genderfication

intenseoldman​(dom male) • Aug 22, 2024

I don't know you, and there's not much to know from your profile, which is your inalienable right to remain as anonymous as you choose, as is it also your inalienable right to post whatever you choose in a public forum.

I assume you're a passionate person who takes offense to any harm you feel has been inflicted on an innocent victim. I might be wrong but that is what I perceive from your comment.

What puzzles me is that you say "If her posts are out of place that is for admin to deal with not you and your henchman" Then you attack whom you judge to be the attacker of an innocent victim. I'm not saying you should or have to do anything. You're free to take any action you want. I'm just puzzled why you would attack someone for what you deem to be an "out of place post" after declaring "that is for admin to deal with". Why don't you just report her to admin instead of going against your own words?

I understand you have strong feelings about this or you wouldn't have commented. I just think that somehow you could have channeled those strong feelings into a less incendiary comment.

What good does your comment serve? You've attacked and tried to hurt another person whom you feel has attacked and hurt another person. Where does it end?

Does another person come and attack me now for what they perceive to be an attack on you?

Like I said, I don't know you, but somehow I believe you're a better person than this post, so why not be a better person than the ones launching attacks at each other?

Solace​(dom male) • Aug 22, 2024

I would agree with intenseoldman. It is a wonderful thing to bring passion to a discussion but please try to keep the discussion respectful. This is an important topic to some and they would like to keep the space open for discussion.

lambsone • Aug 23, 2024

I have been quietly reading and digesting all of these responses as well as those of the companion thread on going forward and I will be posting my personal conclusions and what I have decided to promise the cage members that I plan to take action on and why, in the going forward thread. So if you are interested in knowing that info it should be posted by the end of today Fri. 8-23.

But I must clear up something said in this forum thread discussion that is false, and because the statement was made in public it has to be addressed in public to clear it up.

"Sweetlydepraved wrote:
"I would also suggest you go look at the post “Genderization Going Forward” and tell me who wasn’t civilized there. I’d also like for you to tell us who tried to make an effort to thoughtfully respond and who directed people back here because she didn’t get the response she wanted."

So you stated that I directed people back to this thread because I didn't get the responses I wanted in the other one. That is false. The statement I made follows:

"*** Please note that since this post is a companion post to the genderification original post, there are some answers expressed by additional posters over there that aren't expressed here. So to get the full perspective be sure to read both posts. ***"

What part of inviting people to get the full perspective by reading both posts suggests to you that I didn't like the answers I was getting in the thread I started, so I sent people to the other one?

I was trying to let people know that there were additional solutions in the other thread and not all of them appeared in mine. My post specifically targets solutions for going forward. But there are a lot of additional solutions in the first thread, they are just woven into the greater discussion and thus harder to find, but they do exist.

I see several problems created by your statement:
- my character was falsely portrayed as being disgruntled and unsatisfied with the responses I was getting.
- this was an assumption not an actual fact. I had not even made comments regarding what folks posted in my thread yet. I was still giving folks a chance to respond while thinking about what had been said in both threads. So you should not have made this assumption.
- I directed people before I posted my personal comments on my thread because, I started to realize that folks were coming up with solutions in the original thread and didn't want anyone to miss those who were interested in following the discussion.

So I took a minute to mention it before I took time to organize my responses and form my own opinion regarding going forward, and what I would be committed to doing. I didn't know how long it would take to formulate an accurate assessment of my thoughts and future actions so I put that quick response ahead of my committment response.
- Has it not been suggested multiple times that if we get an impression from a poster's words, then we should ask them if our impression is what they actually mean before we make assumptions and consequently implicate them of doing/saying something that might not be true? You did not address your assumption in the going forward thread before making a statement in this one.
- Several times I stated that my thread was a companion post to the original one. They could and perhaps should be taken into consideration together for the full story. Both threads have valuable info in them. But it's up to the individual to make that decision for themselves as to whether they want to read both. My thread though is just an extension of the other, but some folks who are freshly coming into the discussion might not know that.

"Reaching out privately for months."

