I think my strange fwb is into all this

I think my strange fwb is into all this

confusion • Mar 4, 2023

Hello, thanks for reading as i don't know who to talk to about my situation!

Been seeing a guy for no strings fun for a year - and have been profoundly confused by his behaviour with me. I'm open minded, very sensual and sexual but inexperienced with bdsm... but what i do know about bdsm makes me think he must be playing this game - but i don't know what role i am playing and am now trying to not contact him again after ending it.

When we first met he barely looked at me and sat still in my house staring straight ahead, just talking all night. As we had met on a casual sex site i was waiting for him to make a move which he didn't, so at 3.30am i decided he should go home as it seemed it just wasn't going to happen. A bit disappointed. Months later i text him feeling horny and he came round and eventually kissed me and from that we had a surprisingly epic night of sex until he left v abruptly when i mentioned one of my fantasies. Very happy and excited but in a mad rush, then text to say he was resting his head on his cat.

He started coming round regularly after that but i couldn't make any sense of the stories he tells me and again found his stand-offish manner strange trying to read his body language to work out if he was really in the mood or not. Some sort of penny dropped when he text me once home to say his cat was on top now. I had been on top a lot during the sex that night. He has sent me a pic of him from his bed with his cat on top of him so i know he does have a cat but i thought is he talking about that cat or his female housemate (who i know nothing about and have not been to his place)

He also would follow me around a bit in my house and seem sweet and i realised early on i am going to have to take the lead as he never initiates anything, but i was frustrated by that and felt he should try to take the lead. He was soon rigid about seeing me only on one specific day of the week and then leaving by midnight. Soon he started upsetting me, for eg when i said i just needed a hug one week we met for a hug but i had to initiate it and he barely moved or hugged me back and it felt a bit nasty as i had been struggling that week. So much about him is just weird to me and i know loads of weird people and get on with everyone, i decided he might be autistic. When he comes to my door i will say come in for a minute and he will start counting down the seconds from the minute he comes in, obsessed with timings, he told me a hug is three seconds when i went to hug him which took all the pleasure out of the hug i wanted and made me feel annoyed with him

Anyway, he repeatedly tells me about his cat sticking her bum in his face, i am getting tired of hearing about it. He had a mighty powerful secual energy which comes out of nowhere and that is what intrigues me as when i am feeling it it is like he is an all powerful sex god or something, but not in keeping with the weird things he says and i started to realise he is having jokes with himself and that's why i haven't got a clue what he is talking about.

He has told me that he isn't a nice person and that he is a control freak. He also has a very sweet childlike energy and i cannot shake the feeling that he is like a little girl. He is extremely clean and muscular and won't eat or drink anything i prepare for him which i react to with dismay as it stalls things for me that we can't have a drink when he arrives. On the other side he has brought me beautiful home baked bread and cake and biscuits and is clearly a great baker and that seems so thoughtful and sweet. But i am so tired of offering him delicious things as he always says no, not even water recently. I am a sensual woman and adore food and love sharing yummy things with friends and lovers. He is the first person to behave like this and i for ages thought he must have autism on some level and food / body issues as i think he works out too much as there is literally no fat on him just a load of muscle.

I'm not usually into really muscular men and would have liked to enjoy his 'amazing body' - but his strangeness in our interactions interrupts my enjoyment of our time together. It does feel great when we are at it and i feel like there is a whole world in there which i want to explore, but it isn't really available for me which feels really frustrating. Also he brings out such a strange side of me... I have felt really angry with him and I am usually chilled back and easy going. I have shouted at him and sent him loads of incoherent messages etc, not behaviour i am proud of but because there is an anger built up in me around his confusing behaviour. Our arrangement was never about being exclusive so he knows i don't mind him having other women or sleeping with his housemate - but he tells me he is single, he will always be singe, hasn't had sex in months etc which doesn't ring true on some level.

I feel like i am being lied to but i can't work out what the lie is and why should i care anyway? This last year has been a stressful one for my personal life and i used to look forward to our hookups thinking about the hot moments we had and then feel despondent and frustrated and confused by his strange behaviour.

