farashacaveluv |
9 months ago •
Feb 23, 2024
Re: Concern
9 months ago •
Feb 23, 2024
farashacaveluv • Feb 23, 2024
He was the one to reach out to me in the group. Obviously, we don't have the same values when it comes to connections with people. I figured a chill connection would not have to be severed. I'm friends/acquaintances with like 99% of the people I have connected with romantically recently and in the past. So, it hit me harder because that is not the norm for me. Plus, the whole 24/7 thing is very all consuming. Not sure why he thought being poly outside of that would be doable with me or anyone. I don't even think she works, she was like bringing him coffee and lunch at work. I'm fine with having a dom, which I have a play partner for. I was thinking of doing some play with him as well, since I am not tied to anyone seriously, I have a gf and my play partner mainly, but in an open relationship otherwise. I suppose being such a free spirit might not be his thing to be with either. I am not going to commit to staying anywhere for anyone. Never again after my former marriage, but I will visit and bring joy to folks. Mainly posting to process. It just sucks that this person didn't at least have the bandwidth to be friends we did get a long for the most part.
Heero wrote: farashacaveluv wrote: So, I was speaking with an individual out of state and things were going well, then out of the blue he tells me that he is not feeling the spark/vibe. This is fine. The issue is that he cut off all ties. He has a 24/7 dynamic with his nesting partner in a V with her husband. I told him that I was concerned that that nesting partner was all consuming and bringing in another relationship might be hard. He assured me that he could handle it and then turned right around and cut me out after a flimsy excuse. I do not agree in cutting ties with someone who is a positive influence and who could be a friend. I find it pretty cowardly that he didn't have the balls to at least be my friend/acquaintance after the connection on a romantic level was very short lived. Am I wrong and in saying that he handled it horribly and it made me feel very de-valued and used? First of all, I do sympathize with you. Getting rejected really sucks. It's virtually impossible not to feel slighted somehow. It is not my intent to further hurt your feelings, but based on what you wrote, I would say that you are the one handling the situation poorly. And that says a lot, because when hearing one side of a story where someone is complaining, it is usually much easier to side with the person that is telling you their side of the story. Here are some important things to consider, not necessarily in order of importance, but hopefully will be helpful to you when you're ready to hear them.
1. As adults, we are not entitled to others' feelings and time. No one should force you to be their friend or lover and you shouldn't try to force that on anyone either. Your time and attention in a relationship needs to be freely given. In my opinion, a relationship is not worth it if someone wants to leave it and the other person is continuously compelling them to stay. 2. I think I saw the term ghosted somewhere and that he blocked you for "nothing", I think neither of these are the case. Ghosting means to disappear without an explanation. And a reason was given that is not "nothing". People get blocked on here for nothing all the time, and I've even spoken out against that in some cases. That is not what happened here though. 3. Not feeling a spark/vibe IS a good reason not to pursue a romantic relationship or friendship. Also, given your position, there is virtually no excuse he could have given that would be "valid" to you. 4. As @SnowMinx said, it was his choice to make and there is really no point in speculating what the real reason(s) were. You're only doing a disservice to yourself here. 5. You spoke about feeling undervalued, and I get it...but consider that by clinging to these thoughts you're having is under-valuing yourself. When something is valuable, and someone refuses it, the attitude tends to be "ok, buddy, your loss! Someone else will come along and maybe even pay more for this than you were considering in the first place!" Being hung up on their refusal communicates the opposite of value. Now, I do believe you have value, but you're not acting consistent with that is the point. 6. Time is one of the most precious things that we have. And everyone has finite time and resources. One cannot expect someone to just collect relationships non-stop. Having a friendship could mean not having time for another kind of friendship or romantic connection that is actually desired. There is nothing wrong with a person's decision to not want a certain kind of relationship in their life. 7. It should also be said, that the nature of your connection did not obligate him in any way to stick around. If you had kids together or something like that, and he bailed, that's a whole other discussion. 8. I understand that you do not agree with cutting ties with someone who is a positive influence to you, and I would agree! I wouldn't want to do that either! BUT...a relationship is not JUST about you...one side of a relationship feeling they have enough positive benefit to make the relationship worth keeping is not enough. This needs to happen on all sides. |
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