Dominant headspace is scary; how do I change that?

Dominant headspace is scary; how do I change that?

Laili​(sub gender queer) • Jun 15, 2024

I have, what I consider, natural sub and caregiver tendencies until you push me, hurt someone I care about or similar and then I’m assertive, in control, know what I want, and what American society calls a “bitch”.

My spouse wants me to try out being a dominant and the few times I have successfully, it’s almost like a power trip. It scares me because I’m worried I might cross boundaries.

I know I should trust my spouse as my sub to know their limits and to safeword but I feel like I’m border lining on becoming abusive. That feeling is terrifying and I don’t know how to reconcile this overwhelming feeling of power when in that headspace as someone who has rarely had it in their day-to-day.

Im not good with big emotions and being overwhelmed. I have good coping skills but in a flawed person who is just trying to be a better person and see if I can enjoy this.

When I do it, I do feel empowered and weirdly very feminine. I say weirdly because I rarely feel just feminine or masculine. Usually I feel neither or both. I’ve been working on that aspect of myself for nearly three years. No one had ever asked me how I felt about my gender or sexuality until my spouse mentioned it one night.

I’m offtopic, I think. Any recommendations or reading materials would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

Sincorrigible​(sub female) • Jun 15, 2024

I hear you. I have been in a similar position.

My thoughts on this: if you know, and your partner knows, beyond any doubt, that you care deeply, and that anything you do comes from a place of love and wanting to give him what he wants, you can do a very great deal by channeling your inner bitch (heads up, we all have one!)

I found myself being asked to dominate, when I didn't really 'feel' that dominance. But as I experimented with things, and enjoyed the rush it gave me, I let go. Always always checking in and making sure I hadn't gone too far. I usually found that he would be saying 'more, more' or asking me to push, and my ultimate position was one of: 'if you want me to be in control, then I make the calls where we stop, and if that's before you want me to, then that's tough'. That gave me a huge rush, over and over, and he got off on that. It's like.... Having permission, and then playing. It's a learning curve as you explore what gets you off/gives you pleasure. As well as giving him what he wants.

Make sure you have a safe word, although I found it was rarely if ever used. Because I knew him so well. Over time it became beautifully sadistic with things that I liked, and he didn't. But he would suffer for me. Eg impact play, something I love to give and receive, but that he really didn't. But he endured it, and I never pushed beyond where I knew he could go. And there were things that I did for him, that really didn't do much for me, because he loved them, eg watersports.

The headspace can be terrifying, but if you're actively managing it, I think it can be exhilarating. And you can go places together you never knew you could. It can build trust and connection. 😊

In my case, it also enabled us to bring others into our relationship in an incredibly fulfilling and enriching way for all.

aradialspire​(dom femme) • Jun 16, 2024

>Im not good with big emotions and being overwhelmed. I have good coping skills but in a flawed person who is just trying to be a better person and see if I can enjoy this.

I love seeing a baby Domme stepping into their power, literally clapping right now.

It is very emotional, though, and it can be quite frightening to enter that space for the first time. I would ask how much planning we do before our scenes? What kind of aftercare are we giving ourselves after the scene? Domdrop is a real phenomenon and something to be mindful of.

I always say that power exchange is like taking a tiger for a walk; it's a dangerous and exhilarating experience, but we need to be mindful of the space we're creating and the space our minds inhabit.

Having a little script/plan ahead of time (that you can improvise from, of course) can ground you and keep you from going too wild. Once the scene ends, you need to cool off and return to earth. You're no longer that omnipresent deity dealing out righteous punishment; you're just you, drinking from a water bottle, wrapped up in a blanket.

Also, consider doing shorter scenes, maybe not try to take on full-force insanity right away if that's what you're doing. There is no need to erect the full pyramid your first time out! Build up to it, work your Dom bitch energy like a muscle, and flex it, see what you're comfortable with.

Limits with these things are tricky. You won't know what you are comfortable with until you hit them. Remember that just because your sub-partner is cool with something doesn't necessarily mean you need/have to/will be. These are all things that come with time!

Have fun! There's so much to explore here!

TopekaDom​(dom male) • Jun 16, 2024

"With Great Power, comes Great Responsibility"

(and I FUCKING hate stan lee)

When it comes to being a Dom/me, it is a case of shitting or getting off the pot. Either you do it or not ( to abuse cultural quotes).

If you are going to be a Dom/me, then you required to know what is abusive to that particular s type. You have to find out by communication and if you do cross the line, then you need to figure out what can be done to fix it.

MasterDomDok​(sadist male){you?} • Jun 16, 2024

I heard an interesting take on that headspce rush; "You can't tame a rushing river, so you have to learn to navigate it."

Discordant • Jun 16, 2024

You are God.

That’s it. While you are in control, you are God. You have ultimate power, but like God, you have to keep your eye on every sparrow.

You can’t solely count on your submissive using a safeword. He may be too far gone to use it. You have to know him. Take it slow. Build up to crazy things as you watch his reactions and get to know his limits. Talk afterwards about what was good or bad. Change it up as you go.

The power is heady, yes, but it’s only dangerous if you stop paying attention.

MasterDomDok​(sadist male){you?} • Jul 8, 2024

I also read a book that borderline applies: Nine and a Half weeks by a pseudonym. Very scary indeed, but gets right into the heart of the matter from the sub's side. I don't know if it will help you, but I found it entertaining, and scary.