Rules

Solace​(dom male) • Nov 2, 2024

You may be correct, I may be alone in this. It could be time for me to bugger off and seek a space that more suits my personal wants and desires. The feed back I'm getting though isn't that there is no problem, its that people don't want to try and fix it. They're content with a leaky roof.

I would also be surprised to learn if I was that alone on this. Does no one else want more involved discussions about the lifestyle? Really no one else is at least a little bothered when their forum gets shut down or a topic they find interesting gets cut? I would go as far to posit the forums are often dead because nothing of real value can be exchanged without a typical set of people coming in and ruining it for the community. A punishment exists to stop bad behavior (locking forums), but it isn't stopping the behavior its stopping conversation.

There is almost nothing to lose by enabling a filter for blogs by popularity and putting more moderation in the hands of posters. People who want to use the blogs for new content can have that set as the default and they would never know the difference. Or something. Anything.A whole new set of pages for these types of discourse.

However it appears we have reached the point were I am recycling and rehashing points. I am opposed with someone(s) who fundamentally disagrees and neither of us have the evidence or have offered it as to what would move the discussion in one side or the others favor. Thus I imagine I am done with this topic, though appreciate everyone else's engagement.

lambsone • Nov 2, 2024

@ Solace

"I would also be surprised to learn if I was that alone on this. Does no one else want more involved discussions about the lifestyle?"

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Please define what you believe to be a more involved discussion about the lifestyle so that we can understand better about the type of discussions you believe are more in depth and valuable.

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"Really no one else is at least a little bothered when their forum gets shut down or a topic they find interesting gets cut?"

I am. 10 of my forum posts were taken over and sent spiraling in other directions that were not helpful to an answer to my original question. And as you know, when I innocently tried to bring the discussion back on track, several people got highly offended, and all hell broke loose every single time.

It was always the same people who dive bombed the discussions. Apparently I'm the only one at the cage who in innocently trying to seek answers for the lifestyle I want to learn about, is not allowed to seek those answers so that I can become informed as much as another person for their own lifestyle choice.

And so I have been forced to comply with writing generic posts, that won't offend anyone of any lifestyle, just so everyone can have a civil discussion and never get their feelings hurt. I chose to sacrifice my own specific need for the greater good of the community. I see and understand the greater community's need now.

At 72, my life is winding down, and it is far more important that younger people have their needs met. I've lived my life and probably will never find someone who I can share it with. Younger people have so much more living to do, and their needs are far more important and significant than mine at this point in time. I am not whining or being sarcastic. I'm just recognizing that I truly don't have as great a need than others do here.

I choose now to post gender neutral topics and then take my hands off of the post and let the greater community take the discussion where they want, even if it doesn't pertain to me. I quite like the absence of conflict as a result.

I've been single all of my life and lived in certain types of lifestyle communities where the discussion of any sexual nature was to be avoided and private. So it doesn't really bother me if my sexual needs aren't met. It's what I'm used to from years of conditioning.

It's also highly unlikely that I will ever need answers to hetero questions at the rate I'm going. But the rest of you, have freedoms that I don't have, and therefore you have the greater need. I recognize that. It is what it is.

And don't anyone start blabbering words of sympathy and encouragement at me, because I don't need them. I'm not trying to act like a victim here, I'm just trying to explain my own personal perspective, not garner sympathy. I'm a big girl and I accept what my life is. And I don't have the emotional energy anymore to make it something different for myself.

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"I would go as far to posit the forums are often dead because nothing of real value can be exchanged without a typical set of people coming in and ruining it for the community. A punishment exists to stop bad behavior (locking forums), but it isn't stopping the behavior its stopping conversation."

Good point and interesting perspective. Again I would ask what a discussion of real value would look like to you?

If you try to go somewhere else in hopes of finding a better place to have discussions of the value you seek, will you really find them? I hope you do, but I will personally miss your input here as I miss those others who either choose to remain silent now or have left the cage without saying goodbye.

dollMaker​(dom male) • Nov 2, 2024

As one of the voices folks are pointing at, accusing of derailing forum threads, do you not see the hypocrisy in what you are asking for. You want your words and ideas given space in which no one can challenge them? How is that healthy? Its not, particularly when some think attacking minority groups, questioning their right to exist be, never mind out and out misinformation is being discussed on here - so that should just go on unchallenged?. So there is no room to offer a challenge to that? You want people like myself, and others who regularly offer more informed views to what, shut up, go away and allow hatred free reign.

The threads that I can think of that were strongly and robustly challenged were those types, threads created to discuss people's gender choices, being trans, or racism in bdsm communities and play spaces. So those just get given a by ball, allowed to run their course, in what the interest of freedom of speach? And not challenged. Got to say that is how this thread is reading - please let us discuss our vile, uninformed, ignorant, hate filled views without those being challenged. So one group wanting another to go away and say nothing, limiting what can be said. Seriously? Its what you are accusing people like me of doing - hypocrisy much.

