Seeking advice. I feel so lost in what to do.

Seeking advice. I feel so lost in what to do.

labellavita​(sub female)​{Brat} • Nov 4, 2025

I’m struggling with intimacy with my husband. We’ve been talking about exploring the lifestyle together, but he keeps saying, “We’ll get there” and that he’ll get more comfortable soon. I want to believe him, but I’m feeling unfulfilled and undesired lately. I still crave connection, touch, and that spark, but I’m not sure how to reignite it without pressuring him or losing hope. I’d never cheat on him. I love him so much. I’ve talked to him about it and I just don’t know if he is able to give me what I’m desiring so badly. Is this something I need to put away? My desires?

Has anyone else faced this? How did you find your way back to feeling wanted and desired again?

magicHands​(dom male) • Nov 4, 2025

Well you have some options.

1. You could look at what is triggering your own insecurities. Feeling "unfulfilled and undesired lately" is pretty much always internal stuff. No one makes us feel anything. That is a power you can only give away. So what has you doubting your self or your value? When you are unhappy it does not matter what others around you do, you will find it not enough. So need to look at what is triggering this.

2. You could be clear and more specific. Vague "I need more" statements are designed to fail. Be clear. Tell him you need him to.... ( choke you, slap you, over power you, call you names, degrade you and then hold you) what ever thing(s) you are desiring. Tell him the specific things. Or maybe just start with one and go from there.

3. You could come out and say the real need you have an acknowledge how unfair it is and that it is still what you need. i.e. I am unhappy. I don't know why, but I need you to fix it for me, and I am going to fight you on it, but I still need you to just fix it for me.

4. You can continue you down the current path and slowly passively burn your life down. That is the path you are currently on. You will focus more and more on how un-happy you are. Blame those around you. And slowly it will seem valid/justified to do something destructive. Like end the relationship. or give your self to someone else, or what every will burn everything down.


To be clear. This is not meant as a judgement of you. This is how almost all people behave. There is nothing wrong with you that you feel this way. just understand the choice you are making.

Anna Lynn​(sub female) • Nov 5, 2025

While I haven't experienced this struggle personally, there are many here who have. You aren't alone.

{”I’m struggling with intimacy with my husband. We’ve been talking about exploring the lifestyle together, but he keeps saying, “We’ll get there” and that he’ll get more comfortable soon.”}

That was very brave of you to admit there is an issue between you and begin the conversation. It sounds like he is listening and willing to open himself up to what you need and that's also a good thing. I don't know him but a lot of men are taught to be very gentle with their partner and feel a sense of guilt at the idea of being more aggressive so this could be an issue for him that he needs to be comfortable with.


{”I want to believe him, but I’m feeling unfulfilled and undesired lately. I still crave connection, touch, and that spark, but I’m not sure how to reignite it without pressuring him or losing hope.”}

I would say start off with simple things like have him put his hand lightly on your throat (not pushing down~ that might freak him out) while you are either working up to or being intimate. Other options could be holding you down by your wrists or just increasing the aggressiveness and intensity as time goes by. When he’s doing something you like, let him know!! That's important.


{”I’d never cheat on him. I love him so much. I’ve talked to him about it and I just don’t know if he is able to give me what I’m desiring so badly. Is this something I need to put away? My desires?”}

Your devotion to him is wonderful. Please don't loose that. No, you shouldn't put your desires away. They are a part of you and if you ignore them, resentment will build within you and that's never a good thing.

Try to be patient with him, communicate what you want and need, work up to rougher things slowly and most important praise and encourage him when he is doing the things you want and need. You may need to do this often so he internalizes that he isn't hurting you or disrespecting you.
So show the love and don't give up!


Finally, there are many wonderful submissive women here with loads of experience in your situation. Reach out to them ( or me). Ask if they can mentor you. Avoid having Dominants as a mentor just because us women understand each other better I think. ( I mean NO offense to any and all Dominants here).


Good luck Dear and hang in there!

