To Chase or not to Chase

To Chase or not to Chase

TopekaDom​(dom male) • Oct 13, 2023

So a question to those inside the collar and outside:

What is your philosophy on advancing relationships within the lifestyle? That is to say, do you pursue those you find interesting or do you wait for them to come to you?

I get there are those that wish to be Predator/prey. There is a thrill of hunting down and capturing a fleeing tail, and I understand the desire of being forced on one's belly and feel the bite on the neck that pins you to the ground.

But still,

There is a deep desire of those who will simply surrender themselves to another. Seeing Someone worthy of having ownership of mind, body, and soul and offering it up to them on a velvet pillow.

All of Us here engage in the same dance. Some more intensely than other. But still, to the same objectives....

To own or be owned: How does your flavor run?

LordofPain56 • Oct 13, 2023

Probably not the example you are looking for, but I have a long-established method which I believe is proper and is designed to aid in avoiding mistakes in mate selection. You've probably read about my method in other forum posts.
Most people nowadays seem to use the trial-and-error method, which often ends in disaster and woe. I choose not to go this way.
On the other hand, there are those who are out for just casual play. I suppose those folks could just read peoples favored BDSM activities at the bottom of the profiles.
Furthermore, I prefer NOT to chase unless there is a mutual hope for a permanent connection (monogamy). Not a player.

ButterfliesAndCuffs​(sub female){LJ} • Oct 14, 2023

When it comes to starting a relationship, I love to be pursued. I match that energy if I’m interested though. So it really is more like a dance with the Dom taking my hand and leading.

fluffypoppet​(sub female){Protected} • Oct 14, 2023

I don’t chase, I attract.

It is my way.

I might let myself be pursued… but I’m skittish.

Sincorrigible​(sub female) • Oct 14, 2023

I will approach someone based on their profile or words in forums /blogs. And that's not usually in a 'im interested in you for a relationship' way. I don't think I've ever aggressively chased and persisted with someone. (I'm a pretty firm advocate of evolutionary psychology in general explaining average mating behaviours... Ergo men pursue, women are pursued. )

I've mostly entered into 'proper' ds relationships when a man has approached me, struck up a conversation, and we've slowly built a friendship /kink and/or ds understanding. I don't respond terribly well to being aggressively pursued. I've mostly found the men in the bdsm world who behave like that like the chase more than the person, and they are thinking with their dicks. Easy to spot after a while, but they are the bane of a submissive's life when she actively markets herself. You can always spot them because the minute they 'get you' contact drops away and you're left feeling a little sullied that you fell for it.

Good things take time, and aggressively shoehorning someone into your fantasy/illusion of what ds looks like is never going to work. And that's how I perceive that 'chase game'.

Also often linked to men asking you who else you're talking to/trying to limit/control that. A wonderful dominant once told me, when I was beginning my real world exploration, 'don't pay much attention to the ones shouting and posturing at you. It's the quiet ones you want to watch out for.' and that has certainly been true for me.

LordofPain56 • Oct 14, 2023

From what I have noticed, you can get that same feeling, possibly even more intense than you know by conversing with someone who had been attracted to the things written in your profile and/or in the forums. Those are the things that draw interest (or conversely turn someone off). If the person is attracted to your personality, you keep feeding that prospect with more of yourself. Promote open discussion about everything they've learned about you (and you do the same about what you have learned about her. Rather than chase or pursue, I open myself more and more to that person who had taken an interest. It invites her to tell of her experiences, fears, worries, etc, which you can offer remedies to for the purpose of building her up.

Bunnie • Oct 14, 2023

There is a vulnerability in being the one who approaches… kind of like exposing your jugular and giving them the power to determine how they choose to respond to that. I like that (even though it is scary).

lambsone • Oct 14, 2023

I prefer being pursued, but because I am looking for a specific and hard to find dynamic as a Born Again Christian, I cannot afford to sit back and not contact someone who shows that possibility. I have been contacted by Doms and have contacted Doms since I've been here and found several that I like and think I could get along with. All of them seem to be strong and determined men, but also kind and gentlemanly. So I wait to see if anything permanent develops while remaining in contact with them all and I keep checking the personals while I am still free to do so.

aPeepingMom​(sub female) • Oct 14, 2023

What a great question, TopekaDom!

I don't want to be conquered, I want to surrender. If he pursues me too fast or aggressively, I won't just flee. I will build the fastest and thickest brick wall around me that not even the biggest, baddest wolf can knock down. And then I will carve out a small window and shove my torpedo launcher through, ready to blast him to pieces.

It's the rare person who is able to pursue me without me feeling like he's going to pounce on a whim. Someone who is able to take two steps toward me and I only take one step back. Building the trust. Drawing out my eagerness and my desire to submit. Until one day, I realize he's caught up and is towering over me. The hunger for his prey clearly visible, but with control and restraint. And that - the ability to control his pursuit and aggression - is what will make me drop to my knees and surrender my body, my mind, and my soul.

LordofPain56 • Oct 15, 2023

Brilliant !
In the Old Testament, God's original intent was to make the nation of Israel so prosperous and content that the surrounding pagan nations would notice. They would be drawn to Israel, where they would inquire of Joshua how it is that they have so great a peace and prosperity in their land. He would tell them that it is because they follow the Law handed down to them from the creator God, thru Moses. They too would ask for these laws and permission to worship the one true God also and be converted. (Surrender).
See the similarity?
BTW, the modern idea of learning through good example performed by others also originates in those passages.