Gave Up Sub/Dom Relationship-Feel Lost

Gave Up Sub/Dom Relationship-Feel Lost

roughandtumbler​(sub female) • Jun 9, 2024

Recently I discovered that I truly love being submissive. After 28 years of marriage and a dry sex life, I felt alive and fully sexual. The only hold up? My dom was not my husband. He lived thousands of miles away in Grwat Britain.

After weeks of charged exchanges with my dom I decided to tentatively include my husband in my new found sexual nature. He was excited. We had great sex and explored things that we had never done before.

It was great until it wasn’t. Even though I could never meet my dom and I fully included my husband in my tasks and exchanges with my dom, he became insecure and hurt.

I finally decided to end it with my dom to save my marriage but now I feel lost. My husband, to his credit, had tried to be a dom in our marriage but is not naturally suited for if and it just isn’t the same for me.

I fully realize that what I did was wrong. Bringing a third person into my life was not a good choice. But it made me feel excited and alive. It made me feel wanted and desirable. Now I just feel lost. I’m 51 and I’ve never had much of a sex drive. And for those brief weeks I wanted it and wanted to explore my sexuality. Now I feel shut down.

How do I go on from this? My husband is sad because the old, sexual me is gone. I miss my dom and the structure of my days. Do I just give up that part of me? Try it again with husband (who is now extremely suspicious and insecure, not good dom makings)? I just feel like my new life is dead. It makes me really sad.

Any thoughts are welcome.

fluffypoppet​(sub female){Protected} • Jun 9, 2024

I'm sorry you are in this position. My heart goes out to you and your husband and former Dom. Lots of hearts are at stake here, it seems.

I think it is often a mistake to be involved in the lifestyle without the informed consent of your partner(s). That's problematic for people who are married off before realizing their needs.

For me, a dynamic needs honesty. Which means entering a dynamic with your husband would be difficult unless you can lean into honesty and vulnerability. At this point though, if you had a dynamic without his consent those things may come with consequences.

Relationships can take different shapes.
- Your husband may understand your need for a dynamic and allow you a Dom.
- Not all dynamics are sexual. He may consent to a platonic dynamic for you.
- He may be unbothered by an online dynamic.
- Open marriages are also trendy these days.

At this point, you are going to face consequences, it is a matter of deciding what consequences you can live with:
- hurting your husband (it sounds like he is already struggling.)
- losing your marriage (it sounds like that is already unsatisfying for you both at least sexually.)
- losing your sexuality (you've lived without that before.)
- living with your secrets.
It is generally the best bet to make choices in alignment with your values.

I'm terribly sorry for the hurt that has come with discovering your sexuality.

If you'd rather chat privately, feel free to reach out.

SageFlame​(sub female) • Jun 9, 2024

My thoughts.

First - I am truly sorry to hear of your struggles. I have experienced a long marriage with intermittent maintenance sex, you have my heart felt sympathy. I have also experienced the exhilaration of being a sub and the loss of a Dom. That feeling of being shut down? I know what that is like. Your not alone.

~"How do I go on from this?"

To begin with, you don't have to choose the next step. Feeling the loss and adjusting to the void is all you need to do right now. Double up on your self care and get something on your calendar to look forward to; an activity that brings you joy. While being a caring and supportive partner is the natural course, it is important to understand you are not responsible for their feelings. There is nothing you need to or can fix. Simply listening, validating without guilt or judgement is huge not to mention good communication.

Grab a journal to have a space for pour out your thoughts and feelings. Cry. Move your body - sadness has a way of weighing us down. Try an art therapy session. Try a new way of expression. The important thing is to express and not suppress your thoughts and emotions. This will allow flow, and provide space for new things.

Shame begets shame. My best advice is not to frame this a good or bad, right or wrong. Mistakes are a natural and normal part of this human experience. It can be a wonderful and painful experience, spark joy and deep sadness ; all are useful and helpful.

Asking yourself good questions as time goes by may help draw out the insight to be gained from this experience:

What are my needs? Why?
What are my wants? Why?
What do I value? Why?

Use this time for self discovery before thinking about what you will do going forward as far as a Dom and your partner. Find a bit of peace and beauty in each day - it is there. We only have the present moment. Be kind to yourself. Trust the future.