One thing i keep thinking about is when i first showed him my (gorgeous btw) bedroom and he suddenly seemed really excited but said 'i know my limits!' and i don't know what that meant (like pretty much everything which comes out of his mouth!). Later that night we ended up in there and it was great but getting there was so awkward for me and his behaviour to me was confusing. Anyway i need to move on i think as i have been in the psychiatric ward 3 times snice we met and i don't blame him but i know our fwb thing added extra bewilderment to my already frazzled head (i have bipolar and have had a really rough 18 months).

What is sad is that all i want in bed is to totally and utterly adore someone, and i tried to express this a lot with him, i found myself practically worshipping him, which was beautiful ... but as i explained recently to him i can't respect someone who lies to me and when i lose respect for someone i don't find them attractive.

Him coming over and then withholding sex would hurt and usually make me burst into tears and ask him 'why do you come here?' as i couldn't understand why he would come over just to sit arms folded staring out the window and talking nonsense, and i had spent half the day preparing myself and my bedroom for him.

What is hard for me now is that i have had several flings over this last year and the other guys have been lovely but there is something about this one which has got under my skin and makes me really want him.. just certain moments we have had which have been more thrilling than the other guys. I believed we had more chemistry or a better connection whereas now i am starting to think he has been playing weird mind games with me. Once i was so annoyed that he had come over to refuse me again that i ran upstairs and starting counting backwards from 5 to 1, as he had started counting down the time when he came in the house. I don't know why i did something like this as it is not in my nature and i wouldn never normally behave like that. He came up and lay on the bed and said 'it's yours' which confused me more as i replied 'it's not mine, it's your body!'

Won't go on more. thanks it helps to type some of this out. I think he may be part of some bdsm scene or relationship and just wish i knew what role i have been playing in all of it as i feel like he has been using me as part of his game with someone else. But as i have been mentally ill with parania i may just be paranoid? It is hard to trust my own mind and my own judgement at the moment and i am on antipsychotics etc so i can get confused about what is real and what is not real. He knows all of this and he did drive to see me in hospital which was touching as he has always been clear that he doesn't want a relationship.

I think he is a super sexy soul - i can feel it inside him - but i have had enough of feeling confused and possible used and the whole dynamic has felt disrespectful. I told him he is like a schoolboy and i feel he is being naughty and wants to be punished. But what do i know, i am certified crazy, right?

Only people like this community would see where i am coming from in my feelings that he may be someone's slave or something. Or maybe i am mad. I really don't like feeling that i am delusional/ paranoid etc. I know there are bdsm people out there (tbh i would love to explore the scene) so i think he must be involved in this in some way. I guess i realise that a lot of it is psychological, not sexual (can you even separate the two) but this experience has made me feel turned off, and angry ...... as well as given me a handful of nice moments, which i appreciated at the time because hot sex isn't easy to find!

Thanks for reading. It helps to type all this out as i need to end things for my sanity, and i have no one to talk to about my bdsm suspicions.. trying to move on with lots of question marks and confusion around this guy. My friends and family think i can be paranoid and generally confused about reality, so I won't talk this through with them, esp as it isn't a serious relationship.

In the scene, is it normal to never mention bdsm at all to a sexual play partner? As he has never mentioned it once, no discussion around anything just telling me weird stories i don't understand. But i reckon i have unwittingly become involved in something bdsm related, and it wasn't a good experience mentally.

I may hang around as i am a horny person and have always been curious about power play, though currently this whole experience has left a bad taste in my mouth and my own (more sensual brand of) sexuality feels bruised and spoilt by the whole thing.

Aquarius Dom​(dom male) • Mar 4, 2023

Maybe he isn’t into the lifestyle but fantasises that he is !
But clearly doesn’t have a clue how to proceed with it ?
Ask him outright would be my advice!

Zedland​(dom male) • Mar 4, 2023

From what I've read I honestly can't tell if this guy is into BDSM and echo the above advice. Asking directly is probably the only way you'll get to the bottom of this.

My only additional thought is this guy might be a little more "odd" than kinky and simply have extreme trouble with social cues.

Best of luck to you.

