Struggling with accountability as a single sub

B L O N D I E(sub female)

2 weeks ago • Dec 2, 2024

Struggling with accountability as a single sub

2 weeks ago • Dec 2, 2024

So I'm sure a lot of single subs can relate to this. I'm struggling with holding myself accountable and staying on task with everything I have to do. Having a dominant tell me what to do makes it so much easier, but since I don't have one, I'm out of luck.

The problem is that the person has to have the authority to tell me what to do--which vastly reduces the pool of suitable available counterparts. If a dominant is authoritative and of good character enough to boss me around, then he's qualified to be my dominant for real, not just as an accountability partner. And if he isn't authoritative and of good character enough to be my real dominant in every other area, then he isn't qualified to be my accountability partner, either, is he?

So it's a vicious circle. Am I looking for a dominant or an accountability partner, because what I really need is both.

Who can relate?

The most loved post in topic

LoveandDevotion(sub female){Looking}	LoveandDevotion(sub female){Looking} 2 weeks ago • Dec 3, 2024 2 weeks ago • Dec 3, 2024 LoveandDevotion(sub female){Looking} • Dec 3, 2024 I can relate but I haven't really even considered an accountability party. Just acknowledging I do SO much better at life when I'm owned and hoping I find my Master.

Scarlett Sophie(sub female)

2 weeks ago • Dec 3, 2024

Ugh. This is deeply relatable.

It’s why I find myself so drawn to the idea of polyamory - can one individual truly fill all the roles in another’s life, and vice versa? That just feels so unrealistic to me, like it’s this romanticized ideal of what a partnership should be, pushed on us by media and social norms.

I just don’t know.

But one thing that’s for certain - when I have dominant in my life, getting any ordered tasks done becomes a treat as opposed to a chore. I don’t feel this as codependence, rather a space where my submission and servitude can thrive and blossom. It’s a mutually beneficial beautiful partnership and fuck if that isn’t sexy and refreshing.

Thanks for getting the convo started

lambsone

2 weeks ago • Dec 3, 2024

It comes down to personal discipline. It's part of being a responsible adult. If we are responsible in other areas of our lives such as on a job, why not apply that same sense of responsibility to our personal lives as well? Be your own boss and expect yourself to get the job done, whatever it is for you. And give yourself a reward when it's accomplished just like receiving a paycheck.

None of us can afford to sit around and wait for someone else to control our lives for us. This idea in this lifestyle of relying on a Dominant to take care of us, robs us of the opportunity of personal growth in our minds, our wills, our decision making skills, and just the ability to survive and thrive. It also robs us of the personal satisfaction when we accomplish our goals. I've been there and it's not pretty.

In comparison, not having a Dominant is just an excuse to avoid responsibility. If you need an accountability partner, get one. It can be anyone who you know cares for you and wants to see you excell in your life. Not that they can force you to do anything but they can be on your team and root for you to spir you on along the way. And do it right away if you are truly concerned with getting things in your life accomplished.

Let's call this what it really is. We want a partner who will be there for us as we are for them. It would be lovely to have that, but that doesn't always work out. And until it does, you must deal with your own life and all that concerns it.

I'm 72 and have never had a long term partner. Most of the ones I've had have been those that I ended up taking care of and going out of my way for. I can honestly say that not one of them truly cared for me and my needs. Those good type of partners are hard to find.

If we don't discipline ourselves then our lives will quickly take on the pattern of a run away train. And that only ends up in a wreck. No adult actually "needs" a spanking or any other form of punishment, when we don't get something done. The shambles of our lives should make us disgusted enough to build a better future for ourselves, and to take the positive steps to do so.

We all need to put our big girl panties on and face life full on, including me. If you end up with a good partner, then all the better. But in the meantime, getting your tasks accomplished is dependent solely on YOU. Take the bull by the horns and achieve your goals.

lambsone

2 weeks ago • Dec 4, 2024

I'm sorry B L O N D I E for disrupting your topic.

Just to clarify:

If some of you who wanted to contribute to this thread have been put off by my honesty, please know that I am the biggest offender here of not taking personal responsibility. At times I've had to be ruthless with myself.

So if you think I'm criticizing a need that you think you have which really boils down to a longing for a relationship with a good Dominant who wants to see you improve yourself because he/she cherishes you, I'm not. Not disciplining one's self can lead to all kinds of problems in practical everyday life as well as mental and physical health. It can rob a person of peace of mind.

So no I'm not criticizing anyone's desires. Just being honest about the situation.

I am done now responding to this thread. I PROMISE not to say anything more no matter what folks want to share, even if you address me specifically. I have a sneaky feeling that folks have stopped contributing to this thread because you are afraid that you may get a negative response. So please put your fears behind you and share freely.

LoveandDevotion(sub female){Looking}

2 weeks ago • Dec 4, 2024

You caught me in a rare mood to engage in dramatics, I guess.

