Coping with loss of first Dom

Chalybe(dom male)	Chalybe(dom male) 3 years ago • Jul 28, 2022 3 years ago • Jul 28, 2022 Chalybe(dom male) • Jul 28, 2022 Difficulty in having an orgasm can also be garden variety depression. DAMHIKT OP is probably more than a little situationally depressed right now.

I'mME

3 years ago • Jul 29, 2022

Re: Coping with loss of first Dom

3 years ago • Jul 29, 2022

► dizzyjo wrote:

Hello, I am very new to this world. I've always had my kinks/fetishes as long as I can remember, before I even really knew what I was feeling..
I didn't really have a way to explore it until my now ex. She was my first Dom and I guess I am just feeling so lost. This truly feels harder than a normal breakup and i'm worried maybe I'm being ridiculous.
However I'm finding myself having a hard time cumming on my own when I masturbate.. I'm not sure if it's just a mental block due to stress or what but I hope it won't be like this forever...
I'm so scared of starting over. I don't know if anyone can help me but I was hoping maybe someone, anyone would have advice. I'm really struggling.

Did your Dom own/control your orgasms?

I'mME

3 years ago • Jul 29, 2022

► idClare wrote:

Hello. {{{Hugs}}}

Modified behavior only continues for so long without reinforcement. This means the orgasm control conditioning will fade because its not being reinforced.

Something to keep in mind is your emotional state can have an impact on the process of reconditioning. An example is whether or not your tightly clinging to the past relationship or whether you are in the process of acceptance and letting it go. Basically, you have to want to deprogram and let go of the conditioning. Does that make sense?

Just know that where ever you are at with the loss of this relationship, its valid. You and your heart are in the exact place you need to be at this moment.
{{{hugs}}}

One thing you might try if your heart allows, is to imagine, in detail, a past scene with your ex Dom as you stimulate yourself, and imagine them giving permission or commanding you to orgasm.

Blessing. <3

I'm going to disagree with:

*This means the orgasm control conditioning will fade because its not being reinforced.*

If we were just talking about orgasm control conditioning, it may fade. But with orgasm control/denial there is no reinforcement. If a s-type's D, M, O takes ownership of their orgasms and says No, or keeps them in denial, then there is no reinforcement. They do what is ordered. If someone is in a relationship for 30 years and their orgasms belonged to their partner, and their partner passes unexpectedly, IMO, something [a letter, a friend of the Dom to release them from what is literally ingrained/conditioned upon/into them. [ it is a kink, owning orgasms, nonetheless]

I realize that people do not think it could happen to them, but s-types, just think about something you do without thinking about it [bc your partner wished it to be] although I'm sure that there are many things that can come to mind not just one thing.
Many D, M, O achieve that by conditioning, some by corporal punishment [never healthy], some describe what they want and then have patience so that the s-type comes to doing it second nature.

In my non professional opinion, I believe it is the duty of a Dom, [I don't mention Master and Owner for a reason] to leave a s-type in as good condition to move on in a healthy manner as opposed to what happens at least 60-70% of the time.

I'mME

3 years ago • Jul 29, 2022

► Petra wrote:

You're not being ridiculous please don't think that way. My Ex was also my first dom and he left me in January. Its earth-shattering. I felt completely lost and adrift without this person in my life who showed me love and comfort and gave me structure it was like my world came shattering down around me. And he left me in a manner that made any kind of friendship or communication impossible for me (He left me via text). The best advice I can give you is let yourself step back for a while. The grieving process sucks but eventually, it will hurt less. I relied heavily on one of my best friends who is a submissive I met here on the cage for support. Find people to talk to who will listen and you feel comfortable sharing with. A kink aware/positive therapist can be really helpful as well. And remember the pain won't last forever.

A therapist, why not write all the things down that they made you feel and feel about them. Then write down all the things that you felt and had to deal with when they decided to dessert you through a text.......... Much better than therapy.

I'm truly sorry that someone treated you so shitty. [Only word that I could think of that described how I think about that person that harmed you so callously ?]

You read as such a lovely person, and my idea above some may consider extreme. I don't, want to know everything an s-type thinks, why deprive them of the ending..

Wishing you well and light for the right D for you to come into your life.... ?

I'mME

3 years ago • Jul 29, 2022

► Chalybe wrote:

Difficulty in having an orgasm can also be garden variety depression. DAMHIKT
OP is probably more than a little situationally depressed right now.

Why does it need to be depression? You think taking control over a s-type's orgasms has nothing to do with it, not being able to cum? Or the manner in which they leave? Like a adult or like a rodent?

How much time have you ever given thinking about this subject?

Low{BLK OWND}	Low{BLK OWND} 3 years ago • Jul 30, 2022 3 years ago • Jul 30, 2022 Low{BLK OWND} • Jul 30, 2022 Hello going through it as well and it does hurt I know I'll be ok and you will two Sometimes things are bittersweet Especially relationships

RizzoKenickie(sub female)

3 years ago • Jul 31, 2022

I know this devastation... not once but twice.
I can tell you it will get better, even when you think there is no way you'll be able to move on...
I ran the gauntlet trying to fill the hole that was blown into my chest when he left me the first time. I was beaten, abused and tortured in every way possible by all manner of "fake" out there.
I urge you to not rush to do the same. Take time to heal.
I'd be happy to share my story with you and would be happy to listen to yours.
Reach out to me if you'd like.
Good luck ?

Chalybe(dom male)

3 years ago • Jul 31, 2022

Above you - yes you - asked if orgasm control was involved, and did not get an answer from OP. So now you insist that is what it has to be.
Read what I said before you jump next time, I said "can". As it can be a reason. Not "IS" the reason.
I find it disheartening that everyone has jumped on this "orgasm control" idea, where does OP said this is the way it was?
How much time have I spent thinking about this? Certainly longer than it took you to twist my words and jump. Hmm... maybe 43 years?

Occam's Razor: The simplest solution is usually the correct one.

► I'mME wrote:

► Chalybe wrote:

Difficulty in having an orgasm can also be garden variety depression. DAMHIKT
OP is probably more than a little situationally depressed right now.

I'mME	I'mME 3 years ago • Jul 31, 2022 3 years ago • Jul 31, 2022 I'mME • Jul 31, 2022 Chalybe, Is your comment directed at me? You didn't address anyone by name.

I'mME	I'mME 3 years ago • Jul 31, 2022 3 years ago • Jul 31, 2022 I'mME • Jul 31, 2022 Chalybe, I'm pretty sure it was, since I am the one who asked the OP the question. I am aware that OP did not answer. It seems you may be confused. My posts are directly to others that wrote posts. I never answered the OP's question for them. YES, it is funny how people jump the gauntlet.