responsive intrinsic vs independent intrinsic

responsive intrinsic vs independent intrinsic

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Dec 18, 2022

Just thinking outloud on this one, formulating and considering as i go.

One of the things i love about being 'different', and being part of a community of 'different' people, is the adventure of discovery that can happen when we don't just automatically accept the status quo as what 'should' or needs to be.

One of the things i have discovered on my journey is there are parts of me that seem responsively intrinsic and others that seem more independently intrinsic. May come up with better words to try and describe this, but that's what i have come up for now.

Couple of examples to hopefully illustrate what i am trying to convey.

For me, an example of independent intrinsic would be that i am gay and sexually total bottom. Those are "intrinsic" needs/wants i have whether they ever get exercised or not. In the context of community stuff like profiles, those are things that would go on a "non negotiable" list for me. They don't seem likely to change and they are foundational to compatibility for me. E.g., i would not enter into a sexual relationship with a woman or another bottom, these parts of me take position over the sub in me.

An example of responsive intrinsic that is a recent discovery would be "feminization." If you were around me on a regular basis, worked with me, etc, you'd likely see me as a standard guy. i have to tell people i'm gay for them to know it, i'm not stereotypical apparently, at work, women ask me on dates and guys don't ! i don't try, but i guess i come off as generally masculine. But then i started experiencing Guys who look at and want me to be feminine, to wear lace? and suddenly, i have a drawer full of lingerie lol. "Independently" i have no desire to wear any of this stuff, nor do i feel or act particularly "feminine" on my own. At the same time, i know that is not something i am just doing, like role play, to please a Man. It's a real part of me, but its expression is dependent, responsive to the needs/desires of the Man who evokes or surfaces it in me.

To me, this is one of the really cool things about non conformist relationships and communities like The Cage. i never would have known certain things about myself had there not been someone else with a similar need/desire to expose the same (from an opposite side) in me.

i'd love to read others thoughts and experiences with this?

idClare • Dec 19, 2022

I totally get where you are coming from, and can oddly enough relate via my panty drawer. Lol.

I am intrinsically motivated to wear cotton under garments because they feel best on my skin, which is the reward for this motivation. I do have a box of frilly lingeries, that was acquired due to the external motivation of outside preferences, and motivated by the reward of approval and acceptance.

For me, the external motivation is left over parts of my People Pleasing Programming that drive towards love, safety, approval and validation. Sometimes it's tricky being a submissive, because one wants to please their Dominate and submit, but at the same time define oneself as an individual with specific preferences. I guess that's why it's so important to take the time with vetting and discerning compatibility. An Amazing counter part will both respect our preferences and push us towards new horizons.


Thank you for posting such a insightful topic.

May you be blessed.

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Dec 19, 2022

YES! Thank you for responding, was beginning to feel alone in this lol.

i particularly appreciate where you went regarding being seen as an individual vs a type or category (e.g., "sub, Dom, bottom, Top, etc., etc..).
i believe a common thread that binds most of humanity together is the need/desire for love. Being practical, i look at love (in part) as seeing/hearing another for who/how/what they are, acknowledging them and affirming them. To me, 'love' is the "reward of approval and acceptance," i think, all humans need/want in their individual flavor.
i think the oft quoted notion that one cannot love another until they love their self first, is another way of identifying the natural usefulness compatibility brings to relationship.

i think one of the things we are up against, that often thwarts being who/how/what we are, is social and cultural norms. So many of those fly under the radar, we assume so many without ever considering if they fit. i think intimate relationship can be where those blind spots can gain sight, and the real be seen.