Growing to next level

Growing to next level

aikidom • Jun 21, 2023

Dear All,

My submissive partner and I have taken our first steps by setting up a check list with limitations, have done our first sessions which slowly progress. My concern is to take it to the next level. My sub enjoys our sessions, she comes (we are working on make her come in different ways, as this is still limited), but she has difficulties expressing her desires and or fantasies. Also her libido could be better, despite of our situation (kids, busy worklife), I feel we make it work.

As a Dom I believe understanding her needs and desires will help her with with her libido and also with her submission, and myself to tailor our sessions, but it seems like she honestly does not know- as she assures me it's not that she doesn't want me to know, she just doesn't have a lot of fantasies and desires.

Do other subs recognise this from their early stages? And any Dom who can advise on ways or forms for us and her to unlock this?

ButterfliesAndCuffs​(sub female){LJ} • Jun 21, 2023

Seems like the perfect opportunity to set a task to me. A couple ideas to hopefully spark her creativity and imagination could be to find a certain number of porn videos that excite her in some way and make her describe which parts she likes or to make her write a short erotic fantasy including 3 (or whatever number) of implements (rope, cuffs, and a flogger for example). Or start writing a fantasy of your own and make her complete the story.
Hope that helps!

Solace​(dom male) • Jun 21, 2023

I've played with girls from here that simply don't have fantasies. Admittedly this is challenging for me because I enjoy winding a lady up and knowing what they want makes it a smoother process.

However, and this doesn't apply to all ladies, these girls sometime just want to be used. That is their fantasy. By you enjoying them, and using them to fulfill your kinks, it's possible you're doing exactly what they want.

Therefore if I read what you're saying correctly, your fine lass is having a good time and you should keep doing what you want to do to her with regular check ins.

If you want her to show more initiative, you can attempt to condition her. Giving her a chore to play with herself after waking up, before bed, or before a shower can help her body rise to the occasion. Interrupting that pattern with the occasional denial can get her thoughts drifting. This is a process however and it can take a lot of time.

EpicParker​(sub female) • Jun 21, 2023

I am a submissive and I don’t have fantasies. I’ve been with my 2 main dominants for 14 years and my 3rd for 4 years. I have kinks but I don’t have any fantasies. My desire is to just feel pleasure and let go of reality for a moment. It’s normal to not have fantasies. As for libido, it can change when women get older or have children. They make libido gummies for women that really help. You might look into those. You can create fantasies the align with her kinks if it helps.

ButterfliesAndCuffs​(sub female){LJ} • Jun 21, 2023

Also a different question to ask her might be “what do you think about when you touch yourself?” Fantasies don’t have to be wild or even something you’ve never done. Perhaps she’s just viewing fantasies in that way so she believes she doesn’t have any.

Little Vixie​(sub female){Mgh30} • Jun 21, 2023

I've just now managed to find my dom after almost 5 years of looking for one. When first starting out, I had no fantasies or any big desires. I kind of started find what turned me on when reading smut. That slowly turned into thinking about it when playing with myself.
With my dom, I was against alot of things. But he kind of held my hand and gently suggested trying it. I never would've tried hooded breathe play if it weren't for him and I love it now. He now kind of prompts me into looking at more kinks and talking to more people to see if there are more things that I'd be interested in.

aPeepingMom​(sub female) • Jun 22, 2023

I think it’s ok that she’s not full of fantasies. I agree with @Solace, she may enjoy being used and of service to you.

While I have several “old” fantasies (prior to meeting my Dom), those fantasies were focused solely on my enjoyment. Today? Today my fantasies consist of being of service and pleasuring Him. I crave that more than anything.

Maybe explore the service side of her submission and see if that goes somewhere? Ask her to share ideas of how she can please YOU, not ways you can please her.

I'mME • Jun 22, 2023

Yes, libido can change as women get older. It can increase like a mofo.

Re: Growing to next level

autisticbarbie • Jun 23, 2023

I'm a sub and I used to be like this too. I can only speak for myself, but I had a lot of anxiety and shyness around talking about sex because I was not raised in an environment that tolerated it. And I also went through times where I thought I had no fantasies or desires. I was mostly suppressing them unknowingly because I didn't feel comfortable having desires. I might have told my partner that I had no desires and wouldn't have known better.

For me, it just took a lot of time and trust in my relationships to be able to open up. I have anxious and avoidant attachment styles. For some women, creating a safe space and feeling supported in the dynamic will help them open up more. My level of arousal in a Dom is directly related to how much I trust them, how long we've known each other, and how much I respect them.

She keeps showing up and going to you as a Dom, so it sounds like you are on the right track and are already doing a lot of things right.