People have been sharing their perspective, opinions, expectations, reasons, and how they do things, with me all along in my posts. 10 posts to be exact. I have also attempted to share why I posted what I did.

Just because you share these things does not necessarily create an edict for me or anyone else to follow. I have my own thoughts, perspectives, reasons also. I don't recall those being validated either by those who have issues with me. None of you have tried to adjust to my expectations and the same of anyone like me. Yet you expect me to adjust to yours.

Anyone who has been afraid to post to my threads, or traumatized for whatever reasons has not come to me privately to discuss it. I'm talking about anyone who falls into the categories you shared of people you typically work with in their adult forms. I don't recall anyone stating in my threads that my expectations for responses to my posts have traumatized them specifically.

What I have seen are people speaking up for the cage members who they think might be traumatized. But I have not heard from the individuals themselves of which you speak. Unless it is one of the few women who have been trying to influence me to your way of thinking and posting and you think I will understand that you are also speaking of yourselves. So unless those come forward, we won't know if the problem specifically here at the cage is as acute as you may think it is.

I only recall 2 women coming to me privately. One sent a short message and it was full of words lambasting me. This was a person who I had helped to encourage and support in her hour of need a few months earlier. This is how I was repaid for my kindness.

The other was sincere and though at the time it was partly positive, but it also restated what she had already said in the forum. I felt that she was excessively driving the point home. I didn't respond to either one since no one was considering my view anyway. Since then the second one and I have had good communication and I hope we are on good footing now.

One last thing. The fact that you mentioned that folks were private messenging me about these issues, is a breach of privacy. Private messenging is supposed to be private but you have taken it upon yourself to expose this in my case to the entire cage community. No you didn't share the details of the messages if you know them and you shouldn't know them, but the fact that you mentioned members messenging me in the context of the discussion going on, was enough for people to draw conclusions as to why. That further creates a bad impression in others on my character.

I think you may be surprised at my future post in the going forward thread. If you had been a little more patient all of this could have been avoided.

Sweetlydepraved​(masochist female){I Guess } • Aug 23, 2024

That’s a pretty valid point. I apologize for getting personal after you did. I don’t typically allow my emotions to become involved, but we’re all humans doing human things. I did make the assumption and I typically make efforts not to do that, but it happens. I apologize for that.

lambsone • Aug 23, 2024

Thank you Sweetlydepraved. No hard feelings.

Miss Anima​(dom female) • Aug 23, 2024

I matched the engery given with less words.
Guess I hurt your feelings too.

Miss Anima​(dom female) • Aug 23, 2024

I'm not sure I saw you say the same thing to those who couldnt just scroll past her posts ?
If everyone does BDSM differently and you want Inclusiveness
What would happen if the Gorean and Female supremacist showed up and started posting on thecage what would you all do then?

Anyways I saw her posts as her life experiences nothing more than that ..

Solace​(dom male) • Aug 23, 2024

Frankly I would let them. The Cage was in my mind a space for all groups. Naturally some groups share opposing or frictional ideologies, therefore the space can when taken as a whole be inclusive but "rooms" or sub sections of the space may not be. Female supremacists would be welcome here in that aspect, and I believe there have been and maybe still are a few Domme's with that mindset currently in this community.

Aside from would I welcome that demographic I'm not certain what you mean to say by your informal quote of my previous writing. Do you mean to imply or directly state a hypocritical or self contrary action of myself? If so, it seems we have misunderstood each other. That post was intended to highlight the need for recognizing a space is not for oneself. For example, when said Domme's might like to open a forum post about female supremacy. Or when someone wishes to engage in crass story swapping and fantasizing but the reader finds the act distasteful.

I am not advocating for a lack of robust discussion as is the case here where I and another are requesting and trying appeal for a level of formality/decorum so a topic may properly advance.

Heero​(dom male) • Aug 23, 2024

I did not want to jump back into the thread this way. I've been seeing some of the very things I was talking about play out in this very thread. Things I asked people to reflect on before posting. I didn't say anything because I didn't want to give off too much "I told you so! See what I mean?!" energy, because it really would not be my intention.

