Long term relationship is too vanilla

TragedyControl • Feb 15, 2023

I’mME,

To clarify not everyone may apply to this however I agree with her that in my case I do.

The toys were used a few times after they arrived but not much after. It’s hard to get her to comply with it, I appreciate you offering suggestions how I can go about talking to her more in depth. I would prefer to dive into the lifestyle however everything we have done was to try it out lightly in the bedroom. So there is no d/s dynamic at all. Like I mentioned above I’m willing to take it slow, I have tried to communicate and sit down like you’ve described but she is uncomfortable with topic altogether.

She is great and I doubt I’ll find her attributes in another person, I feel I may stand to lose more than I could gain. But that also could be being insecure and not experiencing what’s out there.

I'mME • Feb 15, 2023

Hi, thanks for replying,
Being uncomfortable talking about sexual topics could be due to several reasons. She doesn't know what she wants, her upbringing, feeling guilty since she thinks we are damaged somehow, lol, I mean I'm just going off top of my head.

You have an advantage, a slight one bc y'all have been together 8 years. But still very young if my math skills are turned on, got together in high school?
You should know a great deal of personal information about her, but sighhhh then again I have seen people together 30 years and not know the first thing about their partner when it comes to the sexual thoughts they may have.

There are books she could read that may explain some of what she feels, if she has any interest in kink.

What a couple people wrote here though, about not being able to deny that part of yourself I believe 100% is true.
So that is what you may want to keep in the back of your head . Looking at it from her perspective, I would be very uncomfortable if I knew I wasn't pleasing my partner and not succeeding at that, they were thinking about whether they wanted to stay with me or not.
.it's not fair to her to keep expecting that she has to get on board with things.

Orgasms control, breath play, these are not light kinks and if she has enjoyed letting you control these, it may be just communication issue. That is a LARGE ISSUE. .
So hence why I suggested books. Perhaps she could come on here or find some information online. Evie Lupine has awesome vids for beginners, intermediate, advanced . She is very down to Earth, has an excellent manner in explaining things, I hesitate to recommend any other singular person because we'll just because, personal thing.

Solace​(dom male) • Feb 16, 2023

Hello again PlayfulPain,

My Apologies for requesting information and then not getting back to you for two days. That was rude of me.

It sounds like you have a problem with mismatch. Her interests at least as far what you've tried do not correspond with your own. It does sound like she is open to aspects of the lifestyle but her interest or knowledge remains variable. From here you have a number of options assuming she is open to them and trying to explore more.

This isn't a relation based off of or started from mutual kink meaning that as you found it isn't always possible for lovers to have the same "harmonics". The two of you can attempt to change your "tunes" or interests to align with each other more. For example some Dominants will encourage the enjoyment of pain through sensual stimulation such as appropriate slaps or light whipping during the use of a vibrator or before climax. Gradual light stimulation such as this can sway the compass so to speak and over time even heavily sway.

As for you...you consider yourself a sadist, have you considered that you may get enjoyment from forms of mental sadism? For example a Dom can be quite sadistic while using a variable intensity remote controlled vibrator or other toys to bring a girl right to the edge and then back off of it, rinse repeat making the sub a little more desperate each time until you decide to take pity on them. This sort of sadism if enjoyed by the sub can lead to edging/denial play that lasts a few hours or a few days. This is a wonderful chance to inform your partner you are a hot blooded and reasonable man who accepts a good deal. Any girl who wants badly to climax early can offer a deal, obviously something you want, or are more susceptible to an offer of your choice. A good time for experimenting or further tormenting a girl as she separates herself from her morals and her needs.

Obviously there is a fine art to this that requires extreme patience and excellent tact. Girls must be placed in challenging situations they enjoy and do not lead to obvious or easy failure. Nor must this situations occur too frequently. All deals offered by either party should be the subject of bartering, its an essential part to both parties believing they're getting something they want. Its also important that not all deals are accepted, that sometimes you do just want to see the girl suffer unless a truly good apple comes along. The "deals" offered must not be too far out of reach, they must be low hanging fruit that tempt a girl a little farther than she went before, and enough fruit on each branch that she has time to acclimate. The best deals are ones the girl will also enjoy to an extent. This is to put it frankly the art of studying, learning, memorizing, and ultimately manipulating your partner through conditioning.

On a very separate note if she enjoys homework, you might task her with learning about types of subs and Doms. Have her report to you what she learned and which she thinks the two of you are. Other research into the community might gradually open her eyes to things she may want and confide them in you. Acts outside of the bedroom like House service or slave activities may greatly appeal to her when she learns more than the simple sexual aspects of them and more about the dedication and fulfillment gained from the roles.

TragedyControl • Feb 16, 2023

Solace,

I appreciate the amount of advice and incite you have provided, however Im not optimistic that she wants to learn too much anymore.

I will take some blame for being inexperienced, but after reading the suggestions it sounds like I wasn’t off that far with my approach to encourage her to go farther. I’ve suggested many of the ideas stated, the problem is her effort to try. I’ve tried to get her to do her own research, create an account on here (being on here is cheating to her). For her it’s much more simple for me to fuck her than to do additional play that may be exciting. Anyways…

I won’t keep complaining about the situation, I appreciate everyone’s input… mostly confirming what I’ve already been thinking.

Island girl​(sub female){Yes owned.} • Feb 17, 2023

I've been there and done that. A guy wooed me with kink, and we eventually married and stayed married for 7 years. He claimed to be a dom. Nope. I loved him too. However, I was never getting my needs met, and believe me, we talked. Or at least I did, I talked until I was blue in the face. He'd say sure, and then never show up in that context. We finally divorced, my idea, and I am much happier now. So is my ex. He's married with 2 or 3 children now, I forget.

Was it painful? Yes. Was it necessary? Yes. Are we both better for it? Absolutely. I've been with my Master for over 20 years now and we are happy.

Island girl​(sub female){Yes owned.} • Feb 17, 2023

As to whether or not we're damaged? I've come to the conclusion that everyone is, in some way. If you've lived, you have scars. Everyone needs to talk to someone sometime. It's how we're wired.

I have a slave mentality. I'm an independent thinker, running a company or two, and a wholly owned slave. I'm the owner and my master is the CEO/CFO. I trust his judgment, with my life, and my livelihood. It's work. I'm a slave 24/7. It isn't a role for me. I work 7 days a week for the businesses, and 24/7 as a service slave to my Master. I have no limits except those He gives me. I can request, I cannot demand. Nope. Vanilla marriage was not for me.