SirTOuTOO{~ 2u2 ~} • Mar 4, 2023

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@CONFUSION
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- Maybe this reflects your dilemma..... https://www.youtube.com/embed/6cRctjPRv6M
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As for the cause of his 'inaction' and non-disclosure,... of what makes him 'tick', may need professional guidance.
( you could have asked him if he was on any medication )
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Potential mix : Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ( OCD) might be an additional aspect to Asperger Syndrome.
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Sadly, you've been 'smitten' by the - Once bitten - but twice denied repeat, urging you on to 'compare' and desire what you can't have when ( and as often) as you would like. - If you divorced yourself from the 'emotions' side of it, and just concentrated on the FWB - and riding bareback & cowgirl - kicking his A$$ out the door when he's been 'milked',... he might just have come back for more, more often.
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Steve
2u2

Miki​(masochist female) • Mar 5, 2023

This guy sounds like just too much work. And what's to say he doesn't "come around" and make you all happy and shit only to revert to being a weido talking about his cat sticking its ass in his face. I don't have pets but any creature that seems like they're going to try that.. would be swiftly (but humanely) "discouraged" from such a thing. It's just gross IMHO

But the guy? There are others out there. Learn from this and move on, sooner or later.

Williamd • Mar 5, 2023

It's best to seek someone that has a balance and makes you feel at ease and happy. This guy may have a good heart, but he has issues and are you really willing to accept the troubles you will have? Find someone that shares your values, works hard, and make you laugh and not question who they are.

House Talion​(dom male) • Mar 6, 2023

It's nit about the kink for him, but there's 2 other scenerios I can I've seen that have had the same effect.

1. He may have been sexually assault froma very young age by someone he was suposed to trust which has presently made him overly conscious of such things as always being wrong or vile which in addition could've been enforced by another trusted person that had made him think the abuse was his fault.

2. There's a lot ofnppl that don't know their own strength. He may have unintentionally harmed someone he truely loved and can never see again because of it.

Both of these scenerios would create the person you've described as the positivity of their energies is stored in abundance and hardly ever released.

intenseoldman​(dom male) • Mar 6, 2023

Just sounds like lots of chaos. He appears to be somewhere on the spectrum, and you have your own challenges keeping your thoughts and feelings in order. On the one hand, it is a psycho-sexual thrilling adventure in which you never know what's gonna happen. On the other hand, you never know what's going to happen, and you know you need some stability in your life. I feel for you because sometimes what we want and what even meets a hard to fill need, just isn't good for our well-being.

I like your idea about pursuing your sexual curiosities here. You are aware enough of your sexuality to know you're highly sexual and you need some adventures and thrills in the bedroom--it can't be boring. I think this is somewhere you can take control of your sexuality and find a safe partner or partners with whom you can explore and realize your needs and desires. When you bring some order to that chaos, it might likely help in other areas of your life.

Again, I feel for you. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder when I was young. I spent some time in hospitals, was medicated and all of that. Somehow, during my college years, I just grew out of it, I guess. It can be hell feeling too high or too low. Things are never as good or bad as they seem, and it's just hard to know what's real. You're taking a step, trying to sort it out, and get some control over your feelings and desires. I wish you the best in finding your way. You've taken a good first step.

CapnRick​(dom male) • Mar 10, 2023

To my thinking, the several posters who point out that there are other Doms (or even vanilla lovers) out there who are not into this guy's loonie tunes.

Go find a good man who can also float your boat. A few great orgasms with this sad dude are not worth trips to a professional shrink to get yourself straightened out.

I suspect if you probe further into our fetish world, you will find great cums are not so hard to find, and the Doms making them happen are not necessarily certified weirdos like you really odd current fwb.

Sasa​(dom female) • Mar 11, 2023

We aren't therapists for our lovers, that's sadly not working. Why don't you stop assuming, and start to make a list of what YOU want and need. This is not about the guy, but you, and this tiny action could stop your confusion. If we try to read someone else's mind we can only lose, even ourselves in our idea of the other person. If you want to know if he is into BDSM ask and expect an answer you can understand. If the answer is gibberish for you, tell him to answer clearly. It's called communication 😉 never easy but you have nothing to lose. By the way, it works also for other questions you might have and not only for this guy.
Good luck