I think it disgraceful that all of this came out of a thread -now closed, and no I did not report it- seeking to discuss larger women, in away that sought to demean them, view them as a statistic, a fetish - not human beings. Do you really think that's got educational merit, re the lifestyle, to discuss over-eating as a pleasure source, to do statistics on how many women on here overeat - identify as bbw? Seriously, that is the hill you want to die on regarding what is amazingly, wonderful, highly educational bdsm/lifestyle content - something you want the sites rules adjusted to protect? Really? Its deeply sad to me, that so few people saw how deeply troubling that thread was, or indeed in the past how other threads were started just in the interest of asking inappropriate things, all innocently......

I thought this place had hit some lows before, but this is a new one.

Nightshade Ophelia​(sub female) • Nov 2, 2024

I don't think moderation is punishing an OP, if the OP asked a potentially harmful question or is not asking a question in good faith. Some topics need to be handled with sensitivity because you never what a person may be struggling with behind the screen.

For example, the recent BBW conversation.

There are plenty of women on this platform who speak about their journey with their body, including weight loss and it is empowering. However, when someone asks "How many BBWs are there and how do Doms feel about this?", it is a slippery slope to a dehumanizing conversation. It also feels like those women are being singled out and women already face daily scrutiny of their bodies regardless of their size. It's everywhere, it's family and friends monitoring your body for you or the media constantly commenting on women's bodies. These conversations have real repercussions when not handled properly, you never know when someone is struggling with mental health or an ED. Also, why does a person's existence need to be validated by another group of people? If you don't like a person, just leave them alone.

It's not just the BBW conversation but this can be applied to any topic that has historically been used to ostracise a group of people. Nobody is saying we can't talk about certain topics but we need to be able to place ourselves in another person's shoes.

Also, if one's intention is to genuinely raise their social awareness, then they would accept when someone points out that a topic is being approached in a harmful way. There would be no defensiveness.

TwinkleEyes{N/A} • Nov 2, 2024

I find that many people police themselves on the forums. There are a few who do not. I have never once in over 8 years been “grounded” by the moderators here in the forums. I myself choose to do it when I see myself getting emotional and acting inappropriately. Only once did my blog get taken down and it is because I violated the rules by naming someone. That was years ago.

The reason I have loved this community in the past and keep coming back is because it is an actual community. We all have different ideas of kink, sex, rules for forums, maturity levels, experience, and so on. The moderators and creators of this website allow the community as a whole to guide where the community goes in subtle ways within the rules. One would need to have been here since the beginning to understand, possibly.

An example is that recently in the past year mental illness was able to be discussed openly without the forum post being taken down. Females were once chastised for speaking up in the chat without consent to do so from “D” types (males specifically). This place does and will continue to grow with its members and society views.

If someone starts telling me what to do or to go and open another forum feed I get feisty. I have given NO one consent to have power over me here. Only the owners/moderators of this website get to tell us as individuals what we can and can’t say in a forum post. That is what blogs are for. Personal spaces to control as we see fit.

I also have and will call out 🚩 for the safety of the members here. I’ve brought several dozen people here over the years. They are my friends, coworkers, past partners, and family members. The gender specific stuff I called out is because it stopped talk from many individuals in the forum. This included from sissies, cis born males who like their ass played with, cis born females wanting to sport strapon, and so on. Because what people don’t understand is that gender specific questions affect heterosexual individuals who like what many call gender specific sexual acts to stop talking in fear of being judged as well.

People are going to be called out on their bollocks in a forum. Forums are public spaces… So pull up your adult undies and deal with it. Life isn’t fair. If individuals can’t deal with criticism (constructive or otherwise) or about others having passionate thoughts/feelings about controversial subjects then this is a place they won’t survive. BDSM isn’t for the faint of heart.

Topeka is right us living in the USA need get real with ourselves. Our idea on civility (just a façade given we are all animals) is not that of others worldwide.

I get it though, Solice. There was the feed about ass play months ago. I wanted more of it. And a bunch of individuals started making fun of the OP for asking questions. The feed got shut down. I was very very disappointed. The reality is humans are not civilized animals. If we were then BDSM wouldn’t exist….

I like this place for how it is. If individuals decide to be in the shallow pond and make fun of others, yuck on their kink, judge, act like asshats… they are the ones that have to live with themselves. That’s got to be tough.

I also feel that the blogs shouldn’t be based in order of individuals who get the most likes and comments. Too many attention whores in the world these days drowning out others. That will be the beginning of this place turning into that FB kink site. 🤮 If individuals want to see certain blogs put them in your list and hide the ones you don’t like.

For myself I apologize in public and in private messages when I act like an asshat. Members of this community have taught me that consent goes far beyond that of sex/kink. My hope is that like myself that others can learn from their mistakes and act more grown up as well. We are all human and make mistakes.

