Making partner feel safe to explore sadistic tendencies

Kelpi • Jun 15, 2025

I was in my 30's when I first learned of BDSM. It started with me slapping my ex's ass one night and her enjoying it. That set us on to the search for more interesting things. We started slowly at first by talking and learning about what we found interesting. How far I would go and what she wanted to try. It was great the first two years then I come to a point where I was at a point I would not cross but she wanted to try. So I found someone who I trusted and let him show her a darker side of life. It did not take long for her to want more and more before I walked away from her for her happiness. That was long ago and several subs have come and gone. I have learned many things since then but always at my own rate.

I always take a sub slowly and with lots of talk between us. I only go as far as she is willing and let her know that we can stop at any time she feels not safe. I found that talking to her when anything I do or somneone else helps to set her mind in a good place and let her know even when she can't see me I am near. Talking her down from subspace is something that has to be done slow and gently, Every new thing we tried was talked about and researched. There where things I said no to and things she talked me into. (Hard to say no when a sub has her hand down your pants and knows just where your buttons are). Always be honest to what you want and how far you will go. NEVER let someone talk you into something you do not want to do or try.

LookingForAdvice​(kinky male) • Jun 15, 2025

Oh wow. Thanks @Bunnie!

I feel humbled. xD

For one, that is some deep reflection and self awareness. Understanding ones wants and emotions so extensively is as important as it is impressive.

Mostly humbled because I entered a world I have no personal understanding of and what you just said sounds beautiful. My thoughts after having tried it were that I understood sadistic tendencies better after seeing how hot getting to do things can apparently be for someone. It was too dismissive to not give the receiving side much more thought after experiencing "this hurts, what could be nice about this other than the emotional satisfaction of experiencing how deeply someone you care about trusts you".

Shattering of fear sure sounds nice! xD
I've observed that my body's developing slight fear responses, which I'm keeping an eye on. I went into it not fearing pain, funnily enough, it'd seem my experience was the opposite from what you're describing. The ouchie was worse. xD

Was the pain immediately rewarding or was it something to warm up to, for you? 🤔

JaredMayer​(dom male) • Jun 15, 2025

I sometimes think my sadism is actually an expression of masochism. Like I said before, I don't really have any interest in hurting people I don't have feelings for, and I think that's because on some level I need to suffer with them.

Anyways, there are kinds of pain that are satisfying in their own way. Like, I used to do a lot of really long bike rides (50+ miles) and I became one of those people who *liked* hills. Why yes, fellow biking group people, I think we should route through Observatory *and* The Three Bitches(1). There's a feeling of accomplishment for managing it, sure, but I think also the pain focuses the mind, reminds you that you are alive, and shows you that you can endure more hardship than you think.

I've heard subspace likened to the kinds of endorphin highs that intense exercise can bring too.

(1)These are a notorious feature of the Iron Man biking route in my area. 3 giant hills in close proximity. Trainers often advise non-locals to walk up one of them rather than expend all their energy grinding away in the bottom gear.

LookingForAdvice​(kinky male) • Jun 15, 2025

@Jared you continue to offer fascinating insights. xD

I'm considering to start a new thread to subsidise the dm feature.

I enjoy working out, best time of my life, physically, was when I had the luxury to hit the gym for several hours several times a week and had the leisure time to go running or cycling almost daily. I got the endorphins during, not after though. The muscle pain was inconvenient at times, but it served as small reminders throughout the day how good the workout had felt, which made it more bearable. xD

I'm usually the dominant one in relationships, it doesn't matter enough to me to seek out partners who want that in a partner. I feel comfortable anywhere between neutral and dominant, huge turn off for me if a partner tries to be dominant. Dominance is such an unspecified concept that people tend to easily think of as simple or straightforward.

Gently but firmly guiding someone into a position you'll both enjoy, to me, is dominance I enjoy. The idea of ordering my partner around and demanding things happen the second I think of them is incredibly off-putting to me. I get that the fantasy of "do whatever I want with utter disregard for the other person" is appealing to some, but there's a difference between being dominant or inflicting pain safely and between causing actual injury or unpleasant discomfort.

There's also dirty talk that works and that doesn't. I'm a tad too aware that I could absolutely get away if I felt like it, some things, I can remain neutral about or go along with, others make me burst out laughing. Someone dominant only has as much power as they are given. I encountered people - both submissive/self-identified brats as well as self-identified doms - who thought they could establish power dynamics as they please. Someone being bratty, insulting and "teasing" you while you tell them to quit it already was, yikes.

Got sidetracked. Interesting hypothesis of yours! I propose that there can also be sadism in masochism. Stigmas around the one inflicting the pain are worse than about the one receiving it. Wanting to put your partner in a spot where they do something they know is considered "morally wrong", making them "do that to you", no matter how much they reflected and came to terms with that side of themselves, I'd imagine there are some masochists out there who enjoy the thrill of something like "moral superiority" or of getting to witness them "admitting to being aroused by something shameful and being so into it they can't resist doing it".

BDSM seems to be a means to work through emotions that more often than not are trauma related. Suffering alongside loved ones or - not directed at you, but people with slightly different life circumstances - hitting others to mentally hit themselves, there's a whole lot of information to uncover and explore.