What it's like for Dommes

event horizon{NotLooking} • Apr 28, 2022

I haven't replied on this in a bit because there is just too much to reply to and it's daunting lol.

However, I'm glad so many Dommes have been able to empathize and share their own experiences. And I agree somewhat with the people who've said that these submissives (or "submissives") are displaying immature behavior. However, I don't know if it's always immaturity, or always solely that. Many people can be mature in many ways, but also be self-centered and ignorant. I would wager that self-centeredness and ignorance is a larger part of the problem than immaturity. People (mostly men, let's be real) just don't care about anything but their own orgasms, and see us as merely a means to that end. We can't possibly have personalities, wants, desires, or thoughts of our own worth considering.

Although some of this behavior has also been exhibited by cis & trans women of varying sexualities, I would say it is dramatically fewer in comparison to straight cis men. And because of it, not gonna lie, I'm pretty done with straight cis men right now. They can't dress themselves, can't talk to women without being gross, don't know how to fuck, and some can't even wash their own asses because they think it's too gay. I'm opting out until further notice.

Subbie Bear​(sub male){iso FLR} • Apr 29, 2022

Miss Oceanic,
Respectfully, I am sad you decided to opt out. Your input makes a difference here and it gives many that read this some food for thought. You will be missed!!
Subbie Bear

event horizon{NotLooking} • Apr 30, 2022

I didn't say I'm leaving the site, I said I'm not fucking with straight men anymore lol.

Byrdie​(switch female){rl only} • Nov 1, 2022

I want to able to auto-filter mail by my personals search criteria: gender, age range, distance, and role. Messages from anyone who fits what I'm looking for go to my inbox, messages from anyone else go to the "bulk" or "filtered" mailbox. I try to make my profile as clear as possible regarding who I'm looking for, and it doesn't stop people who either:

* have a scatter-shot approach to looking for dommes
* want to somehow be the "special one" who inspires me to abandon my preferences

So, fine, I understand that they won't read - or won't care if they read - what I'm looking for. Just let me filter them out, already.

Estaria​(sub female) • Nov 1, 2022

I'm not a dominant, but I agree! So many messages from male dominants who obviously did not read my profile or look at my tag or really take any time to formulate a worth while response. Would be nice to have a way to filter, in any way. Lol

Mistress Kassandra​(dom female) • Nov 1, 2022

Most men on and out of the lifestyle are needy children and subs even more frequently act as such.

It's unfortunate that what a Domme is seeking doesn't even compute in a subs mind no matter how clearly written a profile can be. My perception is that it's more an issue than another platform as this community is smaller so there are fewer Dommes here than other platforms.

Knightsundere​(sub male) • Nov 1, 2022

It's a little crude but you could put a message saying "use x word as your DM subject or get ignored" in your bio somewhere (I put my sexuality on the very top and still get old men dming me lol). That'd at least let you know which ones even glanced at the bio :<

Byrdie​(switch female){rl only} • Nov 1, 2022

I already know that just from a cursory glance at their profiles. It doesn't stop their messages from popping up in my inbox.

I know that trying to change their behavior doesn't work. I don't think that I should have to go through the effort to check to see if they have. That's why I'm rooting for technology to help us out with this.

MissBonnie​(dom female){oz} • Nov 1, 2022

I can attest that the numbers here are just the same everywhere else, where those after financial incentives are removed.
The removal of play to play and those wishing tribute has dramatically changed Female Dominant numbers EVERYWHERE, more so on HONEST sites that do care about their submissive users (such as caged!)


it is sad that "some" sensation junkies (wont call them subs) aren't more proactive in their search and more respectful to those that have put effort into a profile.

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Nov 2, 2022

Thank you Oceanic for starting this conversation!!

i have a few thoughts to add to the conversation.

i've long thought about the differences between men and women. my own journey has taught me to look for and try to identify those things that are conditioned into us, where we just run on auto pilot vs identifying why we act as we do.

Neuropsychiatrist Louann Brizendine M.D. has written "The Female Brain" and "The Male Brain." i found both to be fascinating reads. Particularly, i found it informative how a baby girl starts connecting and establishing patterns of communication (visual cues) in the first weeks after birth, where a male baby takes about half a year to establish similar skill. So apparently there's a physiological difference that affects communication from the onset.

There's innumerable culturally conditioned elements for both male and female. When i was growing up, one subtle, and overt message was, males are rational, females are emotional. I think part of the effect of that notion is a lot of guys end up emotionally handicapped. Being conditioned to deny ones feelings doesn't make them go away, that denial stunts awareness and growth. Working as a male nurse in a field mostly populated by females, i've experienced more rational women than i did when working as a corporate executive in a male dominated environment. i think part of the reason is because women learn to be aware of their emotions and are able to develop more wholly in that respect.

i grew up in a family that did not communicate. i remember working overtime trying to engage with my family, especially my father, when i was a kid, but he was a man of few words. i later discovered a consequence was i learned to "people read" as my method of trying to know and figure out where people were coming from. I.e., i was not taught the skill of communication.

i was an avid reader from an early age, so books were my best friends, but they only talked, they didn't listen, and i didn't learn how to 'speak,' i.e., communicate to any degree of depth.

i think in many ways, i grew up as a 'typical male,' but am also gay, so there was that, lol. Brizendine promises to write a book on the gay brain, which she believes is a cross between male and female brains.

One of the worst deficits of my conditioning as a kid was much of my communication was based on "people reading." i even bought a book at age 15 called "People Reading." The big problem with that for me was, people reading can only take one so far, and at the end of the day, no one can 'read minds.' i do not think my malady is/was unique! i think it's pretty common amongst guys. One affect of not being taught how to communicate is to (unconsciously) assume one knows what the other is thinking/feeling... without them actually telling them. EEEK, that one is awful.

Another mistake i see a lot of guys make beyond assuming that the other person already knows what they are feeling/thinging on a topic (sans words), is the reverse. Projecting ones on thoughts/feelings onto another. As ridiculous as it sounds, i think a lot of guys just run on auto pilot. i think many (not even consciously) often assume that, for instance, if someone calls Their Self "Domme/Dom," that they feel, see and want the same thing vs asking first. i.e., the guy sending naked photos or lurid details of wants would love to receive such a message, and acts as though those he contacts are just the same. It's very self absorbed and immature, but i think it's often that simple.