A Serious Question

Re: A Serious Question

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Mar 22, 2023

Yet another qualifying person, this is just my thoughts... an answer, not meant to be 'the answer.'
Also, sorry for chopping up your post, just trying to isolate the stuff that evoked thoughts and feelings in me.

"It's all about me."

i read that a lot on BDSM sites, from both sides of the slash. I.e., i read "dom's" asserting that it's all about them, saying straight up they are "selfish." i read 'subs' asserting that "it's all about the dom." If someone says that to me, i say "no thank you, i don't think i'm what you're looking for." But then, my definition of immaturity is self centeredness, and i think is self centered person is not relationship ready. But no one ever asks, lol, so i manage to avoid that awkward explanation.

i think we avoid selfishness or self centeredness by being self minded, which kinda sounds counter intuitive... but i think that what sometimes seems to be "intuition" is really cultural programing that often conflicts with "intuition/inclination.' We're not taught to identify our deepest needs and wants, so we're often unaware of them, or we hide them or we don't know how to articulate them, or_____________. i think if we can identify the important stuff, learn to articulate it, we can find someone who we are compatible with. Of course, the devil is in the details, eh? So not as easy as it seems, just finding two people who approach relationship this way is challenging.

You've likely guessed by now that i don't think there is such a thing as self becoming un-self. Even the sub who is all about service... is a self that is all about service. Or hates to wash dishes, but loves to be made to do stuff they don't want to do on a deeper level. And on and on.

A quick read of your profile leads me to believe you have a good idea of what you want and need. To me, all those things comprise your "self" and to become un-self would sort of end your being, and none of this would matter. i think there's a difference between selfishness and nurturing your self. i don't think there is such a thing as a relationship without compromise, because no two people are 100% compatibile. That's why i think it's important to identify our needs from our wants, or our essential wants from those we can compromise on. i could give a examples of what i mean, but that's prolly not necessary?
i see "Dom" as a controlling position, and to me, real control is not about demands, it's about influencing and controlling a subs need to please, etc..

This is a vast topic to me, but a few of my thoughts. <3

cherilynn​(sub female) • Mar 26, 2023

In my experience, the people who have a healthy balance between self care and consideration for others know what empathy and consideration are and practice such consistently.

In my most humble view, relationships, kinky or otherwise, work best when both partners work together as a team as opposed to all the focus going towards one person.


YMMV

MstressWhipplash​(dom female) • Jun 24, 2023

A FemDom long term relationship is a RELATIONSHIP first. It's two people connecting long term as there is mutual compatibility.
That means getting to know each other as people to SEE if there is mutual compatibility over a few years, at least, of dating.

So until she consents to be in authority over him and the Submissive or Slave consents to give up authority to her? No.

Not giving up authority to her yet doesn't mean being a dick. It means using the manners your mother gave you. Teaching an adult adulting isn't something I am interested in.

There is absorbing what EACH person likes and dislikes in life then kink.

IF all of that is compatible then she chooses to lead. Discussions occur regarding what parts of the Submissive or Slave life she has authority over. Each relationship is different but what remains at the core is mutual trust, mutual friendship, love, fun and laughter. The Dominant Woman being in authority and the Submissive/Slave being OBEDIENT.

How does he stop being self-serving?

In my personal opinion if he is a bottom seeking kinky play a relationship with a Dominant Woman won't suit her because he will remain his base nature.

In my personal view a Submissive puts their Owner/Dominant first above what they seek. If that guy approaching at the beginning is already struggling to keep his kink list in his pocket until she asks, then there isn't compatibility and he should move on.

Musetta​(sub female) • Jun 25, 2023

I’m going to be honest, unless and until I’m in a dynamic…it IS all about me. My natural tendency, left unchecked, is to become absorbed in the needs, wants, and perspective of my partner.
While meeting people, I keep a firm eye on my wants/needs and how those new people make me feel. When interacting with them, I do a lot of deep listening in an effort to understand who they are and their wants/needs.
When I’m not in a dynamic, the only people it makes sense to be deeply concerned with, is myself and the people I love.

That seems reasonably healthy to me. I feel like the goal is an alignment of wants and needs of the people in the dynamic. When misaligned, it can feel like both people are just being selfish. Kind of as Miki said, it’s about compatibility.