A little help

A little help

Atlaz • Jul 26, 2022

Hi, I'm new here and i have to say i have no experience whatsoever and this is literally the first BDSM community i join so.... i hope you will forgive me if i say something wrong, but i really have some questions:
1- How do i know if iam sub or dom? I already researched some things, imagine, saw videos and have sexting with a girl where i was the dom but was really a long time ago ( andI didn't know exactly what I was doing, so i don't know if counts for something) and to be completely honest i like both sides. So how do i find out?

2-I'm from Brazil and fetishes can be pretty frowned upon here, because of this I can't find books, videos or anything of really learning vallue. Could someone give me some advice or tips on where to find something for reference?

moll​(other female){owned slav} • Jul 26, 2022

First, welcome!

I've been told that The Cage has a lot of good articles about BDSM. I haven't read any myself, but definitely worth a look. Just keep an open mind and pick out what works for you.

Whether you are Dom or sub, in my view, is about personality. There are a lot "tests" or "quizzes" all over the internet that supposed to tell you, but honestly, the only person that can determine that is you. Also, you don't have to be either if you are more interested in S&M and not Dominance/submission. These are not the same things.

There are a lot of good books about BDSM that you can purchase an online copy. The books that were recommended to me were "Screw The Roses, Send Me The Thorns" and BDSM 101 by Jay Wiseman. Basically anything by Jay Wiseman. You will find a lot of fantasy based books and books that depict the experience of the author, so be careful.


Word of warning.....there are a lot of people who will try and tell you that you have to be this, that, or the other in order to be in this lifestyle...it's BS. There are a myriad of levels, desires, kinks, etc, etc and there are no set rules to what or who you have to be. Just be true to yourself and if it feels wrong for you....then it's wrong.

Hope this helps.

Atlaz • Jul 27, 2022

Moll, thank you very much!

Chalybe​(dom male) • Jul 27, 2022

try bdsmtest.org. The results on that one can vary some even if you take it twice 5 minutes apart, but it will get you in the neighborhood. On here there is a BDSM checklist - just think honestly about each activity - and each side of the slash - does it turn the crank for you? This will probably change over the years.
Moll speaks wisely, you be YOU, not what someone else thinks you should be. It's just more fun.

And don't rush into things. Look up the terms "sub frenzy" and "dom frenzy"
My mom used to say "Act in haste, regret at leisure." That applies here.