Doms and Safewords

Doms and Safewords

Azzabackam​(switch male){PawPawGirl} • May 4, 2023

This is something that came up in a different forum post, and I think it's important enough to warrant being its own subject: Safewords aren't just for subs. Doms are also perfectly valid and reasonable for using a safeword to end a scene for any number of reasons, including:

-Feeling overwhelmed, be it emotionally, physically, or mentally

-Feeling uncomfortable with what their sub is asking

-Feeling uncomfortable with a sudden development they weren't expecting in a scene

-Having outside life interrupt a scene

-Literally any reason. Any reason at all. You don't have to justify using a safeword, no matter what your role is.

Re: Doms and Safewords

Heero​(dom male) • May 5, 2023

I would tend to agree except for the last bullet point. Safe words can definitely be abused. Yes, you technically *can* use them for any reason; whether you *should* use a safe word in a particular situation is a different story. (Caveat being: if in doubt, better to be safe than sorry and use it.)

As a general rule, writing a blank check for anything is not a good idea.

aPeepingMom​(sub female) • May 5, 2023

Pardon my lack of knowledge, but isn’t a safe word meant to be used to communicate that the current actions need to cease immediately when the person using the word does not have the ability to cease the action themselves? Meaning, they are the recipient of the action needing to cease?

If a Dom is in actual control of the scene, wouldn’t they have the ability to cease the action without the need for a safe word?

As his submissive, I follow my Dom’s instructions. If I become uncomfortable with the instruction, I have the ability use a safe word. As his submissive, I am not issuing instructions to him.

I’m not intending to be obtuse, I can’t wrap my mind around a scenario where he would need to use a safe word to protect himself in any of the situations listed as an example.

Azzabackam​(switch male){PawPawGirl} • May 5, 2023

@Heero a fair distinction to make. It's true a person could abuse the overuse of a safeword (for example, a sub functionally refusing to participate in a scene at all unless they get their way by using their safeword over and over). That's an important part of the discussion as well.

@aPeepingMom Typically, yes. In the strictest sense, a Dom could just stop doing whatever the scene entails if they don't like it. However, I can speak from experience that the pressure a Dom feels to meet expectations, especially if the Dom in question is inexperienced and especially vulnerable to that pressure, can push them to continue with a scene they'd rather stop. The safeword provides a direct, almost mechanical tool to stop a scene, even when pressure would make them feel like just stopping isn't an option.

DaddyDrago{LilAmethys} • May 5, 2023

As mentioned you are generally not wrong. Especially, as you caveated, within the examples laid out by the Op.
There have been several instances however where I have witnessed it and it's validity.....
A dominant doing knife play lost in that focus only to realize quite suddenly they may have cut too deeply in a specific area and the safeword was used as a means of communication to the bottom that there is an issue that needs attending while simultaneously calling for the DM to help by the use of the same.

A white dominant with an African American bottom playing a racial bias scene where the dominant became so distraught and flooded with guilt, shame, fear, and the like where the only thing they could enunciate was the safeword. Yes the cessation of the scene was a direct indicator but the invocation of the word signalled to the bottom a distress where the dominant needed after care. Often, especially male dominants, struggle to 'have it all together every moment' (the shock and horror!) And the right to invoke the safeword as an indication of not being in a healthy place is just as valid regardless of whether 'something is being done to them where they are in the receiver position'. We ALL play on our edges, dominants tend to do so more emotionally, mentally. Sometimes, while they cannot express in the moment what is coming up for them (no differently often than a bottom/submissive can when they are in space) the safe word is a catch all phrase meant to illicit support (however that is needed) to whomever expresses that need.
Now I know it's not very 'macho' for a dominant to need to express such a need, but it is also quite valid for a dominant to wrestle with something in a scene they simply become overwhelmed by. And it is ok to normalize and allow such a space to exist. We all do not know necessarily what will trigger or elicit a need for a given thing until we are in the moment. Being aware of our responsibilities to one another's emotional/mental/physical/spiritual well-being is, in many cases, why we choose to share this journey with others.

Just an abstract view.
No judgement of any other person's lens is intended.

Philly Belwas​(dom male) • May 5, 2023

I do agree with those above that a safe word absolutely does play a role for both the Dominant and a Sub. I think Drago put it best in that as a Dominant you just do not know sometimes until you are live and in a scene.

I’ll give a personal example that had happened recently. I had gotten out of a roughly year long dynamic/relationship with a sub and thought I had fully processed my emotions of dealing with that after about a month. I had always kept friendships with folks from before the dynamic and had a sub reach out to do a scene and general play something we had done several times in the past. After talking it through and letting them know everything that was going on I still felt ready and in proper headspace to do so.

Flash forward to in the moment and at a certain point I almost had to use the safe word cause I realized my emotions were getting the better of me and I needed a moment to regain composure to interact with the sub in a safe manner.

I will say though if as the Dom you use the safe word at some point you need to explain to the sub why you used it and check on them once you are capable to help with any potential sub drop they may experience. Abruptly ending a session as the Dom for any reason can have serious consequences for a sub if not handled properly.

aPeepingMom​(sub female) • May 6, 2023

Thank you for the examples and insights. I had not considered it those ways and it makes more sense now.

I appreciate these insights. 🥰

Miki​(masochist female) • May 6, 2023

Yes.. Bullet Point #5. While "any reason" sounds ... reasonable.. it has to be established and non-negotiable that a safe word is a serious matter, not to be abused, as in made part of a game. Other than that, real reason, of any nature.. of course.