How does a dom want boundaries/limits presented

How does a dom want boundaries/limits presented

Ashleythebisub​(sub female) • Feb 3, 2025

Hi, all who are willing to add anything helpful or are also here looking for advice.
How does a dom want boundaries and limits presented?
What are you expecting to get covered by your sub?
A long list or just a few things?
I was in an online-only scenario, and I think because I hadn't had to think about boundaries much before, I did not provide much info and ended up in an uncomfortable place and abruptly ended it with a quick message saying that's a limit for me because x, y, z; and blocked him.

MisterAshmodai​(dom male) • Feb 3, 2025

Depending on how you qualify limits (hard vs soft, and how firm you consider the boundaries applied to each (some people see soft limits as opportunities for growth, etc)), it is imperative that you state, at the very least, your hard limits before engaging in any activity where you hold your partner responsible for respecting them. You cannot uphold a boundary you are unaware of.

Following this, it is helpful to state any soft limits you may be aware of. Once again, you cannot expect a partner to uphold a limit they are unaware of. If you feel comfortable expounding on why you have any particular limits, this can also be helpful in the long run, but respecting a limit should not be dependent on your partner fully understanding the why.

Avoid falling into the trap of assuming that any particular limit is unspoken or universal. Not everyone shares your boundaries, either moral or legal. The only thing that clearly defines a limit is enthusiastic consent of all parties. "The usual" is not a clear limit.

MisterAshmodai​(dom male) • Feb 3, 2025

Even if you have a litany of hard limits, it is important that you share them thoroughly. Glossing over hard limits for the sake of not overwhelming a potential partner or to facilitate a non-complimentary dynamic will never end well.

JaredMayer​(dom male) • Feb 3, 2025

Pretty much agree with MisterAshmodai. As always, communication is key in relationships in general but kink requires us to go the extra mile.

Personally, I don't feel comfortable letting go really and taking control without a pretty good understanding of 1) what the bottom wants to feel from the interaction, 2) approximately what the bottom's hard and soft limits are, and c) a safe word (or other signal) that lets me know when the bottom is about to have a bad time. For me, not being into rape-play, "no", "wait", and "stop" work pretty well but the classic traffic light system is a good starting point too.

I also *love* talking about kinks with partners, and really trying to understand how their mind works and let them understand mine. That's my preferred way to communicate about limits and things because it lets me understand not only what theirs are, but also why the hard limits are hard, and in what way the soft limits are soft. If you can understand how the bottom's mind works it's a lot easier to ensure everyone has a good time.

TopekaDom​(dom male) • Feb 3, 2025

Really, this should all come out during negotiations, or what I always call "The Dance". To really bring it home, you probably should put it down on paper and have each side sign it. While this is really unenforceable, specially in a court of law, it gives each side something to point at in case of a violation.

Literate Lycan​(dom male) • Feb 3, 2025

You are young and I'm guessing as your profile says very new. I concur with what has been said above.

Before you find yourself in another situation, do a bit more homework on yourself.

I'm not opposed to writing out contracts or elaborating on paper, but that's a bit down the road and probably way too advanced for someone just starting out. Take baby-steps.

When you're chatting with someone, you should feel comfortable with them. If you don't feel comfortable chatting with them about serious topics, then slow down and either get to know them better or step back and say "Thank you, I've got more learning to do."

Honestly any limits and boundaries should come out gradually as you TAKE THE TIME to get to know one another. You don't have to present them all on day one (although if you have one specific hard limit, yeah throw it out there). Getting to know one another takes more than a chat, two or seven. Each conversation might be on a different topic, which means each time you chat with someone, you'll learn something new or provide more information on you. This also means, you need to be patient.

Enjoy the journey. And if something comes up that you believe is a hard limit for you, take a moment to understand why and present it. Also give yourself room that a hard-limit you might have with Person A might be something you want to try with Person B. Wishing you the best!

Mistress Kassandra​(dom female) • Feb 3, 2025

Always want a slave to be honest about pain tolerance and availability for example. As I am not looking for anything extreme, that is usually enough for me.


Honestly and openly.