How to get over a bdsm breakup ?

This question is mostly for subs but doms feel free to answer as well

I’m currently going through a hard breakup . This is my first bdsm breakup . It is so different from a vanilla breakup and I am completely lost .
How do you go back to making decisions on your own ? How do you go back to seeing yourself as your own person and not an extension of someone else ? How do you unlearn all thé things ? I can’t even cum without feeling guilty because I’m so used to having to ask for permission

One of the first steps is something called removal. Remove reminders of him from your life, and replace those things with something new that is all about you. An example could be that you had a shade of lipstick that was his favorite. Throw it out, buy something that you like because you like it. Another might be having his contact information saved in your phone, delete that and the message history and replace that with a good mindfulness app that you open instead of going to text him.

Another step is devaluations. Devalue him in your mind, be critical and be mean. Rename him something like “Jerkface” and refer to him that way. Realign your thoughts and opinions with your own viewpoints and validate those. You are capable and strong and you matter (little mantras like that)

As for not being able to cum without feeling guilty, devaluing his authority should help in this. Go slow, don’t force it and don’t focus too much on the orgasm, and when it feels good tell yourself that it’s okay to feel good without his permission. You are your owner now, and it’s up to you to care for yourself. Allowing yourself to feel good is part of taking care of yourself.

I hope that helps!

It does help a lot thank you
I’ve been referring to him as shithead , it helps a little I guess

It is a small thing, but yes it does help!

Is it a hard break-up (emotionally difficult) or a BAD break-up (negative words and actions done)?

If it's a hard break-up, why does he need to be devalued? You loved him. You chose to love him and for *ME* (and this is just how *I* work), I try not to regret loving someone because if I start to view my ex's in that light, I start to doubt my own decision making. Basicly, vilifying my ex's is a form of self abuse (for ME). I remember the good parts, the parts that I loved, but I ALSO remind myself WHY we broke up. I remember my boundaries and remind myself, every day, that I'm worth more than he could provide.

Maybe he will be good for someone else, but not for me and THATS OK.

Give yourself grace, and permission, and time. It's ok to mourn the death of a relationship. You WILL go through the same stages. Grace, grace, grace....

The process of devaluation has nothing to do with the person, it’s not about you, and it’s not about the relationship. It is a method of removing the ties of ownership that she refers to. Devalue his authority, his name (don’t think of him as Master), his rules, his preferences and so on in order to loosen the grip of an ownership style relationship.

I THINK I can understand what you mean. Another alternative would be to think of him by his first name rather than his title.

I never had orgasm restrictions so that one I cant comment on. It's out of my scope of knowledge.

I’m sorry you feel lost. I think it’s normal to feel lost, but give yourself goals or a sense of purpose. That will look different for everyone. Is there maybe a goal or even a hobby that you may have been too busy to do? Try to work on that goal or hobby. Also, maybe call a friend up or two and see about going to do something with them- getting coffee or a walk. This can help you feel so much better( with the right friend). It’s ok to feel sad for a while, it can be really tough. It will take time- I know that sucks to hear- but it’s a process.

It was a sudden breakup . We had no problems that I was aware of at least . He did the whole “ its not you , its me “ bullshit . At first I just i thought it was just a hard breakup but the more I thoughts about it , the less I put him on a pedestal , the more I took the love goggles off I realized it was Bad breakup .

That's progress.... Taking a good look at what you want different. I found that a lot of my feelings were about me, how could I have been so fucking dumb.

I take responsibility for thinking that they were going to recognize, acknowledge my efforts, quit being cold, distant, humiliating me, claiming at the end they did not that's how I felt. I kept telling myself, they would see that I kept my efforts up, despite how I felt, it took a toll on me. ''Lets not chat anymore '' [that's how he left] He still had the power to do better, but it was never about us, it was all about him.

I accept my share of the responsibility. I should have not given him the benefit of the doubt. Someone that cares about you does not do things to harm you.
It's still sucks, but all I can do is keep giving myself a break and trying to forgive him.

It's not happened yet, but I know I will get there.

Just tske some time and if you can look at like maybe an outsider would. Set some boundaries for yourself that will serve and help keep this from happening again.

Good luck. I'm quite sorry that you have to feel this way at all. ?





People know what they do.