Solace​(dom male) • Nov 2, 2024

These are all good talking points but there's a lot to answer to. I'd like to disengage as I feel I've already beaten this dead horse with a few members here, but it also feels rude to not respond to others who appear to have directed statements or questions to me. I'll respond in chunks to make it more tractable, and I may miss something since there is a lot. Feel free to press me on something if you feel I've missed it.

Solace​(dom male) • Nov 2, 2024

Starting with lambsone, I'm not particularly interested in creating an exhaustive list of what would be interesting topics I feel I'm missing out on. That seems an unfair standard to uphold on the spot. Nor is this about reclaiming some conversation I feel have been stolen. To give an example though I do feel that the BBW had a chance become something interesting and there were others in the past. Its a know it as you see it sort of thing and I expect it to be different for everyone.

Solace​(dom male) • Nov 2, 2024

dollmaker, I encourage you reread what the conversation that's happened. Critically and with less of your own lens which appears to very thick. You seem to be inserting words and arguments into my own that I simply have not communicated nor in any way desire. I am actually advocating for more robust exchanging of ideas, and that includes contrasting opinions such as what you yourself have offered in the past. You seem very upset about the idea of your words not being heard. Despite me frankly having little affection for you, I am upset at the possibility of your potentially very valid points not being heard. That's the whole point of this thread. Trying to find some middle ground for these exchanges to occur.

The premise of my argument which it appears I have no communicated efficiently for you is that there exists a punishment, and it is ineffective. It should either be made effective or removed so the forums can sort themselves out with these robust exchanges, or moved to space where others can moderate them. Spaces which already exist such as the blogs, but I advocate that if that is the path then some change should be made so the conversations are less ephemeral and more community driven like the forums. People are very hung up on the blogs becoming a popularity contest, but they are already in a way just that and so are certain forum posts.

You're welcome to feel that I am new muddy low for this community, as I often have the same take with your viewpoints. But neither of our opinions matter, just because we don't enjoy the turn of a conversation doesn't mean it isn't valuable to another group of people or even our own in ways we do not expect. You may not like it, but real diversity is being in proximity to new experiences including what you may and may not enjoy. The trick is being tolerant enough to exist near them, and brave enough to face them when they make you uncomfortable. I think more of your points will be addressed in my reply to Nightshade Ophelia. My respectful apologies for the girth of this text.

Solace​(dom male) • Nov 2, 2024

Nightshade Ophelia, you and I have fundamentally different views on this. I don't believe its possible to ask a harmful question. Rather I think its more harmful to not ask questions. You used the BBW conversation for you example so I will to.

Lets say the question gets asked, as it was. A lot of positives could have come from that discussion, an pouring of love for BBW's, insights in how to better involve and accommodate them in the community through their stories, or even interesting philosophical nuances to how some of them may relate being a BBW and BDSM in unexpected ways. To an extent this is even what happened on that thread.

Or you can get the negatives, like an overwhelming majority of men voicing they are not a fan or even find BBW's distasteful. No, not our preferred outcome. But essential feedback. These moments are critical opportunities to nudge the needle towards acceptance a little more with the right dialog. Otherwise, these conversation happen in echo chambers behind closed doors. And more likely the needle goes the other way. Aside from the missed opportunity to encourage more acceptance, its valuable feedback for the BBW's. An out right opportunity to realize ahead of time who to not romanticize instead of finding out in more involved means. Or perhpas an opportunity to understand why so many men prefer that, or to what degree. Its easy to say that is a learned lesson for BBW's but everyone has to learn that lesson at some point and there's new amazing people every day.

There's real repercussion to having these conversations to the same extent as not having them. We don't really get to decide how it helps or hurts someone. Someone who really has no love for a group of people might suddenly be moved and upset by how little they see. You're that we can't know if someone is mentally unstable but we also aren't responsible for that because we can't control what might be someone's trigger. And while I agree its important to avoid these things, the truth is society including yourself only selectively care about who we protect in this way. For example, I don't think dollmaker really cared or considered my mental health when he called my forum post a new low for the community. I don't expect anyone will call him out for that either. Nor do I want them to, I think most days I am mostly stable.

On a closing note no one is validating anyone else's existence. Quite frankly because they don't have the power to. Thats up to us as individuals or the very special people we give that power to.

Solace​(dom male) • Nov 2, 2024

I've had long robust exchanges with TwinkleEyes. Despite butting heads with her on occasion I have been surprised and incredibly pleased to see how much I agree with her. I'm happy to had the honor of long discussions with her. I mostly agree here as well, though I encourage her to review her opinion of me frequently until she submits a truly fair and honest one about what an ass I actually am. Joking aside, I hold her as a prime example of someone with differing and opposing views I have been nothing but delighted to speak with.

A treasure for me that I hope others find and one I would not have if not for the community accepting our own more robust exchanges. I hope others can take this as an example that disagreeing with someone doesn't mean you can't get along well with them. We seem to divide ourselves too easily and too permanently these days.