House Talion​(dom male) • Nov 5, 2025

I'm sure he wants the same things. So think of what he enjoys the most and do what you can to please him in any way. If the spark is there he'll do the same.

intenseoldman​(dom male) • Nov 5, 2025

I don't know if I have any advice, but couples who love each other, yet struggle to meet each other's needs. it tugs on my heart. Maybe instead of focusing on the physical, focus on the love. If you can fully express that then the kinky pleasure you crave finds its way. I wish you the best.

Miki • Nov 6, 2025

With proper respect to @Intenseoldman's reply I will repeat what I have posted every time over the years that I read about a pairing in which one is into kink , BDSM and D/s dynamics while the other is not---but both are otherwise very much in love.

This example of a "Hobson's Choice" is no joy to contemplate, but in the case the other saying in reply: "We'll get there"-- indicates that he's not into this stuff. You may very well have to forego the kink and twist.

As the saying goes, "It's no good if you gotta force it."

I'm not saying that this is definitely where you're headed, rather I am suggesting you be prepared for it. it's a decision only you can make after all.

-------------------------------------------------

I am not nor have ever been given to "deeply loving and committed" anything, but even outside-looking-in, true love that abides is not easy to find, is a cinch to lose, and it is worth far more than one particular aspect of the relationship's overall physicality.

Good luck, communicate often and meaningfully, and take your time.

MissBonnie​(dom female)​{oz} • Nov 6, 2025

First, rebuild the intimacy, then add the BDSM. When the emotional and physical closeness is flowing again, the rest will follow naturally. There are so many excellent resources and exercises online for rebuilding intimacy — connection rituals, touch exercises, communication prompts, and ways to slowly rekindle libido together. Start there. Put your effort into that first foundation. For BDSM to work, the foundations and cornerstones need to be strong. You can't build on something that isn't strong. You need to get back there FIRST.

And in fairness to your husband, he is saying, “We’ll get there.”
The "we" matters. That tells me he loves you, he wants to meet you where you are, and he isn’t shutting the door — he’s asking for time to arrive there with you.

If you’ve known you were kinky for most of your life, remember he hasn’t had the same runway. He’s had what — months? Years? A fraction of the time you’ve had to understand yourself. That’s not long in the bigger picture of a relationship. Most likely, what’s holding him back isn’t lack of desire — it’s fear of disappointing you, fear of not measuring up, or fear of “getting it wrong.” When a man loves his partner deeply, that fear can freeze him.

Rebuild the intimacy first: the cuddles, the flirting, the shared moments, the gentle touches, the emotional safety. Once that reconnection is happening, the conversations about BDSM — what you want, what he can offer, and how to meet in the middle — become much easier, softer, and more productive.

You don’t need to put your desires away.
You just need to get back on the same page, then move forward together from there.

TheDarkMaster​(dom male) • Nov 6, 2025

Talk to him, not strangers online.

Defender​(dom male) • Nov 6, 2025

^ Seems like good advice.

I know from experience that there are occasions when the husband feels so bad at not being able to fulill his wife's burning needs, that he gives consent for her to get these fulfilled by someone else.

Yes, it is fraught with dangers, jealousy etc - but sometimes the wife is so overwhelmed at husband's self-sacrifice and generosity that she ends up loving him in a way that she never could before.

So talk to him, if you are able, about this and everything else.

Some people will no doubt express a strong "moral" objection to this advice - but I can never bring myself to tell people to suppress their inner feelings and live a life of unhappiness, and possibly end up resenting the partner and the marriage.

I have been there.

Bunnie • Nov 9, 2025

The best litmus test as to your true intentions (sometimes we can even hide them from ourselves) is as to whether or not you’d consider introducing him to this site and sharing in all aspects of your journey together.
Are you ok with him also having an account here? Or at least knowing you’re on this site and having access to your account?
If you want him to learn and become immersed also, it’s a great opportunity.

If you don’t want him here… fair warning… it doesn’t go well. I’ve seen it enough times to know how that goes. A kind Dom reaches out to offer you “guidance.” And before you know it, you’re in “love” because a part of you that was dying of thirst is suddenly being watered. Your situation is probably the most common scenario here.

My advice is always transparency and communication. That’s if you do truly want to keep your marriage in tact.