So I’m a sub, and my wife is vanilla, and this happened…

So I’m a sub, and my wife is vanilla, and this happened…

CuzKitKate​(sub gender fluid) • Nov 13, 2022

In my past, I was collared, and my Dom was nearly quadriplegic (Duchenne muscular dystrophy). Because of this, he trained me very well to orgasm on command. I trusted my (vanilla) wife with this bit of info, and she has begun to use it as a way to “get me off” without actually touching me. She did it last night, without any sort of forewarning, and with zero aftercare. I feel repulsive, and used. It felt like a quick fuck from a dude. She refuses to enter into a D/s dynamic with me, and only utilizes the things about it that serve her. I feel like I’ve been punished for no reason.

ropefish • Nov 14, 2022

That sounds awful, hate to hear anyone go through that sort of experience. I hope you feel safe telling them how that made you feel, and I hope they respect you and your boundaries enough to change their behavior in the future.

Miki​(masochist female) • Nov 14, 2022

Sounds toxic to me. That she "uses" this to her advantage.

However do remember. This topic (BDSM with Vanilla partner) comes up fairly often in here. Neither should expect the other to
"cross the street" and become that which they are not. Trying this never works as one is asking the other to be and do that which is not in their nature.

Mixed D/s and "vanilla" couples have two sensible choices IMHO:

If there are other areas of the relationship/marriage that are positive, enjoyable, and rewarding, decide whether one being twisted and the other not is a deal-breaker, or can be worked around.

or

Decide that the lack of "proper satisfaction" is indeed a deal breaker and go your separate ways.

The alternative, expecting the other to play in your (rhet) sandbox and vice versa leads to frustration and dissatisfaction and will be a deal-breaker sooner or later. It almost never ends well.

As I always say, "It's No Good if you Have To Force It."

ALittleLove​(sub female) • Nov 15, 2022

It pains me to think someone that's supposed to love you treats you this way.
I think you should have a very serious talk about boundaries and how this made you feel.
You should be able to trust each other. And they need to know this hurt you and that it's not acceptable.

MasterDomDok​(sadist male){you?} • Nov 16, 2022

Feeling repulsed is indicative. It indicates that her actions are toxic, your confidence had been sullied, and she has determined that she is ready to end your relationship.

Call her on it, and get it over with.

IowaDom​(dom male) • Nov 16, 2022

Playing devils advocate here ... it is impossible to truly formulate an objective opinion on this without the key witness - motive. Sure, we can all cry abuse, manipulation, and a varied host of other horrible thoughts and accusations, but... where is the witness? The motive!!! Understanding the dynamic between ANY couple means gaining access to information that only exists behind the closed doors where they BOTH are.

And please lets remember one thing, - in vanilla land (and I would venture to say here too) it doesn't exactly take Perry Mason to talk a person into having an orgasm, and most would volunteer faster than Bill Clinton at a cigar rally, epecially with somebody they are already intimate with. The problem may not be abuse at all, might just be a perceptual thing .. I think the OP needs to have a NICE heart to heart chat and get some more intel.... remember ... she is NOT into BDSM, and likely has no clue at all about things like "aftercare" or the need for safe, sane and consensual!

Just my 2 cents
~ID~

BrittanyD​(switch female) • Nov 22, 2022

in my opinion.. the best thing that you can do is sit down and have an honest conversation about it, and how it made you feel.

i am on the other side of that coin myself. my fiance. was trained long before i met her.. and we found out early in our relationship that she could get off on my command. the difference is. we are both kinky. you and yours are not..

the way i see it. her being able to do that on command, is a sign of how much she trusts me. on my end, that is a great amount of trust and responsibility that i need to live up to every day... do i use that power to play.. yes.. do i use that power when she least expects it.. most definitely. but if she ever told me that i made her feel uncomfortable in any way with that, that would be the end of me using that power. period.

talk to her about it. be honest. and if she isnt willing to change on that, or try to understand what her actions did to you.. then you know what you need to do from there.. and no one can make that decision except for you.

best wishes

MasterDomDok​(sadist male){you?} • Nov 23, 2022

Just make sure when you DO sit down to talk, that you have a copy of your hottest 3 femdom porn reels ready for her learning curve into the Domme you always knew she could have been.

Hell, plug her into this site, she will learn, or run.

MasterBear​(other butch) • Nov 26, 2022

Leave. I know that sounds cruel. But- this is non negotiated sexual assult.

A person who does this has no boundaries.

Im sorry this has happened to you.

I'mME • Nov 27, 2022

CuzKitKat,

Did you want to have an orgasm? We're y'all being intimate?
Actually neither one of those answers would make a difference.

This is unacceptable , a violation of sharing something intimate (meaning people with respect for you would not use that against you in that fashion) .
If you can't have the type of sexual relationship that you want, and that is important to you, leave or kick them out.
Basically it sounds as if they walked over your consent , sexually assaulted is a phrase that comes to mind.
And idc what excuse (motive) they had.
Just using my powers, I sense there are other issues in this relationship.

I could be wrong.