oooooo I am experiencing this exact same problem! I'm going to be reading all of these replies if I can for advice.
But also just wanted to comment to say you aren't alone in your experience.

I was in a job for 6 years that required me to be sooo so guarded and in control of not only myself but my surroundings that it became near impossible to hand over the reins to someone else. I'm still trying to untangle the mess that made for me and so I still struggle with submission.

I find that if a Dom attempts to make me do anything I feel is 'degrading' (even if it's actually not intended that way) I tend to snap straight out of any submissive mind set and just feel almost angry even though the Dom has done nothing actually wrong.

Sometimes we just have to accept that we have baggage or values and beliefs that we were given through life by others that stay with us and create blockages of shame or resentment or just makes it feel 'wrong' even when it's not.

I don't have the answers but I'm on a similar journey!

mjss • Jul 20, 2022

Hi Svettttty

Would it be possible you are trying to dive in to deep to quickly? I know sounds daft but it takes a lot of trust to feel comfortable to start relinquishing control over things you have always done yourself.

Trust in a Master/Mistress takes ages to build up and jumping into this lifestyle can feel overwhelming even know you want it.

Any good Master/Mistress will be there for you to talk to and discuss how to go forward and try little things first and as you become comfortable with that, you may find that you can move on.

Just my 2 pence worth, hope it helps in some way.