How would you go about it

How would you go about it

Little Vixie​(sub female){Mgh30} • Apr 6, 2024

Hello everyone. Im in a predicament.
This story involves 3 people that goes to the same bdsm/swingers sex club.

1. The first is my dom. Lovely man, very caring and sweet. He only does bdsm. Doesn't really want to play with others but is open to it.
2. A dom that I would consider to be a friend. Has made it well known that he is jealous of my dom, but says he understand. Doesn't anything negative about my dom. Just makes comments periodically about how he wishes that he could be my priority.
3. Another dom that I've talked to. Interested in playing with me. Well versed into kink and shibari (I love shibari and want to explore more of it)

My dom doesn't care that I play with others. Only wants me to be safe. At the end of the I came home to him and I adore him. Dom 2 doesn't want me to playing with dom 3 because dom 3 "always goes after who he is playing with and the community is small". Dom 2 makes comments about how he doesn't care if dom 3 doesn't talk to me because it seems like he wants me to himself. Dom 2 has been in the community/swingers club to understand what happens, but says he is "new to being poly". I don't want another dom by any means. I live across the state from that club and more doms means more shit to juggle.

Am I wrong for wanting to tell dom 2 that I will play with who I want to even if that means possibly losing a friend's. He's made me feel like shit a couple of times with how he was acted, but it seems like he has brushed it off or ended the argument by saying "I really feel like I need to beat your ass"

Chemistry rules

MasterDomDok​(sadist male){you?} • Apr 6, 2024

No, you are not wrong. If you don't feel chemistry, or for your own reasons which you do NOT have to spell out, you are totally required to turn down a Dom's advances. If you run into flack, get help from the club's admin folks.

aPeepingMom​(sub female) • Apr 6, 2024

Based on what you are saying, it looks to me as Dom 2 has made it clear to you that he wants to be your Dom, so his opinions are biased. He has an ulterior motive, he doesn’t want you playing with anyone else because he wants you.

So to answer your question: No, it is not wrong for you to tell him to mind his own business, even if it means losing him as your “friend”. Because, and I hate to break this to you, he is not your friend. He is a predator waiting to claim his prey.

aradialspire​(dom femme) • Apr 6, 2024

You two (Dom #2 and you) are not in any formal relationship; you are just friends. You already have a Dom, and Dom #2 needs to understand that your actual Dom has agreed that you may do whatever you please. Dom #2 doesn't get to dictate what you do. You do!

He is not your priority because he is a friend. Dom #2 sounds like a kind of "Placeholder dominant" I've known many times in my life, the kind that tries to sidle up to others under the guise of friendship and guilt their way into a dynamic. There are giant red flags with him going on about #3 and talking about #3 stealing all his toys. You're not even his toy!

I once had a "friend" like him, and it did not end well. No matter what you do, you can't appease that kind of person, and you shouldn't have to.

A friend, whether Dom, sub, Kinkster, or whatever else they may be, will respect your choices. They will accept that they can't have you because you are your own human with your own desires. What's going on here is not friendship; friends listen to each other; they don't guilt one another into relationships. This person will never respect you.

You owe it to yourself to go have a good time. If you want to enjoy shibari, go do it. You don't need this guy's permission; he's a nonentity. If something goes sideways, you can talk to the that club's admins and handle it. You don't need this guy's help. Befriend other people in the area, if the scene is small I'm sure others would love to get to know you and show you the ropes

And do talk to your actual Dom about what's happening and how Dom #2 is making you feel. If you think you can't handle this alone, it's okay to ask for help sometimes. If Dom #2 has overstepped some boundaries and continues to do so, he might need some checking. Some men won't listen to women and need a man to tell them to knock it off.

Literate Lycan​(dom male) • Apr 6, 2024

Good evening. Perhaps there are a few elements that are either unknown or unspoken in your description. Or perhaps you inferred and I am slow on the uptake.

When you say Dom #2 and Dom #3, I'm inferring you are "playing" with them and Dom #2 is rather infatuated with you. If I misread, my apologies. But if that is the case, that is also the peril of poly and playing. There isn't anything wrong with the scenario as long as everyone is being open, honest and transparent. And Dom #2 doesn't sound like he's being open, honest and transparent - or rather, he's not respecting your decisions and is trying to coerce you into changing who you are or how you interact for himself.

