So whatdayathink?

So whatdayathink?

MesmerizedbyU​(sub male) • Sep 30, 2018

Is it really possible to rekindle sexuality in a 26 year long friendship. (Yes we are married) There are natural processes at work here as we have passed middle age. Will bdsm be the spark to light the fire again?

SubforHim​(sub female) • Sep 30, 2018

If you want it bad enough, then yes. And honestly if anything can create a spark, it is this lifestyle. Just take it one day at a time and let the dynamic you create together build the connection back between the two of you.

Good luck!

MesmerizedbyU​(sub male) • Sep 30, 2018

Breaking the ice seems to be very difficult.
We have experimented with a mild scene that included restraints and sensory play. I think we both enjoyed it. But I fear she feels it may have been a one off thing. A novelty of sorts.
For sure I was unable to maintain the momentum of the instance further into our lives.
I think the likely cause of that is that the scene was played opposite of my fantasy. I want to submit to her. At least on my part... Anyway....
It has been difficult to I initiate more play ever since.
How to slowly warm vanilla into something more savoury. Without burning the pot...
Any suggestions?

RavenN • Sep 30, 2018

I am in a similar situation, 28 years of marriage. Unfortunately, we are now separated, but luckily remain as friends.
Your words, "I think the likely cause of that is that the scene was played opposite of my fantasy. I want to submit to her."
Have you expressed these feelings to her? Honesty and trust are the key.

Re: So whatdayathink?

FabSeverus​(dom male) • Sep 30, 2018

Bdsm is not a sexual therapy?!
It’s a life, a second works for most of us.

FabSeverus​(dom male) • Sep 30, 2018

Should read “world” ?

MissBonnie​(dom female){oz} • Oct 1, 2018

Fab gave you some wonderful advise IMO. "BDSM is not sex therapy". Every day I see "introduced" women that suffering from being that "burnt" pot you speak off all because the partner wanted the spice (men burnt too, its not just one way). More often than not when time is spent with the couple they just need a sexual kick in the pants, not BDSM. if this is your first foray into BDSM in 27 years of marriage (hard to tell with the words supplied), then I'll go out on a limb and say your possibly seeing it as a marriage "additive" rather than a life style. I'll also take a stab in the dark and say it more than likely appealed to you and lit a fire under you because it took the responsibility of you being in charge of sex (as you more than been in a traditional marriage) and made it hers to control (fix) Nothing wrong with that but it can have major issues if not addressed the right way.

If your truthful with yourself is BDSM what you really want? or do you just want that heat and sexual spark back that you had for EACH OTHER back when you first couldn't keep your hands off each other? Remember quickies when no one was watching? or the time you nearly got caught? that passionate, rip each others clothes of fucking! Because these are TWO very, very different things. If you do there are ways to rebuild that intimacy a fast google search will find tips and hints and even couple exercises that will work. Once you've rebuilt the intimacy and fantastic sex life, then add the BDSM as an additive or the main course.

if you plan on just going ahead . A little advise, do so VERY slowly, its not a quick FIX. Burning that 'pot' is all to easy. Often when burnt out, it is hard to repair.

MissBonnie​(dom female){oz} • Oct 1, 2018

Do'h some of my thoughts didn't make to the page. I really really do hope you find a balance that works for you BOTH. that spark to a relationship is important for any couple. Best of luck as you move forward. I do hope all works out for you BOTH.

MesmerizedbyU​(sub male) • Oct 1, 2018

I appreciate that everyone is sharing their thoughts and experience with me.
It gives me plenty to think about.

WhiteRoses​(sub female) • Oct 1, 2018

Yes it is possible. It's going to take honest communication on both sides about a whole lot of things.

Don't give up. Work on it. The only time things are too late is when one of you is gone. That's when mistakes can't be fixed.

Don't find yourself in my situation. I wish I had been smarter.

And whether it is a change to the BDSM lifestyle or just introducing something different to crank up the interest, it doesn't matter. What matters is the desire to make things better. Lots of levels that can encompass this. Find what is right. It all starts with honesty and communication and the desire to make it work and be happy.