I did read your initial reply, lambsone, and roll my eyes and decide it wasn't worth replying to you on this thread.
I think our society, especially America but also similar cultures, are sickly delusional about self sufficiency. I think it is probably because of Cold War propaganda mixed with the mindset of earlier pioneers who were the only people for miles so they needed to be able to handle 90% of their problems themselves. But pioneers also died a lot. And the Soviet Union fell before I joined kindergarten so I'm literally like the oldest you can be having not grown up under the Cold War shadow. But I have lived in the east (India) and the US and so I've lived in both hyper individualistic and collectivist societies and truthfully, neither is great: health lies in the middle.

Human beings were made to be cooperative. I remember reading about an anthropologist being asked what is the earliest evidence of civilization that was unearthed and she answered "a healed femur." Because a human being with a broken femur is helpless and is only going to survive if they're taken care of by others. Technology, literature, art, basically every advancement in the history of history is because humans learned from humans. I could go on, but I think I made my point.

Human beings were also created to be part of a family. And we still are, but advancements have often spread our families thin. Often geographically, but also time and energy wise. Every adult running their own household instead of sharing one is a waste of resources, but often necessary when we have to move hundreds of miles apart.

I am a single mom. My ex husband cheated on me with the woman he is now married to. I have two kids and I have ADHD. I am struggling. This is not a failure of me to "pull myself up by my bootstraps". It is because while one adult CAN raise kids, it is not ideal and not how we were wired. It is basically emergency protocol. I'm supposed to have a spouse, maybe a mother or sister to lean on in day to day operations. That is the normal ways of things for centuries. But primarily for financial reasons my family is scattered around America and my ex husband is a deadbeat who isn't paying child support.

Pulling yourself up by your bootstraps, btw, means the exact opposite of how people use it now. It originally was an expression to show the absolute absurdity of asking someone who is struggling to be self reliant. Your bootstraps are on your boots, presumably on your feet, on the ground. How do you pull yourself *up* by them? It was meant to be dismissive and derisive of selfish ideologies that expect the struggling to assist themselves when society and ethical people should step in. It is something to remember if you ever hear someone using the phrase un-ironically: oh, this person is socially unhealthy.

Anyway, none of the above is to make you feel sorry for me, for yourself, or to say I need any of your help. It is to say the ability to look at ones circumstances and even personality and say "I need help here" is an incredibly healthy and productive thing. Western culture's demonization of this is a very new and very anti-social development. And I know you and I are both Christian's, lambsone, so I would also appeal that is incredibly un-Christlike. The fact that people need help and need each other (read John 17, my favorite chapter of the Bible, and maybe the first few chapters of Acts to show how people change when they are actually living in the Spirit too) is very fundamental and core theology to believing in Jesus.

Now, taking it back to BDSM. You're right, people don't need spankings to pay their water bill. I never have. But when I was owned, I found myself able to operate better even where there wasn't incentives of praise or punishment. I don't understand it. I've actually been wracking my mind trying to psycho-analyze myself to understand it lol. But in my most recent relationship, it was long distance and he was going through a crisis and didn't have the time or energy to give me lots of rules. It did not matter. The fact that I was his, I belonged to him, that was enough to change me. I started losing weight when I had been gaining it when I was single. I was making lots of achievements in my every day life that I had tried but couldn't when I was by myself. I was just a better me.

Now I'm single again for some months. And there's a weight back, an anxiety I suppose? That I had been freed of when I was owned. When I felt safer, when I knew someone had my back. Now it's just me and I am having trouble sleeping and stuff.

My parents have been married for 44+ years, happily in love. If one of them died tomorrow, God forbid, and they had to function alone, they would fall apart. And no one with any sort of ethics at all would blame them. No one would say it's pathological. No one would call them weak. Or if they did, they would reveal themselves to be a bad human being.

Yet we do label regular singles who are struggling along as weak, even unhealthy. Why? Look, some people are better off single. I know this, history knows this, the Bible even acknowledges this. But it is not the norm. And even people who are single are rarely hermits, they are still social. We are social creatures, us humans.

Now I do know some people hate themselves or something and can't stand to be alone because they'd face themselves. That is not good, since they are just inflicting the problems they see in themselves on someone else when they join a relationship. They should evaluate themselves and get them to a place where if they love others the way they love themselves they're actually loving people and not just hating everyone lol.

But some people are just more social than others. They need a life partner because they need someone there everyday who cares about them, who they can lean on and who they can offer support to. As a single mom actually, I worry that I will lean on my kids, who don't deserve the burden of needing to support their adult mom's emotions. I need someone else to lean on so I don't lean on them. Even if it doesn't harm them now, when they become adults kids whose parents relied on them for emotional support will either fall apart when they grow up and strike out or they will hold them back. I've seen it. I don't want to be that mom. THAT would be being weak and a burden. I saw that in India, where it is more collectivist, that parents often sabotaged their children's future happiness. I am not saying individualism is all bad-- hyper individualism is. There is health in the middle.