You are not wrong if you've been clear and honest with him, which it seems you have been if Dom #2 is well acquainted with the existence of Dom #1 and Dom #3. Dom #2 cannot handle the situation and he has made you feel horrible - and then plays your feelings off as unimportant. Not every answer should be "beating ass" and as indicated above, he's "a friend" - not in your Dynamic. At most he is a play partner. I concur with comments above - you may lose his friendship but honestly a friend wouldn't treat you like that. I'd be brutal with him.

Sincorrigible​(sub female) • Apr 6, 2024

What others have said.

Ethical non monogamy is my preferred term. Coercion, manipulation, playing people off against each other, and lack of respect are rife in what is now the widely used catch all term for a lifestyle called 'polyamory'. If you say ethical non monogamy instead, it catches all these less than desirable behaviours.

If dom 1 cares about your safety, I'd perhaps consult him regarding these other two. My husband always had valuable opinions about my other play partners, even if I didn't like what he said. (he was almost always right).

And (no evidence of this in your described scenario, but from personal experience, I feel it's worth saying) make sure dom 3 isn't playing good cop/bad cop with you regarding dom 2 sounding inappropriately controlling. You might find he's not that much different from dom 2..

Trust your gut. And ask yourself if a real friend would behave in that way.

Compersion is a lovely term regarding taking pleasure in your partners pleasure, when it isn't with you. That's friendship /respect/love.

Good luck!

MattyCr​(dom male) • Apr 8, 2024

If he made u feel bad dump him u deserve the best

MasterDomDok​(sadist male){you?} • Apr 25, 2024

"I really feel like I need to beat your ass"

I beat asses to force orgasms. It takes a particular masochist to really get off from them. If you don't, then playing with one who beats you for its own enjoyment can be counted upon to leave scars of all the wrong sorts. Safewords are often ignored by such, breaking trust, breaking laws. In those states (NOT Calif, for instance) where consent is an excuse to condone bruising consent can be yanked in an instant by excersizing your safeword/gagged code movement as agreed upon before even starting.

Has "Dom2" ever asked you what your safeword is? total red flag if not, full halt, do not pass go, do not collect $200.

Same goes with humiliation play. Some subbies expect it, relish it, get off behind it. Again, only those who thrill from it willingly should be put into that situation. I feel like your descriptions indicate you do not. That means his attempts to demean you are unwelcum with no consent. That's verbal assault, called bullying by some. The beating is battery, without consent (California ignores consent, so any bruise can land your bruising partner in a California prison as a sex offender, lifetime list.) and any instrument used besides hands ups the charge to assault with a deadly weapon.

I have seen a new poster:
What is the international hand signal for human trafficking?
Hand held up, as if giving an oath, with all fingers together, then thumb folded onto the palm. Fingers fold over and around the thumb, thereby symbolically “trapping” the thumb inside the fingers, representing someone who is being trafficked, trapped, abused, hurt or confined against his or her will. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qo637QX9BMM

Miki • Apr 26, 2024

You're not wrong, but IMHO you're opening yourself to needless complications down the line.

Dom 1: Not into multi-shit "but open to it"-- Explore the possibility he is telling you what you want to hear all the while also "subtly" communicating to you that he doesn't dig those potatoes.

As I often say, but certainly not the first to say so: "It's No Good if You Gotta Force It" It Can lead to resentment down the line, however cloaked.

Sooner or later, such "pimples" rise to the surface and the pus is not far behind-- so to speak.

Dom 2 sucks. Jealous. I would not put up with one of those. Jealous friends or partners have no place in a sane individual's life. This clown can be a proverbial spike up your ass down the line. Who needs that?

Dom 3.. into something you like. ----I used to be into senyojo jutsu (shibari by a more mysterious and enticing name)---- back in the day. Was a lot of fun.
Well, if Dom 1 who is your #1 of course is OK with this.. or says he is OK then go have fun.

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Through it all it brings to mind a reason I never did any kind of "relationship" beyond the casual. I refused to give up the freedom to play with whoever I wanted without the complication of having to go home to one of them. But of course I'm the Loner type. I enjoy my space and it is mine alone, and I am "blessed" (That's Just Me!) that I do not need any relationships other than my very long-running friendship with my roomie----- and that works so well because she is more away than home due to her work.

However you slice it, the above are just my thoughts. If it works for you and it's jake with numero uno--- knock yourself out.

Safely!