Kylanna
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4 months ago •
Jul 13, 2024
Breaking Through Nerves
So...
I've always been VERY into the BDSM lifestyle. I've taken group classes, courses... Done lots of research and explored alot of my preferences. However - my partner; hasn't. They are a Domme/Top, Asexual Non-binary person. And we both have certain, traumas from past relationships. However - it's become apparent through play and discussion that my partner is holding back. Not only because they are less experienced, but because they don't want to scare me. How can I - as a sub.... Insure that they feel as safe in their space as I do? ADVICE? |
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Online now
vv V vv(sadist male)
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4 months ago •
Jul 13, 2024
Is it a lack of experience or confidence that they are holding back?
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Kylanna
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4 months ago •
Jul 13, 2024
I think both... And also our similar past traumas.
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House Talion(dom male)
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4 months ago •
Jul 13, 2024
Set yourself up for a session, do everything you can yourself, ask your partner for some help.
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Sweetlydepraved(masochist female){95%}
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4 months ago •
Jul 14, 2024
This doesn’t sound sexy but it’s not always about that, right? I think for a new Dominant he probably has to work through a great deal of fear. There is the fear of harming you, the fear of losing control of himself, the fear of mistakes, and so on.
When we’re dealing with fear, the first step is to acknowledge the fear, sometimes just naming it out loud can greatly lessen it. I think a great way to help him work through it (and I am making an assumption here that he’s afraid of hurting you, so I could be wrong) would be to create a post session evaluation form with questions that you two discuss together after the session (I recommend at least 5 hours after). The purpose of having the questions laid out is to keep you both on track during the discussion and it’s important that neither of you take the response as judgement, or anything negative. Think of it as scientific research! So, he could make his questions and you have yours. Maybe his would be “Did such and such hurt or feel good? Do you think you could take a higher level of such and such?” I would say try coming up with 5 questions each, but think carefully about them and make them relevant to things that might be holding you back, like one of mine would be fear of failure. Hope that makes sense! |
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Sweetlydepraved(masochist female){95%}
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4 months ago •
Jul 14, 2024
Sweetlydepraved wrote: This doesn’t sound sexy but it’s not always about that, right? I think for a new Dominant he probably has to work through a great deal of fear. There is the fear of harming you, the fear of losing control of himself, the fear of mistakes, and so on.
When we’re dealing with fear, the first step is to acknowledge the fear, sometimes just naming it out loud can greatly lessen it. I think a great way to help him work through it (and I am making an assumption here that he’s afraid of hurting you, so I could be wrong) would be to create a post session evaluation form with questions that you two discuss together after the session (I recommend at least 5 hours after). The purpose of having the questions laid out is to keep you both on track during the discussion and it’s important that neither of you take the response as judgement, or anything negative. Think of it as scientific research! So, he could make his questions and you have yours. Maybe his would be “Did such and such hurt or feel good? Do you think you could take a higher level of such and such?” I would say try coming up with 5 questions each, but think carefully about them and make them relevant to things that might be holding you back, like one of mine would be fear of failure. Hope that makes sense! I am so sorry, I didn’t realize this was in a specific forum and I assumed pronouns and gender. |
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Kylanna
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4 months ago •
Jul 15, 2024
Honestly this was so helpful! Thank you 🙏🏻
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MissBonnie(dom female){oz}
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4 months ago •
Jul 15, 2024
Re: Breaking Through Nerves Kylanna wrote: So...
I've always been VERY into the BDSM lifestyle. I've taken group classes, courses... Done lots of research and explored alot of my preferences. However - my partner; hasn't. They are a Domme/Top, Asexual Non-binary person. And we both have certain, traumas from past relationships. there are a lot of online "virtual" classes and courses now. Could his maybe help them ease into them? It gives them the option to just turn off the PC if its too much with trauma. no leaving home and comfortable clothes ETC. Its also removes the nerves of walking into classes or feeling judged for your skill set. Its starting point to build off? I was also going to say doing something like a "pain" or "enjoyment" scale might help them understand what they are doing to you, more. For example each action you rate 1 to 10. 10 being to much. Yes this can get annoying and throw off head space but you'd need to do it for a few scenes for your Partner to feel comfortable in their actions. Then also when the rating is removed from play, your Partner could use something like "check in" and you give a "rating" ....it just a little more wiggle room to a "safeword" or even "traffic light" set up. It wont take long for them to learn just how much force to use or how that position hurts, or just how much you love X but hate Y and Z. |
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