However, this comment speaks about an angle I didn't directly address, I don't think. But I think it is a very important angle, and I have had personal experience with it.

=======================
Story time:
I used to be a teacher, and the subjects that I taught were considered "hard". That, and my natural personality, made me want to be more light hearted when teaching. I cared deeply about my students and got along well with them and in my class we were all on a first name basis.

I love teaching, but during my time as a teacher, I've had to endure some really unfair things from the students and administration. In particular, there was a time I was called in, and it was a disciplinary action meeting (it could go as far as me getting fired), I wasn't even told what it was, I was blindsided. And to me and those I spoke to about it, it was more of a witch hunt than a disciplinary meeting, but I digress.

A student had made a formal complaint about me on behalf of another student. It was scathing and horrible to the point HR thought they had to intervene the way they did. I was accused of being very horrible to a student, showing discrimination and insensitivity to their disability among other things, and the university had a zero-tolerance policy against that.

The name wasn't mentioned, but it was a relatively small class and I had only one student with a disability, so I know who they were talking about (it would not be true to say those things about me in relation to any of my students, but I knew the one they were talking about). And that student and I got along great! It is hard to imagine how much farther the reality could be from the text of the complaint, but there was an enormous gulf between the two.

It was one of the few students who would consistently come to my office hours throughout that entire semester. We'd work on problems, I'd give advice, we'd shoot the shit. We learned a lot about each others lives. We got along awesomely. We got along awesomely even after the class. It was clear to me that that student had no issue with me (I never told them about the incident, I didn't want it on their conscience). Now I would never be discriminatory against any of my students, but the fact that this thing happened regarding THIS student in particular was very heartbreaking, traumatic, soul-wrenching, and telling. And it probably has something to do with me not remembering teaching as fondly as I think I would otherwise. I didn't get fired, but when I decided to quit teaching to go back to grad school, I was a bit happier to leave my students than I wanted to be. And this incident had a significant part in that. I was portrayed to be a monster that was the very opposite of my nature. And it was put in writing, in official reports, and in front of a panel looking at me like I was some sort of debased, evil creature. The accusations levied against me on behalf of another, that wasn't even aware of the situation, was the reality in their minds, when it was really anything but reality. That incident changed me.
=======================

In your zeal to do what's right, be careful of (unduly) becoming offended on behalf of others. You can really hurt good people by doing that. It is another situation where you cause trauma while trying to fight against trauma. If you're going to stand up to someone in a way that could really hurt them, their public reputation, their family, their livelihood, their sense of self, anything, be SURE that you're in the right!

The people who discriminate and aggress against others SHOULD be stood up to, and their victims SHOULD be defended. But be careful just assuming that that is what is occurring when you really don't know all the facts to begin with and there are perfectly good alternative explanations available.

Someone posts something you don't like, start with giving them the benefit of the doubt. Start by understanding that that person isn't you. They have different likes, different sensibilities, different values, they led a different life, had different experiences, and that does not make them automatically a bad, trauma-causing person. You're judging an entire human being by a few sentences on a screen, whose mind works differently from yours, so misunderstanding is always going to be a distinct possibility.

It is not always the case, but many times we're triggered not by what the person does, but by something going on within ourselves. Read what they wrote carefully and you can ask them to clarify, maybe privately, about what they mean. Show them the grace you'd want shown to you if you were misunderstood. If you're going to write something scathing, or stand up for justice or the vulnerable, pause for a moment and really think if that is needed beyond reasonable doubt.

I have said this before and I'll say it again, the real assholes cannot help but reveal themselves eventually. And even if they're super good at hiding it, the consequences of their asshole-ness will be revealed also. You can identify a tree by its fruits, as the saying goes. There are better ways to defend victims (supposed or otherwise) than to immediately just assume someone is a villain and go through the motions of standing up to them. Do not let your good intentions become an instrument of bad outcomes.

intenseoldman​(dom male) • Aug 23, 2024

No, not at all... my feelings are for you and what hurt you.