Bunnie • Jun 9, 2024

I love that you were open and honest with your husband. Clearly you love and respect him and your marriage. Where do you go from here?
Sounds like some big, deep discussions are needed.

Miki • Jun 10, 2024

Take time off first. Accept that your husband is not "dom material"--

But also accept that you might not be happy or satisfied with how things are. Maybe, maybe not. But one thing is for sure. You have a tough decision ahead of you that I surely do not envy.

But it is not a decision you have to make quickly. Maybe your husband will make the choice for you as in leaving.

But although not "ethical" in some circles, that you included husband in this, at least in keeping him informed--- It could be other issues with the marriage. Sometimes people simply "grow apart". It goes for any type of relationship, not just D/s dynamics.

I'mME • Jun 10, 2024

Roughandtumbler

*. My husband, to his credit, had tried to be a dom in our marriage but is not naturally suited for if and it just isn’t the same for me.*

I do not know how long you were in said PE with the Brit Dom. How long has it been since you called it quits?
Was that your first PE relationship? Do you have long time experience in PE?


Has your husband been following your Doms )) plan of action?

roughandtumbler​(sub female) • Jun 10, 2024

It was a relatively short relationship. My first PE. But now I’m addicted! Trying not to be though.

Eveonna​(masochist female){none} • Jun 10, 2024

Well I know a couple the sub was not in to the hard stuff but she also would switch but she do with a sub guy and her guy would do it with a sub , but they take people out to lunch first with the wife they would check on each other even at a D/s club no attachments but friendship with these people they played with no sexual intercourse just passion and play was something did not cross the line. Everyone has their thing but as long as you work it out might be mine but you do what you can. People had lovers back then they still loved their person but their person knew they agreed on nothing too far but open and honest. You both still love each and have feelings you must still have passion in other ways no shame for wanting it. The royals done it the rich have everyone have cake eat it to everyone happy as long not behind your back. But its up to you how this goes if anything ever changes you still be friends with your husband even if parts but you gotta go on keep living enjoy this cause changes can happen so enjoy it now try even women if you like.

Eveonna​(masochist female){none} • Jun 10, 2024

But if life changes not saying life is wrong but if not the same you love them but you want deep aliment in the lifestyle then you need do what is right part those ways you find someone that can. Two soul set free they can find someone that aligns with them.

TwinkleEyes • Jun 10, 2024

These thoughts, emotions, and feelings are just normal. It’s OK to just be present in your feelings. I agree with the above self-care is really important right now. Even if you have to fake it until you make it. It sounds like maybe you are having emotions related to the change in your relationship with your husband, the end of the dynamic, husbands emotions, and the lack of daily connection and tasks. It might be possible that you’re in a sub drop.

Having a drop is not uncommon after ending a relationship. No matter the type or anyone’s titles. After my first deliberate dynamic with a D type I went into a drop for months. I hadn’t realized how deeply submissive I am. I truly thought I was a dominant. I think the realization that I was submissive added to the drop. If you’re in drop, then it’s important to do a bunch of different things to build back up those endorphins in your body. Doing the things that you love even if you have to go through the motions until you actually feel it.

Here are some things that might help.
-10 minute walk will boost your mood for 2 hours.
-2 squares of dark chocolate at a minimum of 70% cocoa also give you a mood boost.
-listening to your favorite music, maybe a live show
-meditation
-eating your favorite foods
-laughter, watch a funny show or meet with friends you know you laugh with
-keep talking with people who understand the lifestyle that you feel safe with
-bubble baths with candles and your favorite scents
-draw, paint, write if you’re into art
-game if you’re a gamer

Talking with your husband in an open, honest, transparent manner is my advice. Sounds like you’ve been doing this. Don’t stop. Support him but not to your own detriment. It’s normal to have shame and guilt when first entering the BDSM lifestyle. It’s something many of us have had to adjust to. Please don’t beat yourself up over it.

To me it sounds like you’ve discovered a part of yourself that you didn’t know was there. After you’ve gone through the initial emotions, then you can think about it in a logical manner. Until the emotions and the possible sub drop is handled I wouldn’t advise making any big decisions. There are good people around here who will support you. I’d say keep leaning on them like this post. Both subs and D types will have different advice and support. Happy positive vibes to you in your journey.