Teaching about BDSM

Teaching about BDSM

Muffin • Aug 15, 2022

Dynamic:
I am in an monogamous relationship. My husband/slave and I have a 24/7 power dynamic. Our out of scene dynamic is subtle, but constant.

Situation:
We have a mutual friend who is interested in learning about BDSM and possibly exploring it. I love teaching (personality trait, not BDSM specific) and my slave and I have agreed that opening that part of our life to our friend is something we are okay with. My slave and I have no interest in opening our relationship sexually but we would like to help our friend learn. We (three) have had some preliminary discussions about opening the subject to conversation as well as the possibility of nonsexual scenes.

What I hope others here will help me with:
What questions, and follow up questions, should we ask and discuss in our beginning conversations. What hard limits should I make sure are covered in the conversation. I want to make sure that as many bases are covered between my slave and I, regarding what is open to discussion and what we are (mutually) willing to make available to our friend, before it comes up in conversation with him. We both want to make support his interest in exploring the Scene and ensure that he is equipped with the knowledge he needs to play safely if he decides to explore the world of BDSM/kink.

FlyingAlan​(dom male) • Aug 15, 2022

I love teaching new subs and such. Two things I try to do right away is have them look at the 9 levels of submission. It lists from mild to slave. As I tell them, there is NO right or wrong answer, it just lets me get into your head a little and lets me know what resonates with how you feel the most.

The next thing I get them to do is Find, fill out, and E-mail me a BDSM checklist. This tells me a lot, but a lot of it is simply, do they go and do it ? If a new sub cant even be bothered to fill out a checklist to show me they are interested, how much interest and time should I invest in them ? so it's a good first test. BUT, then once you get it, the list can tell a Dom a LOT. what turns them on ? What really turns them OFF i.e. hard limits. But if you will tell me what turns you on, I will use that information against you to make you as turned on as I can get you. If reg couples had this level of communication, divorce rates would be down. Prob so would marriages as well though LOL

As far as non-sexual, to a lot of us, the D/s is more important than the sex. You should be able to instruct and lead as a Dominant without sex. Dominatrix's do it all the time. I have met several women where I never took my clothes off, yet they had multiple orgasms and had a great time. So you just need to be crystal clear ahead of time so no one is confuse to where the limits are.

FlyingAlan​(dom male) • Aug 15, 2022

Oh, I should add one more thing. A LOT of the time, a new sub WILL either develop deep feelings or straight out fall in love with their first Dominant. MANY of us have the same story, I knew I was "Different" since the early 80's. It wasn't until the internet came around in the 90's that I found information, realized I wasn't alone, and that there were a bunch of other kinky people out there that liked the same things I do. Not only that, but they liked having done to them what i liked doing !! What a revelation.

The first time we find someone that "gets it" and gets us, one can't help but develop attachment and feelings to whatever degree. Be aware that no matter how much they might say they won't, it's super hard not too when you mesh really well.

balloonkotinsp • Aug 16, 2022

I would put myself in the category of the friend more than the poster. With that said, maybe I could piggy back on the post itself. I'm learning the ropes here and my question to those does who read this might help me out. How and when do you determine when to be firm and demanding and when do you find it necessary to be soft and kind. Really, just to ask what are your methods and ways to put your foot down and when. Any input greatly appreciated. Also, if I've stepped on anyone's toes by asking this, I apologize. And will post this separately. Thx.

FlyingAlan​(dom male) • Aug 16, 2022

Again just my $.02 here.

I personally feel every relationship is as diff as the two people in it. Anyone that has the cookie cutter rules for a sub are just not realistic IN MY OPINION LOL

They tend to ebb and flow on their own a lot of the times and in answer to your question, it all depends on the sub. My slave of over 5 years has had exactly 1 punishment spanking in our relationship. She hated it enough that she made sure to never get another one. Now honestly she isn't a brat and doesn't need attention and correction at all, so it has been very nice. However I have also dated a brat, and she got multiple spankings. Honestly, she made sure she got multiple spankings. I'm seeing someone right now that took to all of this like a duck to water and I really don't see many punishments in her future. She has learned and embraced being a slave, she wants to please, she shouldn't need much in punishment spanking at all. However, she loves pain, giggles thru it most of the time. I have yet to find out at what point the giggling stops and she actually pays attention to the feeling. However I WILL find that point at where it stings enough to not giggle when I flog her. It's still nowhere near a punishment spanking and the mindset is 100% different as well.

I know that didn't clear a thing up for you, but it is what it is LOL

balloonkotinsp • Aug 16, 2022

Flying Alan,

I have a couple questions concerning brats. If I could message you directly. If you don't mind lending a bit of knowledge. Thank you.

Muffin • Aug 17, 2022

It depends on the relationship. I don't use punishment to correct my slave, we have a word/specific name. If I use that he knows that I am using my status as his mistress. And I'm usually only firm in that way when his health is involved. But that's us. How you interact with each other should be discussed at the beginning and checked in on throughout the relationship.

Something you or they thought would work doesn't, or new ideas are introduced and need to be negotiated. Open, trusting, two-way communication is the most important part of a relationship and it is even more necessary in a BDSM/Kink dynamic