| ArthursKnight(sub trans man) |
5 months ago •
Jun 15, 2024
General questions
I am not sure if it's the right forum but please correct me kind if not.
I am a trans man who doesn't want to get surgeries but eventually will get on T. How do you think the community in general treats people that make my choice? And how would you go out to start irl (or online, and both in safety), but making sure you don't get misgendered? I'm also "strong" in the theoretical parts of bdsm and sex but i have no actual experience in either. I would like to find people I can connect with in safety, ask questions to, etc. I know it's a lot of stuff, I guess... But I thought a general post was better overall. Thank you |
|
|
Online now
Laili(sub gender queer)
|
5 months ago •
Jun 15, 2024
From my experiences, I don’t see it being an issue. Disclosure would more than likely need to be done during negotiations unless physical access is limited or nudity is not on the table. I am not trans but from the few trans people I do know, it’s more about trusting the other person and being comfortable to disclose that aspect of yourself. Also, make sure to be totally honest about your limits. It’s ok to have one scene and then change your mind about a kink before the next scene. (Sorry if you know this already.)
Also, non-sexual bdsm situations are always an option to test out preferences and gain personal understandings of oneself. As for starting to meet people, on fetlife there do tend to be munches, or meetups, for different types of groups that might be an option depending on your area, usually in big cities, that might be a place to start. I know in the USA the Meetup app is good option to find likeminded people. See if there is something similar in Italy or where you live. All else fails, Reddit is the only other possible place I’m familiar with that could be helpful. And then dating apps, that can be hit or miss as well as deterring since majority want to find sexual partners or romantic relationship than friends or potential platonic play partners (hehe, alliterations are fun). |
|
|
Miki(masochist female)
|
5 months ago •
Jun 15, 2024
Not trans and cannot speak for the community, only my opinion.
You should be treated as anyone else in here, and it's more than likely that you will. As for the rest... Just what you did. You made a post describing yourself, your decisions and what you're looking to do as far as meeting others with helpful advice and perhaps experiences of their own, and how to go about doing it. Now, I have not seen very many trans people in here, either MTF or FTM, so while useful responses mightonly trickle in, don't be discouraged. |
|
|
aradialspire(dom femme)
|
5 months ago •
Jun 16, 2024
Re: General questions ArthursKnight wrote: I am not sure if it's the right forum but please correct me kind if not.
I am a trans man who doesn't want to get surgeries but eventually will get on T. How do you think the community in general treats people that make my choice? And how would you go out to start irl (or online, and both in safety), but making sure you don't get misgendered? I'm also "strong" in the theoretical parts of bdsm and sex but i have no actual experience in either. I would like to find people I can connect with in safety, ask questions to, etc. I know it's a lot of stuff, I guess... But I thought a general post was better overall. Thank you Surgeries aren't necessary to validate your identity, and whoever would push you to make modifications to your body that you're not comfortable with is not someone you want to be dealing with anyway. Some in the community will always have a problem with transpeople, no matter "how far along" in that journey you may be (i.e., if you're a man who hasn't undergone top surgery.) But this doesn't matter. What matters is being at peace with yourself. Plenty of cis-gendered people are out here having issues and need to mind their own business. Being misgendered can and will happen, but it will be okay! I promise you that if you accept that it will happen, do not internalize it, and do not let it invalidate your identity as a man, you will be much better off mentally. Take it in stride, accept that most people don't mean any malice by it, and if you correct them once (or maybe a few times, tops), they will internalize it and understand that you are a man and your pronouns are (whatever they are; I know they vary from person to person). Most people will start to feel really silly if everyone around keeps calling Johnathan a He/Him and they are still using She/Her pronouns. And if they keep misgendering you, fuck 'em. Into the hole they go. But you are a transman living here and now, you have been through worse shit, you will be okay. If you're pretty early into your transition, the safest way to introduce yourself to IRL groups is to contact the moderator/leader of that group or show up early and ask if they have little name tags or something so you can write your name and pronouns down. Some groups do the "pronoun circle" thing so no one feels awkward about explaining their pronouns if they don't exactly "match up" just yet, or maybe the group leader can introduce you and your pronouns. It can be a little hard at first, but most people in the kink scene are pretty accommodating, and the rude ones will keep their mouths shut, at least in-group, because they don't want to have to find somewhere else to do shibari. In my experience, the best place to learn and grow is IRL with trusted mentors—people you can watch and learn from. I wouldn't get too wrapped up in online stuff because a lot of people just get lost in fantasy holes. For one-on-one interactions, being honest about being trans is best because a lot of people have a visceral reaction to "feeling tricked into something." Nonsexual BDSM is always an option until you feel trust and safety with your partner, but with all this, a degree of openness and vulnerability is required. If you don't feel safe or trust someone, trust your gut and keep yourself safe. There's usually a reason we have that feeling! Funny story: from my own experience, I sometimes used to get messages from male submissives when I had DMs turned on. They would ask if "Femme" meant if I had an intact penis. "Are you like... a feminine woman? A feminine man? Do you have a dick?" I'd always ask why they wanted to know because they wanted me to fuck them with it lmao. People are so silly. You'll be okay <3 |
|
|
Discordant
|
5 months ago •
Jun 16, 2024
I wish I could tell you that the BDSM community is a safe space for you, but I can’t. It’s no worse than any other community, but it’s no better either.
