Friend is encountering a LOT of "Fake" Doms, "Bulls", etc... I need to hear from

Friend is encountering a LOT of "Fake" Doms, "

InqSci​(dom male) • Jun 10, 2023

I have a very good friend who is almost completed her divorce with 30 years of Marriage, 3 beautiful girls and an Asshole of a Husband.
He is a con-man, and while it has been sexless and over for 4 years, last year and is going through the process.
She dipped her toes in the water of the dating scene and found it was very shallow pool.
I know her very well for over 37 years, and I know she is as kinky as I.
I just happened to mention that perhaps the community would be a better place to meet people, possibly a D/s dynamic if she so chose or even becoming a D as it would represent her real life. (Very successful, dominant, A-Type, Hard Worker, Leader, etc..)
She said, she would just love to be given attention to.... with discipline and that way she can put that life D aside and just pleasure someone and be pleasured by someone while not having to over-analyze. I told her that sounded reasonable, but to DEFINITELY do not take anyone at Face Value.
She found a site called FetLife, it's like The Cage... but with a FB feel.. and the content and discussions have a "fantasy" online feel and maybe some true Dynamic Players.
She is very beautiful and a great person to talk too... so her DM's filled up like crazy.
She met a person who said they were a Dom and was talking all the right things. They finally meet and there is a connection. She decided to try this out and she made him get a full bill of health, as did she, and they met a few weeks ago at a hotel for some great stuff. NOT.

They met at 5pm, she was home by 7pm and SHE did not have an orgasm. I told her, that is a red flag - I am calling foul and in discussions she let me know that he had broke several rules of engagement that they both agreed upon.

We all know that many men peruse these boards looking for an easy lay. To check out, she created another account and he messaged that account with the same game. Flag! That's another 15 yards. I finally told her, actually forbid her from continuing. (As much as a friend can forbid...)

I am trying to get her to slow down. Go to munches. Meet people. Find a real Dom. I know her libido, like mine it is insatiable. I reminded her that BDSM, must have DISCIPLINE. Not just in the dynamic, but personal as well. That is a tall order in our current society where instant gratification is king. (or Queen)

Any tips on this? This situation is something that I must admit, I am not experience enough to offer real advice.

So I bring it to you, the members of The Cage. What are some of the lessons you learned as you navigated your first encounters. She is looking for an exclusive relationship, not necessarily emotional but exclusive. I know that is harder to achieve; but I do not want my friend to continue encountering these rabbit holes.

Thank you for any replies and advice,
IS

Ps: Although he is a sub and I am a Dom -- We are like Brother and Sister. We never even kissed. We did sleep in the same bed a few times after parties but it was like no big deal and no shenanigans.

ControlYourHole​(dom male) • Jun 10, 2023

I feel for the subs who have to deal with this kind of mess- sure we as Doms encounter girls claiming to be subs but literally want to dictate every aspect of the dynamic lol, so look I get it- there’s people faking on both sides. Not everyone will agree here but this is what I’d tell her- a Dom/Daddy/whatever He is, that currently has no subs and can’t give a reference from a former sub SHOULD OFTEN (not always though) be a red flag. Now yes- maybe He could be in his early 20s, never given af about vanilla dating & therefore has no current or former subs or gfs…that COULD be a great Dom for her. But I have heard story after story from disappointed subs about how single “Doms” told them everything they wanted to hear but then had ZERO confidence or real Dominance in person. On the other hand, I’ve heard of many subs having great training sessions or even relationships with Doms that already have 1 or more subs/littles…so I’d advise her to consider if she’s open to poly- if she wants a strong Dom that didn’t decide he (thinks he) wants to do this 2 weeks ago lol.

Only other thing that comes to mind is that it sounds like she REALLY trusts you- are you sure you aren’t actually the perfect Dom for her? I know that turning a friendship into a dynamic can seem potentially awkward at first, but it does work great for some. Me and my sub wifey met through purely spiritual interests- BUT after a month of me leading & teaching her about life & spiritual things, the sexual part came super naturally and turned into a lifetime bond! Idk yalls history together so I can’t say of course, but I wonder if this is your big opportunity to give her what she truly wants & needs. Wishing the best to you both,
-Seth

InqSci​(dom male) • Jun 10, 2023

First, apologies for the misspellings in the original text. My keyboard is getting old.