As for the D/s aspect: submission is radical. It takes immense vulnerability and it can't be replicated or replaced by innocuous relationships. Maybe a vanilla person can have intensive friendships and a vibrator and find enough to companionship and release to not need a romantic partnership. D/s is different though. I mean, I think that's like 80% of the reason why sites like this one are not just a dating site but have this forum and the blogs and the chatroom-- being part of this community isn't just finding a partner. There's something a bit different about us psychologically. lol.

I don't presume to have answers. But I know I love myself. I love my kids. I am doing my absolute damndest to function and not let my life fall apart.

It all would be like at least twice as easy to accomplish if I was in a healthy and happy D/s relationship. I know myself well enough to know that. Maybe more than twice as likely. So in comparison, being alone is a f*cking struggle. And there's nothing wrong or wimpy or weak in saying that. It is simple fact that I'm not ashamed to admit.

I don't know if you relate to that or not, lambsone, but if you, I'm really sorry that you had to struggle like that most of your life. That isn't good, and I am sorry that happened to you. I wish better for you.

And I wish better to all the subs reading this. There is nothing wrong or weak or whiny with you acknowledging it is a struggle and you want better for yourself. I want better for you, and myself, too. I have no advice, as I said above, as the conclusion I've drawn is I need to find my partner, period, and I'm actively looking. I don't think that's unhealthy or bad or that I should "discipline myself" (I am not saying having self discipline is bad, but it failing to be enough is not, in itself, a personal failure, but an acknowledgment of your own nature, especially as a sub.) I think we should get to know ourselves and work with the limits therein. Self improvement is important, but I'd say let's focus on the things that are "sinful" like greed and selfishness and lack of love-- needing a partner is not a sin in any religion I know of (Maybe the Shakers? But they stopped existing because of it, so...)

Softnote(masochist female)

2 weeks ago • Dec 4, 2024

Write a new one. Think one thing missing you need to put more in to you also what you want flow with it. Bring your strength , softness , wildly Loving self bring your power back of goddess self.
Take the masculine with the feminine become the Partner you seek be the structure but still in submission be the lady of the house and the wife with your discipline. Leading taken in hand with domestic discipline out of love Indore this being the Femininity with the qualities you come with. Still keep your mind and speak up even if being in submission. Be whole again put 100% for self keep going stay busy but let it come to you be the attraction the flatter the soft core side of you.
Play more in your Feminine"qualities of investing in romancing your life with discipline and structure.
focus on cultivating traditionally feminine personality traits like empathy, kindness, expressiveness, and nurturing behavior, while also incorporating elements of feminine style in your clothing and mannerisms, including softer tones of voice, graceful movements, and a focus on appearance through grooming and makeup if desired; however, remember that femininity is a spectrum and what constitutes "feminine" can vary greatly depending on individual and cultural interpretations. But don't change who you are bring with you. Bring your power back to you.

Invest in some nice dresses or dressy slack suits, cute lounge clothes of your taste , perfume , little new makeup , pearls , heels , flats , sheer nylons , gloves , lace. Sexify yourself for yourself.
Do your hair different or dye it whatever it calls to you, maybe blond brown , or highlights of blonde and layered hair.
Have courage to take some pictures of yourself in other themes and clothes all dolled up indoors and outside.
Bake things , Sew things , working on a class , Fitness routine , volunteer , go for nice walks , Skin care routine , bedtime routine , Saying better things to yourself , waking up early re balance with life , take yourself on few dates , Find some friends to go do things , Write down your goals and do things you want to do get the things you want. Buy yourself some flowers and put plants around your house and decorate the holiday but for your own holiday of winter. Being under the man but one that respects you will help you remember your duty maintenance spanking. I would go through your bdsm checklist and discipline some pain things but willing to work on them but done out of love. Put the motherly values of course, start mothering your life, play in a garden even if it's winter, put a little garden inside , cook some nice meals, even blog about it. Set the table for two even if just dining with yourself but you put some stuff on the plate like flowers. Pray or meditate or affirmation flowing with love of blissful domestic housewives in submission. Work on making a scrapbook, even cottage core it , future tech whatever you're into. Do you like to go dancing and talking and laughing making a house a home having prepared when your leading hand comes home have glass filled. You can show a bit of yourself from the waist with a few pictures with a smile in your feminine bliss house wife ways. Even if you are Spiritual go do those things go to church or place that center you try going to meet up places. Go where other women are at a church and do things you don't have to be super religious to just get out of the house. Say you are looking but getting to know someone part at first make personal the thing on top your profile so the right ones see you . Load few diffren't pictures each week but do it for yourself.
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Softnote(masochist female)

2 weeks ago • Dec 4, 2024