New relationship advice

New relationship advice

The Number one Sir​(dom male) • Dec 4, 2023

Hi folks; appreciate you taking the time to read my post. I'm a Dom who has been on the forum for a few years.

I had one previous D/s relationship with a sub and she had some experience when we met (I was pretty new), and things went pretty well. We didn't have a lot of relationship speedbumps along the way. That relationship ended around 2.5 years ago, although we parted on good terms.

Recently I met someone unexpectedly and we've been exploring some things. Compared to my last relationship this one is different and I'm having a couple of issues and perhaps someone has some advice.
The new woman I have met is very new to the D/s type relationship (or so she says), she also seems to be leaning more into wanting someone to be her daddy in some capacity. That is something I do have some online experience in a few years ago and it does appeal to me, I enjoy the nurturing caring side to the relationship, it doesn't feel unnatural to me at all, I'm enjoying exploring it.

Mostly things have been good between us, I've been sharing more about my life and we've been building trust and communication together. We've had some great and hot moments. There are a couple of things that have been eating me a little.

One is I seem to have more experience than her. I'm always afraid of scaring her away by being too 'advanced' or aggressive; so far she doesn't seem to have been offended but I feel like I'm holding back a bit. For example she is leaning into wanting a daddy like I said, but she said she isn't quite there in terms of expressing it to me; do I talk to her as if I am *already* her daddy? or do I wait for her to mentally get there? I'm not used to being with someone who is so new.

Also when we have a misunderstanding. Generally I'm quite perceptive and can understand her needs and wants; but a couple of times I've misunderstood her. Not huge things but I've noticed its really impacted me emotionally, I feel like I've screwed up and its negatively impact us, I feel deflated. Is this normal?

The other is I asked her if she wants to submit to me as her Dom in a general sense and then go from there exploring. However she said she doesn't really know what that means and she wants to be open to exploring other pleasurable experiences etc etc. At first I felt a bit deflated about it; then sat on it a while and realized from her point of view that makes sense, I told her we should take things one step at a time and see how it goes which she was happy with. It still leaves me slightly uneasy in some ways, hard to describe. Maybe its because I'm emotionally invested a little and don't feel that she is as much?

I think overall I'm finding I'm emotionally see-sawing, I'm either up and it feels great, or I'm down and it doesn't.

Any advice is appreciated. thank you

Literate Lycan​(dom male) • Dec 4, 2023

Good morning,

More communication. Talk to her more with frank discussions and establish expectations for all interactions. You don't just talk to her like you are already there, you let it mature naturally as you discuss and slowly let it develop. But in what ways does she want you to be her Daddy? You could be right - you may already be more emotionally invested than she is but that doesn't mean she won't get there after you establish your dynamic. But in having conversations you can determine whether both of you have the same vision and goals for the outcome of your dynamic.

In addition, cut yourself some slack when you make an error. We are all human. In the same facet that she will make a mistake, you make corrections to improve and go on. You improve. It is natural for all parties to feel they let their partner down when they make an error.


All the best.

Lovingly Strict​(switch female) • Dec 4, 2023

She isn't ready and isn't that much into you. She is unsure of what she wants, but it doesn't sound like she solely wishes to be with you and only you. She wants to be with other men.

SchrodingersDinosaur​(switch female){N/a} • Dec 4, 2023

I didn’t get that take from his query, Lovingly Strict. The way it read to me was that the lady wasn’t quite sure exactly what the subbie role (or even Lifestyle in general) entails. I took the ‘wanting to be open to other pleasurable experiences’ as just that, she’s interested in OP but not sure if she is wanted a purely D/s (or Daddy/little) situation. There are lots of folks who are semi-fluid in their relationship, sometimes nilla, sometimes more caregiving, sometimes a bit more sadist/ maso. That fluidity does not work for everyone but it is a valid relationship option.

OP, I’m with Lycan… best thing you can do for you and she is TALK. Lots and lots of communication. No Dominant, I don’t care how experienced or knowledgeable, really knows EXACTLY what a new partner needs. You get there together.