There are small minded bigots wherever you go. Some people who are ok with getting pissed on will find some “moral objection” to you. It sucks, but it’s ok. There are also people who will accept you wherever you go. Tell the ones that object to you to fuck off and you live your life. On the second part of your post, I would suggest starting with a broad audience for your questions. Post in forums here and other places. Connect with local communities and ask groups. This way you usually get the answers people mean instead of answers tailored to some hidden agenda an individual may have. Then take what they tell you and keep what you like and discard what you don’t like. It’s your life and your relationships. Never forget that. |
|
|
| ArthursKnight(sub trans man) |
5 months ago •
Jun 17, 2024
Laili wrote: From my experiences, I don’t see it being an issue. Disclosure would more than likely need to be done during negotiations unless physical access is limited or nudity is not on the table. I am not trans but from the few trans people I do know, it’s more about trusting the other person and being comfortable to disclose that aspect of yourself. Also, make sure to be totally honest about your limits. It’s ok to have one scene and then change your mind about a kink before the next scene. (Sorry if you know this already.)
Also, non-sexual bdsm situations are always an option to test out preferences and gain personal understandings of oneself. As for starting to meet people, on fetlife there do tend to be munches, or meetups, for different types of groups that might be an option depending on your area, usually in big cities, that might be a place to start. I know in the USA the Meetup app is good option to find likeminded people. See if there is something similar in Italy or where you live. All else fails, Reddit is the only other possible place I’m familiar with that could be helpful. And then dating apps, that can be hit or miss as well as deterring since majority want to find sexual partners or romantic relationship than friends or potential platonic play partners (hehe, alliterations are fun). Thank you for your answer Yeah, disclosure would be a must I don't think I've ever seen munches here... Perhaps when I move to somewhere else this year I'll check out hoe it is over there. I'd love to be part of the irl community but I'm anxious lol |
|
|
| ArthursKnight(sub trans man) |
5 months ago •
Jun 17, 2024
Miki wrote: Not trans and cannot speak for the community, only my opinion.
You should be treated as anyone else in here, and it's more than likely that you will. As for the rest... Just what you did. You made a post describing yourself, your decisions and what you're looking to do as far as meeting others with helpful advice and perhaps experiences of their own, and how to go about doing it. Now, I have not seen very many trans people in here, either MTF or FTM, so while useful responses mightonly trickle in, don't be discouraged. Thank you for your kind answer I'll hopefully be more active here and get to know more people and be more familiar in general |
|
|
| ArthursKnight(sub trans man) |
5 months ago •
Jun 17, 2024
Re: General questions aradialspire wrote: ArthursKnight wrote: I am not sure if it's the right forum but please correct me kind if not.
