Is it weird to want a relationship first before diving into dynamics?

Is it weird to want a relationship first before diving into

Justsomechris​(sub male) • Aug 21, 2024

There's probably a million posts like this all across this site, but given my inexperience and knowing that the worst case scenario is my post getting deleted or ignored, I thought ''screw it, why not put it out there anyway?'' For the sake of making things clear, by "relationship", I mean friendships, romance, or other relations other than the dynamic.

I started actively pursuing this lifestyle around this time last year. I've looked on multiple sites and apps, trying to get an idea of what exactly I wanted out of a D/s relationship. I briefly found a domme that, while we were still in the discussion stage, made it very clear she had no intention of doing anything beyond play. And that's what really solidified my desires. Some might enjoy NSA, flings, owning others 24/7, or simply being play partners. I'm sure that there's plenty out there like me looking for the same things I desire, too.

But is it weird to want to know the person better before getting into it? To want to appreciate them for who they are, beyond the persona they might put on? For both of us to enjoy being around each other outside of play?

Re: Is it weird to want a relationship first before diving i

Heero​(dom male) • Aug 21, 2024

Welcome to THE CAGE and the lifestyle! I hope you find great fulfillment and fun here.

Indeed, there are a million posts like this and it seems to be a common general concern for those new to the scene, especially those of the sub persuasion. You want to serve and to please, so I get it, the opinion of another is very important to you. But the important distinction is, the opinion of "everyone" should NOT be important to you.

It's an alternative lifestyle. Everyone is here because they want something "weird". It is generally a pointless consideration.

Also, when it comes to dynamics, a general, overarching rule is that it be safe, sane, and consensual--the last one is super important and often forgotten. All parties to a dynamic should be in agreement of the terms of the dynamic. Every dynamic is unique and is what the participants make it. And every participant is allowed to have boundaries that the other participants must respect.

Do not worry about whether a certain desire of yours is "weird". If it's important, and you encounter someone not willing to fulfill that desire for you, they are not your person. Move on, find someone else (Do not get caught up in the scarcity mindset. There is definitely someone else.). There is too much risk and work involved in becoming a part of a counter-culture to go through all that trouble and not get what you want. If you want to care about what's "weird", stay vanilla. But if you're here, let those considerations go and go after what you desire. Find someone who can fulfill your desires for you, who in turn you can fulfill theirs.

Sincorrigible​(sub female) • Aug 21, 2024

^ Great advice

Not weird. You do you.

MissBonnie​(dom female){oz} • Aug 21, 2024

Not weird at all, many are ok with MissRightnow, some want MissRight. I'm a Domme that wanted more 26 years and counting. They are out there. You got some great advise off Heero.

Be true to YOU. Nothing is weird if the other person is consenting and happy.

Knightsundere​(sub male) • Aug 21, 2024

No, not at all, and sub to sub, I think outside of professional dominatrix's, that mentality is appreciated. Communities like here, where it's kind of already "known" what intentions are, you can honestly just skip discussing it entirely outside of clearing up expectations and limits (or for fun lol).

DoseofCam​(sub female){Collared} • Aug 21, 2024

Not weird, there's plenty of people who rather have a connection first before getting into a dynamic. I know a lot of people where a deep connection is actually required. Just got to find the right people.

I agree with posts above. You do You. If people don't like it Oh well their loss haha!

Steellover​(sub male) • Aug 22, 2024

I've tried the "Pay to Play" and (very long post made very short) it brought short-term thrills, but was ultimately unfulfilling in the long term.

So I would agree that for me (as well as for you) there does need to be some kind of personal connection, preferably a romantic one, in addition to the kinky one. It makes submitting to your partner so much more meaningful, and so much more satisfying in the end, if there is a genuine bond of romantic affection.