Three quick (relatively…) tidbits, and I’ll stop rambling at you. First, nowhere do I get from this that you are emotionally invested and she is not. I read that she’s not sure what *this* is supposed to look like/ feel like. Which leads me into point 2… if you truly feel drawn to dominance you need to be the leader. Everyone has to learn somehow, but if your previous relationship was a traditional D/s type arrangement it does sound as though your sub was topping from the bottom. If you and your new friend talk it through and decide D/s or Daddy/little is gonna be your jam you have to step up, that’s kind of the point. You are never going to be a mind reader, and getting into your own head because there’s been a misunderstanding is going to fail her more than than misunderstanding in the first place. If you are open and talking miscommunications don’t have to be problematic, they give you the opportunity to learn even more about each other, and your relationship. Giving a sub the impression that you are freaking out about an issue can make it less likely for them to be able to share openly going forward. Remember most subs really do have an innate desire to please.

Finally last bit, perhaps it was just a bit more onerous to me than the way you intended it to sound, but I got a serious ick from the she’s new to D/s, or ‘so she says’, statement. If you really feel like the person you are with has more experience than she’s letting on I would say either you’ve intimidated her into not feeling comfortable admitting her actual experience and/ or she’s not a person you should be getting involved with.

Henna’s two cents, utilize if of value, ignore if not…

Miki​(masochist female) • Dec 5, 2023

Hmmm common thread to these types of queries. Sub needs to communicate. Just because one is a submissive does not mean they aren't allowed to communicate what they want, what they don't want, etc. So her being new to this, she needs to ask questions and look for resources that, in a general way, give the basics. Of course every dynamic is different and those "informational" things are not to be taken as rote.

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I won't pry . I just wonder, if the former relationship was going so well what happened to it? Got old, right? (rhetorical question) From what I have seen among all types of relationships, either BDSM or not--- they get old and people change and either one eventually beats feet or gets thrown out the window, figuratively speaking. I don't bring this up to winnow personal info about past dynamics. I merely raised the topic because people have to expect, as wonderful as these things start out and maintain for a bit--- they all get old and people change their preferences.

If people are prepared for that development, not dwell on it, it makes moving on a lot easier for both.

Bunnie • Dec 5, 2023

To me personally this sounds pretty normal. You’re trying to figure out how best to guide her, she’s trying to figure out how best to follow. The fact that you’re unsure and questioning yourself (and even willing to be open about that and reach out for feedback), to me, is a great thing!
I often say to submissives on this journey, “learn to become comfortable with being uncomfortable”… because a lot of what we do exists in the realm of discomfort within ourselves. We’re challenging ourselves, we’re learning, we’re growing. I think maybe it’s much the same for Dominants?

In another lifetime I rode horses. Everyone wanted the perfect horse… the one that was a dream to ride. We called them “push-button horses,” and they did exist. The amazing thing about a push-button horse was that they were easy… and they made you look like a great rider! The down side was that even though you thought you did, you didn’t really learn much about how to be a rider and actually connect with a horse. Someone else had already done all the work of getting them to that place. After time spent in that world, push-button horses became much less appealing because we came to realise that the fun is in the journey together… building and creating your own unique bond and dance. However, that requires hard work, and yes, a constant questioning of your capabilities. Then one day you look back and see how far you’ve come without even realising. And it feels way more amazing because part of the glue is the blood, sweat and tears you’ve both put in… but moreso because your dance is uniquely yours

The Number one Sir​(dom male) • Dec 20, 2023

Thanks everyone; I will reply in more detail (and read through your advice again) but things have settled a little between us.

It turns out time wise she is overloaded in her life right now and has some stress going on, so she was hesitant on making any big commitments especially for things she's unfamiliar with at this point. So communication has been a big thing and taking things slow.

During our talks she has really leaned into being my little and me being her Daddy Dom, it felt weird to her at first to refer to me as Daddy (but she already had fantasies in her head) but after some time she's grown comfortable with it.
I'm enjoying being in that role, I like the caring nurturing side of it. It does seem we still have a lot to learn about one another and the DD/lg is something I need to keep reading up on.

I'll reply again later; thanks everyone...

CageOwner​(dom male) • Dec 20, 2023

I have 3 pieces of advice for the two of you:

1) Communication
2) Communication
3) Communication

But seriously there literally is nothing more important in a relationship than communicating and managing expectations.

Good luck 🍀

The Number one Sir​(dom male) • Jan 2, 2024

Well I need not have worried about any of this; looks like she dumped me!

Not exactly the great start to 2024 that I expected but cie la vie