I am a trans man who doesn't want to get surgeries but eventually will get on T. How do you think the community in general treats people that make my choice? And how would you go out to start irl (or online, and both in safety), but making sure you don't get misgendered? I'm also "strong" in the theoretical parts of bdsm and sex but i have no actual experience in either. I would like to find people I can connect with in safety, ask questions to, etc. I know it's a lot of stuff, I guess... But I thought a general post was better overall. Thank you Surgeries aren't necessary to validate your identity, and whoever would push you to make modifications to your body that you're not comfortable with is not someone you want to be dealing with anyway. Some in the community will always have a problem with transpeople, no matter "how far along" in that journey you may be (i.e., if you're a man who hasn't undergone top surgery.) But this doesn't matter. What matters is being at peace with yourself. Plenty of cis-gendered people are out here having issues and need to mind their own business. Being misgendered can and will happen, but it will be okay! I promise you that if you accept that it will happen, do not internalize it, and do not let it invalidate your identity as a man, you will be much better off mentally. Take it in stride, accept that most people don't mean any malice by it, and if you correct them once (or maybe a few times, tops), they will internalize it and understand that you are a man and your pronouns are (whatever they are; I know they vary from person to person). Most people will start to feel really silly if everyone around keeps calling Johnathan a He/Him and they are still using She/Her pronouns. And if they keep misgendering you, fuck 'em. Into the hole they go. But you are a transman living here and now, you have been through worse shit, you will be okay. If you're pretty early into your transition, the safest way to introduce yourself to IRL groups is to contact the moderator/leader of that group or show up early and ask if they have little name tags or something so you can write your name and pronouns down. Some groups do the "pronoun circle" thing so no one feels awkward about explaining their pronouns if they don't exactly "match up" just yet, or maybe the group leader can introduce you and your pronouns. It can be a little hard at first, but most people in the kink scene are pretty accommodating, and the rude ones will keep their mouths shut, at least in-group, because they don't want to have to find somewhere else to do shibari. In my experience, the best place to learn and grow is IRL with trusted mentors—people you can watch and learn from. I wouldn't get too wrapped up in online stuff because a lot of people just get lost in fantasy holes. For one-on-one interactions, being honest about being trans is best because a lot of people have a visceral reaction to "feeling tricked into something." Nonsexual BDSM is always an option until you feel trust and safety with your partner, but with all this, a degree of openness and vulnerability is required. If you don't feel safe or trust someone, trust your gut and keep yourself safe. There's usually a reason we have that feeling! Funny story: from my own experience, I sometimes used to get messages from male submissives when I had DMs turned on. They would ask if "Femme" meant if I had an intact penis. "Are you like... a feminine woman? A feminine man? Do you have a dick?" I'd always ask why they wanted to know because they wanted me to fuck them with it lmao. People are so silly. You'll be okay <3 Thank you Yeah, misgendering happens in my religious community too even though they don't mean to do so - they just slip. But I understand. I really hope I will be able to find an irl circle like that. Re - mentors, would you know how to find them? I know the cage here has some really good articles on different themes and that's what lead me to signing up for this site in the first place |
|
|
| ArthursKnight(sub trans man) |
5 months ago •
Jun 17, 2024
Discordant wrote: I wish I could tell you that the BDSM community is a safe space for you, but I can’t. It’s no worse than any other community, but it’s no better either.
There are small minded bigots wherever you go. Some people who are ok with getting pissed on will find some “moral objection” to you. It sucks, but it’s ok. There are also people who will accept you wherever you go. Tell the ones that object to you to fuck off and you live your life. On the second part of your post, I would suggest starting with a broad audience for your questions. Post in forums here and other places. Connect with local communities and ask groups. This way you usually get the answers people mean instead of answers tailored to some hidden agenda an individual may have. Then take what they tell you and keep what you like and discard what you don’t like. It’s your life and your relationships. Never forget that. Thank you Considering the kind and thoughtful responses I got here, I think I'll definitely use the forums on here more to get to know the community and people in it more. And I'll try to see something irl when I can |
|
|
simplylaura(sub female){djinni}
|
5 months ago •
Jun 18, 2024
Hi friend, welcome to the Cage
I echo what aradialspire said- she's pretty wise. I will caution you that there are some overt transphobes on this site, but they out themselves and you can just stay away from them. However, there are also a lot of queer and trans folks who just aren't the loud majority. I hang out almost exclusively with queer and trans kinksters, and am a part of a boys group despite being a cis woman (I identify as a boi) and our group has multiple trans men at various stages of transition. You'll definitely find your niche. I defintely recommend looking for an in-person community. I have no idea what the scene for queer and trans folx is like in Italy, but I do know that Europe does have a robust kink scene. Look for munches or for parties specifically for queer and trans people. You don't have to play and those are often good gateways to meet people. The best way to get started is to just keep asking questions. Don't worry about asking dumb questions or re-hashing old topics. I've been around the Leather scene for 20 years now and am still always learning. Hop into chat if that interests you (I met my rl dominant/wife in the chat room!). I'm glad you're here! |
|
|