Vetting process (especially for online dynamics)

Vetting process (especially for online dynamics)

INFJ Lass​(sub female){not lking} • Apr 10, 2023

Hey - I'm very new around here.

Not only I am new, I'm a people pleaser and yes-person as well. Being new to this makes me such an easy free ride... I am very aware of my vulnerability.

What are some red flags to look out for and what are some vetting strategies that a new/inexperienced sub could use to stay safe?

Any comments would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you all

Bunnie • Apr 10, 2023

Although it sounds tedious, I would suggest going back and reading through the forums here. There have been so many great discussions not only around this subject, but many, many things. In my opinion you will gain some great information.

K y i v • Apr 10, 2023

I would recommend connecting with the sub community here.
They are a great resource.

dollMaker​(dom male) • Apr 10, 2023

I would strongly suggest not jumping into anything observe and learn before taking a step into or getting involved with anyone.

Some people give their bad away very quickly, others who appear ok, sound, ethical, nice it takes longer for them to slip up, outing their abusiveness, serious issues. Patience is required and even then its possible to miss stuff, make excuses for people.

Educating ones self is a very important safety tool, knowing as much as you can about the activities you want to take part in and those you might like to. Knowing the how tos and don’ts allows one to spot those who have little to no skills or knowledge, those who can walk the talk. There are alas plenty of wannabes and fantsists on here, online in general. However spotting dangerous types among the skilled is a bit more of a trick, because there are different types of the dangerous, ignorance is dangerous, but using knowledge, skill to abuse is its own deanger. These people give themselves away via attitudes, comments on blogs, forums, in chat rooms, and via a history of hurting and abusing people on here, those hurt, damaged often talk, though some will slip away never naming the person who hurt them.

There used to be a pretty active sub net here keeping a data base on asshat people, not sure if that is still the case now but alawey is always worth chatting with, she and I don’t always see eye to eye, but she has a heart for peoples safety, and I strongly endorse talking to her.

I think, and I hate saying this, but suspecting people as being not sound is safer than just thinking the best of everyone. I have missed clues myself and made excuses for people and as a result been hurt, and I won’t ever allow that to happen again. I have trusted on here and been stalked, been scammed out of money allowing my kindness, concern for welfare to be exploited. I have been lied to, had my consent abused, been ghosted, and been used as a kink vending machine. I have also met people on here who turned out to be abusers and serious asshats, people I thought were ok, but were far from ok. I simply won’t recommend any dom/domme on here because unless I can see them play, talk to people who know them, previous play partners I have no way to fully know who they are in reality. That aspect re online vetting is hard to do, checking out in person activity and actions, though asking around re people online activity is worth doing.

In my time here I have met some lovely people, even had a few in my life, sadly no longer, so there are good people online but I think percentages are against that so my default these days is trust very slowly, assume the worst and be very, very patient, eventually people out their bad, though sometimes it takes time. I know that makes me look like a grump but self preservation mechanisms can often come across that way.

alawey​(sub female){(OWNED BY } • Apr 11, 2023

*thank you doll*

* agree withbunnies comment there has been a few very good chats on here in the past about vetting *

Some of my advice that I share is:

Trust your gut
If you get a message or something, before responding . I suggest reading thier profile ,look at the bottom do they have a blog ? Have they posted or replied on forums? If so read those blogs and the forums. How did they and others react to each other in replies.? Then go back and and reread thier profile. Study it , make friends with other subs who think /feel along the same lines as you. Look for those that are respected within the community..

Do your own research, keep a journal for you. Journaling about things u have researched and what you think and feel about it. That way you can look back on it as you travel your path and see if you still think/ feel the same.

Reach out to those who you have grow to trust when a dom starts after you. See if anyone knows anything . ( anything you hear should ALWAYS BE TAKEN WITH A GRAIN OF SAND)
Ask for references and talk to those. , see if they are willing to give you names of previous subs ( if they have had them and if on cage) if able to talk to them ask questions.

Sorry I'm doing it again ( rambling) but that gives you a starting place

Literate Lycan​(dom male) • Apr 11, 2023

Excellent advice from those above.

Kyiv provides sound advice - touch base with other trustworthy submissives (Bunnie and Alawey are two of the best). I would add, get to know them too by their blogs, responses to forums and how they treat you before you fully trust them. But then listen to their advice.

The best advice is from dollMaker - take your time and don't jump in. I know there is always this excitement in meeting new people especially if there is the promise of . . . more. But don't jump in too quickly. If you meet someone who seems legitimate, they won't mind waiting to get to know you first. And then it gives you time to see if red flags start to pop up. The biggest red flag, if the life they say they lead doesn't match the story they tell - they may be just telling a story. Pay attention.

Rivermxl • Apr 12, 2023

I'll stretch my fingers for my very first forum reply after my absence... because this is such a fundamental topic.

I won't repeat on the great advice that has been given here and their words will be a solid foundation for the advice I do want to give:

Don't, for any reason and under no circumstance become isolated from the community or your contacts, specially if you're asked or someone tries to get you to do so. Never accept a process of getting to know someone unless you're free to reach out to anyone you like at all times.

That's it, one of the biggest red flags of all time is someone trying to isolate someone else from others who might know better.

I sure wish you the best on your journey with our community, be safe and be very welcome.

- River