Getting to know someone

Steellover​(sub male) • Jan 14, 2023

For me, a meet-up in person is important, after no more than a couple messages- assuming both of us agree the potential chemistry is there, and there are no red flags, or it clearly becomes apparent during our online interaction that we are not compatible and have different goals and expectations.

And this is important to me simply because for one, the online thing isn't good enough for me; I need in-person face to face interaction, and two, because there are so many scammers, catfishers, and fake profiles out there that I want to know if the woman I am exchanging messages with is, in fact, an actual real, local person (or even, an actual female) and not some Russian bot/scammer posting fake pictures and trying to get guys to send them money. In short, BDSM requires trust, and part of the way to build trust is to meet face to face and communicate one on one, face to face.

Estaria​(sub female) • Jan 17, 2023

Well, I think coming across as domly may have different meanings to different people. When I think of meeting a dom and what a good impression is I guess it's just an overall feel you get from the person. I like him to be confident in himself and well spoken, kind but not a push over, someone who actually wants to know about the real me (not just the basic pretty generalized questions), someone who can carry a conversation even though I can be pretty shy (he will be able to take control of the situation and kind of pull me out of my shyness and put me at ease)...there's a ton of stuff I think of as being 'domly'. It's not always the super masculine butch rawr things. Lol

Getting to know someone

LordofPain56 • Jan 18, 2023

People can have pre-conceived notions of what a Dom or sub should look like in their minds; Some might think that subs should look like biker chicks and Dom's should be stocky, tall, wearing a bandana and have chains hanging off both shoulders. I certainly do not fit their stereotypes.
But what is more concerning to me is that it is easy to write something in a profile that can be misunderstood, because men think in different terms from women. And, most women seem to draw negativity quickly from what they have read in a profile. They close it and go to the next, without bothering to verify the meaning of what they read. For example if I say that I am routine oriented, they equate this with anti-social tendencies and lack of spontaneity, but that is not accurate.
I'm beginning to get the idea (too late) that it might be best to iron these things out face-to-face and in-person so you can use facial expression and body language to help in determining compatibility. But you gotta start somewhere.

I'mME • Jan 19, 2023

Estaria,

Question. You enjoy for a Dom to immediately take charge ?

Estaria​(sub female) • Jan 19, 2023

No, not at all... that's actually a reason I would stop talking to someone. I obviously had a hard time expressing what I meant. I guess what I mean is that I'm looking for the little things like how he carries himself...if he doesn't seem confident in himself I would be worries that would carry over into a dynamic. If he seemed indecisive I would wonder if that was going to be an issue later on. If he doesn't do simple things that show me how he intends to treat me like open doors for me etc.

I guess it's sort of like when you meet someone and you can tell by the way they talk to you and others and the way they are that they are probably a kind person...you don't have to actually see them perform an act of kindness. I don't need a dom to dominate me, but I look at the little things and try to figure out if I think he possesses the right personality...I guess?...to be a successful dom.

I hope that makes sense, cause I'm not sure how to explain it if it doesn't! Sort of like me...I think when I'm talking to someone I convey the type of sub I would be from the way I talk and treat the person I'm talking to. Even though someone isn't my dom I won't be rude or talk back or inappropriate, I will treat a dom with a certain level of respect. Now, if he's being disrespectful then I would just kindly move on. Like I said, that's just me...I don't like conflict, I don't like being rude or purposely mean. I would communicate clearly why I was leaving and leave...which is exactly how I would act in a relationship.

Does that make sense? Maybe I'm just crazy!

Literate Lycan​(dom male) • Jan 20, 2023

I will preface this comment with “It didn’t happen to me”. But I have noticed a trend . . . comparisons with the past and possibly bringing luggage along. I have heard others who either constantly compare or are gunshy because of previous entanglements. Walking in before your slate is clean and you are open to new beginnings can be detrimental to a solid foundation.

Rosemarie​(sub female) • Jan 20, 2023

For me it doesn't matter if they are a Dom or a sub. When I meet someone I want to see how they are around other people. After that I will start a conversation with them and hopefully get to know them. If we click and become friends great, if not, not everyone has a connection with others. But at least an effort was placed on both sides.

I also understand that it is not easy for some people to open up. I know that it can take time in some cases and that's ok too. Everyone has their own pace on which they are able to make connections.

Slavehandler​(dom male) • Feb 17, 2023

Initially I thought I always had to be very dominant and masculine or to behave a certain way to attract submissive woman. Although, it is certainly true in the context of dominance and masculinity there are some obvious stereotypical behaviour that works well for many woman as seen in some movies.

I quickly learned that I didn't have to push my dominance or masculine energy every time, everywhere and all the time. I quite enjoy having a laugh, being silly, being nice to someone and so on. That to me shows strength, confidence and self assurity in yourself to be a good human being and still being dominant/masculine.

Now, I don't think you would notice I am a dom at all in public as I carry a light hearted yet quiet vibe around me. I am not telling people off to show I am the boss and I don't have the need or care if someone does what I ask of them. I don't feel I have anything I need to prove to anyone as I know what I am doing, where I am going and what I need for myself.

In some of the latest dynamic I had has been very fluid, natural, cuddly and fun loving interactions with the occasional stare when gone overboard or strict routines due to my life style being fairly organized.

To me now I reserve a lot of my dominance, responsibility and masculine energy almost exclusively to the submissive I chose to date rather than allowing everyone to benefit from it. That means, I have learned to respect and follow when needed without always having to feed my ego and be in charge.

So when getting to know someone it is more about being honest all the time but still being able to respect and understand that persons need also. For example, I don't really like materialistic celebration such as valentine day. This was something I expressed to my nr 1. A month ago she was submissive and said she respects it and that it makes sense. Suddenly 2 days before, she expressed she wouldn't mind something for valentine even a nice message specifically for valentine or a gift card. I could have been a "dom" and say I don't want to and she would have been fine with it actually. But I listen to why she needs it and it relates to her past, lack of attention in past and so on. And we talked about that this needs to be addressed and conquered.

And then I bought her favourite flowers, a teddy bear and a card to remind her that I will always overdeliver and I will always take her requests into serious consideration.

I'mME • Feb 18, 2023

Estaria,
It made puuurrfect sense to me.

Miki • Feb 18, 2023

Just here to post to the original post, not comment on the comments:

In my personal experience, I wouldn't call it a "mistake" -- that would imply my skirt got in a twist, or proverbially speaking of those rare "thong days": a wedgie--- Not a mistake, just a non-starter:

That is the perception on the part of the other is that a relationship beyond friendly messaging back-and-forth is even possible, especially after I make it known very early on that I am incapable of "relationships" and certainly not commitments.

Or when a "Meet and Eat" (Lunch) is requested, especially across long distances (I do not travel to meet denizens of the internet) ---because I am, as I have said elsewhere, quite difficult to communicate with in person.

Yet too often they persisted too long before finally giving up and going away. I feel badly that they essentially wasted time they can't get back.

Also, people need to realize that for me it feels just as crappy to write "Thanks, but no thanks" to a potentially nice guy as it is for them to read it.

-----------------------------------------

But in general, a couple errors any given dominant, avid dick-slinger, or just plain would-be suitor can make would be to be too "forward" about BDSM. True enough that's how those dudes are wired, but it really is sour form to roll out the twisted shit in a first meeting or possibly worse, diving into saucy talk within the first few minutes even if a sub or masochist freely indicates they are, behind closed doors, into freaky shit.

As always just my thoughts, the first personally and the second a general opinion.

As usual, "Your Mileage May Vary"