Thanks for the reply Seth! Great stuff and it is definitely a problem that was not there as much when I was a practicing Dom (about your age...LOL).
I think that we see the same thing as BDSM/Kink is getting thrown around so much these days, it is become the bougie thing now. The vanillas all want to be dominated or dominate, pain etc.. but we know that there are true practitioners of our craft. (Craft = BDSM and Kink)

As to the relationship. I do see the familiar signs that the relationship has shifted to the D/s you mentioned. I am hoping that this is just because our normal chats have been dominated by the subject. If I were not married and faithful in the traditional sense; yes, I could definitely take this relationship to the next evolution. Hmm....I know that a dynamic can form even in Friendship and without Sex; but I value her friendship as an equal and I will not let that occur. As a Southern Man yourself, you understand how we are raised to be Protectors, and being Doms.. that tends to bode well for our subs. It creates trust and faith in the Dom. Perhaps....

That trust and faith is already there, perhaps I can demonstrate (at least my mentality -- if I can recall them) the proper way to approach. That's was a very keen observation, Seth.

Thanks Brother.

TopekaDom​(dom male) • Jun 10, 2023

You act like Fet is something new and different. Let's be a tad real here: Fet, while going down hill, is where most people have gotten their first online experience for the last 20 years or so. Just the way life is. All the D/s based websites have a rise and fall. Castle Realm, the original Bondage.com, Alt.com (I know it is hard to believe, but in the early days, it was a good and fun site), Fetlife and now here at TheCage.

And in all that time, on all those sites, there has always been fakes and scammers. There have even been murderers (google "Slavemaster kansas"). They exist on both sides of the collar. I've been burned a time or two. You are never going to get away from them.

But....

If you build communication skills, learn what kinds of questions to ask, then you can weed most of those scumbags out. But that takes time. And, sometimes, you are still going to get burned. Subs should also build a network of s type friends. That way real fuckups can get tagged and be talked about knowing it happens.

InqSci​(dom male) • Jun 10, 2023

Cheers Topeka. I think you nailed it. It's a complex version of Adult to be sure.

... Alt... damn' I do believe we are getting wiser... I remember those days.

MasterGuardian • Jun 11, 2023

I’ve been in the lifestyle for 10 years and Siri g that time had 3 submissive’s. All long term ranging from 9 months to 3 years.

My two cents.
As a long term friend and a Dom yourself why not take your mentoring one step further. One of my subs had a Dom mentor which she shared was helping her navigate the process. There can a point when we began to discuss meeting IRL life dinner. She asked if I would mind talking with her mentor which I thought showed wisdom on her part. She felt safe knowing her mentor was there for her.

Perhaps offer to be the mediator on her behalf should she become interested in another prospective Dom? Of the guy balks at such a proposal that to me would be a red flag. As Winston Churchill is quoted as saying “He who tells no lies needs no memory”.

I hope this was helpful.
Your friend is fortunate to have such a friend.
I wish more newbies had someone to turn too.

Cheers

MandatorySub • Jun 11, 2023

Your friend might benefit from a sub female mentor. A Dom mentor for a sub or sub mentor for a Dom often ends up with someone being mentored for what that specific person likes/believes and can create an less useful/ codependent relationship.

Sometimes we don't learn to slow down until psychological and/or physical damage has been done. I truly hope that is not the case for your friend. Its not a fun way to learn.

InqSci​(dom male) • Jun 11, 2023

Thanks for advice. Please keep them coming, I have indeed taken a slight mentoring role with my friend; however, the sub female mentor is an excellent idea as well.

She finally just broke it off with him yesterday and I think that was the bes thing. There was no trauma but just some sadness that she allowed someone to take advantage of the dynamic. She is very smart and asks good questions.

Please keep the advice coming though... All good so far, excellent in fact. Every post so far has good options and solutions while acknowledging that this occurs all too frequently.

She is a good friend and has not been properly taken care of... physically and mentally. Her soon to be ex-husband has a serious porn-addiction that basically made him unable to properly handle a real woman. Almost 30 years of 5 pumps and done.

She would make someone a fine sub. She is smoking hot, intelligent and available. She just needs to meet the true kinksters at a Munch. I think that is the best path to meet someone that can help guide her. She deserves the attention and would be eager to please.

Keep them coming!

Re: Friend is encountering a LOT of "Fake" Doms, &

jieJoe • Jun 11, 2023

jieJoe • Jun 11, 2023

Yes. I have seen and read it almost all. The want to be and the fakes and cons. Dating pool? 🤣🤣🤣. It's not a pool. More like a puddle. I have seen posted photo ads. And personal ads. Asking to be train. Own? Ask there limitations? Reply. None. Red flag. A good sub or slave. Will have a list of. Sorry I am not into? Maybe into?!yes 😊 enjoy. And one looking for long-term. And a good Dom and or Mistress or both? How I missed the old days of meeting a sub or slaves. My reply to them. One must feel. The trust, respect, honor, listen, love. If not walk. You're safety #1. Pleasure to both #2.