d/s deffinitions

d/s deffinitions

meowy • Mar 30, 2025

Hi.
So I just joined the site, and I know I want a partner in the lifestyle but I'm confused.
Just to give you a little background, I'm totally blind and got diagnosed with Bipolar type 2 in 2020. (Basically Bipolar 1 is the one everyone thinks of as bipolar, hallucinations, substance use etc. Bipolar type 2 is basically a cyclical form of depression which goes between ok to not ok, without the highs of Bipolar 1.)
So basically here's my problem/question.
I've done a few d/s relationships ever since I discovered it in 2014, all online and long distance due to the fact that my primary method of dating as a blind person is through online, as is everything else--my friends have almost all been online, x partners, etc.
I mean, in the Vanilla relationships we have gotten to in person before, and that's always my goal when I start a relationship, to start online and move to in person. Its just never happened with the BDSM ones.
At any rate my last relationship which started Vanilla and turned into a d/s relationship when my x admitted she was submissive, made me realize I definitely want to live this lifestyle 24/7, but I have a problem.
As I said I'm disabled, and as such I cannot work. I have a pretty low stress tolerance and used to get daily panic attacks at previous jobs.
I am on disabled benefits, which is fine but this isn't enough for me to have my own place or anything. Right now I've lived with family and I've also lived with partners when we were in relationships.
Personally, I always thought I was a dominant, due to the fact that I'm very wary of anyone ever controlling me, and prefer to be the one in control of things.
One of the reasons why I found BDSM so appealing is because I found it so much clearer then vanilla. The roles are very well defined, and the structure is very tight, and honestly the few d/s relationships I've had online have been the only relationships that haven't turned toxic.
(Vanilla relationships have boundaries but are extremely loose and so people have taken advantage of me before because of that.)
The clarity of BDSM is the same clarity I love about dating apps, and why with the exception of 2 partners (1 being a friend from childhood and one being one of her friends who later contacted me when I was single and who I remembered), have always started on apps and through texting.
So I guess my question is this.
I've been on other BDSM platforms and I've ended up talking to subs who said my inability to work, etc. is a dealbreaker.
Putting aside any personal preferences in that regard, does that effect my ability to be a dom at all?
I feel like if I had a sub that I'd need to provide everything for them. Whether that's just the way I was raised influencing my d/s approach (which I was raised with the idea that the man should be the provider so it's definitely a thing), or if that's truly how dominance work is what I want to figure out.
I'm starting to tinker with the idea that I might be a sub, just based on my current situation but I'm not sure since I'm terrified of giving anyone, anywhere, control of any kind.
Thoughts?

Steellover​(sub male) • Mar 31, 2025

It is hard, and at least, takes practice, to be a good sub. Practice, trust, and courage- and finding that person to trust so you can put yourself in both a physically and emotionally compromising position in front of them. I would tend to believe, without actually knowing much about you personally, that you are simply more comfortable as a dominant.
As far as your work situation, I don't know what kind of work you did previously, but there may be a way in which you can find employment that is relatively stress free and easy, that wouldn't trigger all of the debilitating reactions.

Miki​(masochist female) • Mar 31, 2025

I'll try to keep this short since I'm definitely "not a fan" of long-winded posts so I try to be succinct in what I post-- but I'm not always successful in that goal...

Don't let your physical limitations define you and don't let others use those limitations to do that, either. You are who you feel you should be. If you prefer to be in control (admittedly you need assistance in certain areas because you cannot see but that is not a reason to convince yourself that you're a "sub".

Though having what these days and in many circles is the "much maligned" alpha personality (You know those "circles"; the modern day touchy-feely crap where a guy is frowned upon for, well, acting like a guy-- anyway having an alpha personality does not automatically make one a "good dom or domme". It takes more than that... But wanting to be in charge and in control as much as possible are hardly "sub characteristics".

In the end follow your heart and gut and don't be afraid to be and act, within reason of course, as you naturally want to act.

By the way... Don't be fooled by "the tighter constraints" in BDSM relationships versus mainstream relationships. Through it all it all, it still boils down to commitment and personal integrity. People not given to honoring their word vis a vis a monogamous relationship will screw around behind the other's back no matter the nature of the relationship, be it BDSM dynamic or mainstream relationship. That you cannot see only means a would-be cheater doesn't have to be quite as cunning. But as you wrote-- you already found out, there are other ways to "see" what the other thinks they're hiding so well.

meowy • Mar 31, 2025

Hey guys. Thank you so much for replying. I was super scared to check these posts because quite honestly I was afraid of being judged. I absolutely agree though, as I've reflected on this, my need for control is a must and that is deffinetely not a sub thing at all. As I think I might've mentioned in my original post (not sure because I rewrote it 10000 times), I did interact with several subs online, and one of them specifically, I remember so vividly, had the need to be controlled, the need to let go of herself and be completely in someone else's hands, the smallest example or suggestio of which has always freaked me out. I guess it's just I'm used to being discounted because of my disabilities and honestly that goes way beyond the BDSM scene. I've been friend zoned more times then I can count simply because of my blindness, let alone the other stuff, without people even knowing anything about my work situation.
Steellover, I've tried everything. The best thing I've found is online businesses, like launching a website to sell something speicifc like through shopify and stuff. Thing is it doesn't generate that much of an income, and I don't know if it ever will, but it's something to where I feel like I'm doing something useful. Just didn't care to mention that earlier because its not a significant part of my income yet and all that. But I mean like I said above, and its something I've been reflecting on, work situation and disability aside, Miki is right, I am just not a sub. I guess I was seeing it more as, I would have to submit to someone because of my lack of ability to provide for myself but in all truthfulness me being a sub would be both a hell for me and anyone who tried, just because its not me.

House Talion​(dom male) • Apr 1, 2025

You're right to be afraid cause there's far too many ppl within this lifestyle that'll justvuse you for their own gain and toss you away when they get what they wantbor lose interest. Like 90% of the community.

Consider your best freind. Think of how long it took before you called them freind and as well how long it was till you called them your bestie. That's what this lifestyle is suposed to be like. Time well spent truely knowing your potential partner before specifying the dynamic regaurdlessnof how much play or sex yall have in the process.

meowy • Apr 1, 2025

So, this will be my final update to this thread. Obviously I've been thinking about this a lot. I said yesterday that everything I described was dominant-oriented thinking, which is true based on what someone responded to me. However, I was chatting on here with a sub and I realized that I was looking at it the wrong way. I don't know if it was just being afraid to trust someone in that way since I already have plenty of trauma from past vanilla relationships going horribly wrong, or if my needs changed because of my disabilities. (I was blind since 3 and a half but my mental health stuff didn't get diagnosed until I was 25.) I'm definitely a sub. Because what I want now more then anything is someone I feel safe enough to let go with. I don't want to be in charge anymore, I want, I need someone to take care of me, because of what I'm going through. Granted I'm super scared of letting anyone in like that, and although I want a dom I'm not just going to let anyone in easily, but I realized that's what I need now, regardless of the financial and other stuff I can or cannot do. It'll take forever for me to find someone, and/or let someone in to that degree, again, because of past trauma but I need to follow what I emotionally need rather then overthinking this stuff purely on materialistic ends. I was making the mistake of asking what others expected instead of asking myself what I needed.