Advice Needed

Advice Needed

Curious M​(sub female) • Jan 22, 2023

I’m a complete workaholic. I just don’t know how to stop. Im the youngest in leadership at my job and I have too many ppl under me, most of them older than me. I have no words on how to describe myself at work other than I absolutely kill it. Everyone knows that they cannot fck up or im coming after them. We work in the social field, so mistakes could be catastrophic.

Everyone at work calls me tough and thinks that I’m just like that in my personal life, but after work I would just loveee to be told what to do. I am completely drained at work and when I get home, I don’t wanna think. I fantasizing about getting spanked, wiped, tied or just even getting push to the wall. New to this too, so wouldn’t even know what I would really like or not.

My partner is the most vanilla person ever. Even when I talk to him and ask him to do aggressive stuff, he just doesn’t get to the point I want to be.

I’m going a little crazy with just dreams and reading into the BDSM lifestyle. I am completely sexually frustrated and not sure what to do. How do I get a incredible vanilla person in this lifestyle?

Secret Mind​(dom male) • Jan 22, 2023

You can't push someone into the lifestyle if they have zero interest in it, to begin with.
You two started out as vanilla, and that's the way it's always been. So you can't change them with a flick of a switch to become a big hard, aggressive dominant.
You can slowly try and convince him and tell him what you like and want. But that may take a long time and possibly not even work.
You'll be told a hundred times to communicate with him, which you've already done. You told him what you like, want, and need. If he isn't into it, then he simply isn't into it.

Curious M​(sub female) • Jan 22, 2023

Thank you.

Solace​(dom male) • Jan 22, 2023

Secret Mind has good insight. Its possible your Significant other doesn't share this interest with you.


Alternatively I'll take a different stance and say it could require time. Maybe a little, maybe a lot. I would advocate that you show them the full breadth of what the lifestyle has to offer. Get to a point of conversation where the two of you are comfortable expressing ideas that are new and exotic to the both of you. An open and understanding mindset is the only way of getting there.

However I urge you to consider what your asking in full. You have needs you want fulfilled, and if they don't fulfill them correctly you may be more disappointed than you started. Asking someone to take a Dominant role isn't a small ask. Its a lot of extra decisions and responsibilities they are expected to perform well in. Typically to balance this scale subs care for, service or in general make the Dominants life easier. I'm not expecting you to justify yourself here, but I'm also not hearing what you offer your partner in exchange for this. It has to be something they want, and what they want may not be what you want. Something the two of you have to consider once again through open discussion.

If it hasn't crossed your mind yet, some may suggest you leave your partner as they believe it unlikely your partner will show dominant qualities if they haven't yet. However you're with your partner because you found them in life and you care for them. Finding someone in BDSM is arguably harder because we exist in small numbers in small isolated island communities. BDSM is not a vessel for fulfilling wants and desires, it is only a different path. I'm not saying you do believe that, but consider it when evaluating how much this matters in your life.

Miki​(masochist female) • Jan 22, 2023

Oftentimes our work selves do not match what we do in private. I work in Tech and as such I don't have to deal with many people at work or any in our customer base save for online.


(I can't talk anyway so the phone is out)

-- so you're not alone there. Same with the runaway work ethic. I often put in 60, 72 or more hours. Fortunately I'm Hourly not salaried so anything over 40 is gravy time.


As for "converting" a "very vanilla" partner. That pops up often in here. Short answer: You don't.

You either accept them as they are and set aside the freaky shit, or you can see if they are open to an Open Relationship where you can get the kink on, off to the side, or move on.

Accepting and dealing may sound like the quick solution but you have to consider yourself as well. Denyng needs they cannot fill leads to frustration and eventually resentment. Toxic for both of you.

---------------------------------------

Sorry about the lousy options open to you, but that's how it goes when one develops a relationship with another with whom certain needs and/or pleasures are not mutual.

Estaria​(sub female) • Jan 22, 2023

I agree with everyone above. As someone who is new to this lifestyle and has very little experience...yeah.

Secret Mind made a good point that you could try to convert him, but it would probably take a very long time and might end up not working so it would all be for nothing. I think being a dom, a successful one, has a whole lot to do with whether someone is born with that type of personality or not. Asking someone to be the opposite of who they are is a big ask.

Solace had some great points also. I think you really need to do your research before you ask something that huge of him and so when you approach him with the subject you are well educated on it. Like Solace said, being a dom is a huge responsibility...I wouldn't know because I'm not a dom, but I can only imagine. As a sub one of the things that makes me happiest is making my dom's life easier so he can focus on dom stuff. It's a very give and take relationship. You have to have something to bring to the table, it's not just your partner changing for you...it's both of you changing or compromising. He also made a great point about you having found someone you care for and how hard it is to find a connection in the bdsm world. It's like any other relationship search...you might wait years waiting to meet someone you actually want to be in a dynamic with.

I would say have a loooot of talks together, research it together, figure out exactly what it is you want from it and if he's willing to try it out...a lot of communication and thinking before you decide. Good Luck. <3

NCarraway​(dom male) • Jan 22, 2023

I'm with everyone here. There is no recipe for a successful conversion from vanilla to Dom.

It could be that your partner is not that way because they are not built that way, or it could be that they are not in touch with who they are sexually. I found I uncovered by Dom at a late age and this came as an exploration of my sexual needs. Its not impossible that your partner has a hidden Dom inside him but it is just unlikely. I don't believe that old chestnut that Doms come out of the womb flailing a whip. Anyone can learn the tricks and techniques of being a Dom, the routines and mindsets. But, and it is a big but, that requires comittment and hard work so you have to really love the outcome to change your life in this way. It is a lifestyle choice and is a big deal.

The only way to figure out if your partner has an inner hidden Dom is to have wide ranging and open conversations about sexuality and needs. Such conversations are rarely wasted effort. You may well discover things about your partner that would be useful to know... Be prepared though for unexpected findings and prepare yourself to be OK with that. We all have the right to be congruent with who we feel we are on the inside.

Good luck to you!

Defender​(dom male) • Jan 22, 2023

If all else fails, get a Dom on the side.

Many have.

It's your judgement whether you tell your partner or not.

If the alternative is a lifetime of inner frustration, that turns to bitterness, that turns to resentment, that ends up in an acrimonius break-up somewhere down the line, then my suggestion - I repeat "if all else fails" - will not seem so brutal.

NCarraway​(dom male) • Jan 22, 2023

I don't think the OP is asking for advice on whether to cheat on her partner. A far more healthy approach is to ascertain the health of her relationship and make informed choices about her future rather than getting involved with the type of Dom who is ok with cheating!

Defender​(dom male) • Jan 22, 2023

I repeat - yet again - "if all else fails".
Not sure if you missed that.....?

What I suggested is exactly " making informed choices about her future" - is it not?

If labelling a Dom as "OK with cheating" deters all Doms from doing it, there will be a lot of submissives around the world who wish to stay in their vanilla relationships, but can find no outlet for their inner submissive selves.

Perhaps best not to judge these - or the Doms they connect with, as "cheaters" or "OK with cheating" , eh?

Me?
I am happy to let the OP decide.....