Receiving more pampering in play (where to start?)

Receiving more pampering in play (where to start?)

red panda • Feb 19, 2023

At this stage in my kink journey, I would love to explore receiving more pampering: verbal praise, SMALL gifts ($30 or less and only with partners who wish to engage in this), body worship, and perhaps even service (with time and negotiation).

I am a switch and a woman. So far, I've felt like I have to downplay conversations around receiving in this manner due to the association with sugaring and findom, as well as the general social bias that women should be givers or at least offer exchange.

For those who have play partners or dynamics around receiving, how did you start out? Are there any particular kinks or communities that aren't sugar, DDLG, or findom that you found helpful to explore?

Miki • Feb 19, 2023

I have never been in a relationship beyond FWB or occasional screwing around for fun but I can speak to this IMHO.

Communication is the answer. You need to have those conversations. Don't be uncomfortable--- such are the stuff of any successful dynamic... or relationship of any kind, for that matter, even friends.

Just step out of the D/s roles and have an honest talk about what each would like in order to more happily move forward. It's there that you can tell your partner that you want to shift into a pampering mode.

Leave the gift par as "little gifts" rather tha na assigning a price threshold. Money talk should be reserved for the operational budget of the household, assuming you live together.

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Feb 20, 2023

After a third read of your post, it/your desires/needs seem more complex to me than they did with my initial read.

my initial response was to cringe. i hasten to add, i know that's on me, not you, but still, my perspective might be helpful to you (or others) so i'll add it to the discussion.

After re-reading your post, my cringe feeling (mostly lol) dissipated because you clarify you "only" want this experience "with partners who wish to engage in this," as well as other comments you made. Setting my own emotional reaction aside, when i set my feelings aside and consider this cognitively, you seem very aware. To me that makes you a wonderful potential connection/bonding person for someone who has chemistry with you.

As to "where to start?" i think your approach in this post is a great way to start. To me, you come across as being transparent, guileless. i can see that as crucially important in the type desire/need that you have (particularly the "small gifts"). i think you're awareness and emphasis on "small gifts ($30 or less...), helps emphasize this is not findom, or financial exploitation, but rather is connected to a need/desire in you that is emotional vs exploiting another?

As i see it, the more open and transparent you can be about the reasons, needs/desires driving the type of interaction/connection you seek, the more likely you will attract a person who needs/wants who and how you are.

i think often, a lot of our desires/needs go unmet because they don't get unpacked, and they can look very different on the surface, in their wrappers, than they actually are. i'd suggest opening it up and breaking it down for potentials and explaining not only what you are looking for... but why, what is driving it?

red panda • Feb 21, 2023

Thank you both for your insights.

These aren't burning must-do desires, nor are they things that I think anyone in particular owes me. And, frankly, I made myself cringe a little when I first started to acknowledge them. But part of what I enjoy about kink is facing down these things that feel taboo and wrong and digging deeper.

It seems like I might need to dig a little more. There may even be aspects of the things that I've dismissed or try to downplay (like findom and DDLG) driving these desires.

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Feb 21, 2023

For me, your response underlines my perception that you are an open, honest, self aware person who is looking to fill need/desire vs exploit. To me, those are important and valuable attributes to bring into a relationship. We all have need/desire, but self awareness, openness and honesty, especially vulnerable stuff, is much harder to come by.

A few more thoughts regarding specifics.

i think our culture has long put women in a position of financial dependence on a man/husband. Even though much has changed, i believe a lot of more subtle notions remain. Culture still promotes things like Valentines day where the man buys anything from flowers, candy to expensive jewelry for the woman. It's really a blatant cultural norm in many respects to use some form of remuneration to convey a mans value for a woman. It's hard to imagine that lifelong conditioning would not become a part of our emotional feedback loop and ensconced as a relational need/desire. So much is connected to that.

Something i find fascinating is that cognitive awareness often does not preclude the dominance of our emotions in decision making about things like intimate activities or relationship.

i think the above cultural 'norm's' often have the effect of making intimate and/or sexual decisions/choices quid-pro-quo, as if a commodity, vs looking for symbiosis in mutual compatibility.

Something i think can be an important part of intimate relationship is self discovery. I.e., it is an important part of that "digging" process. Introspection can help us understand a lot about ourselves, but if we had to rely solely on introspection in order to see and 'know' our self, i think we'd end up with a biased view (to say the least lol). i believe relationship can be a mirror where we can see ourselves further reflected by another. But then, they have bias too, making self discovery an even more complex process.
i believe if you find a potential intimate, and you are open with them about this, in the same way you are open here, you can then reflect each other and maybe see more clearly?