Early Days / your Process

How much input from a sub/slave is allowed before you consider it domming from the bottom? I have seen some who write interminable rules and regs. And I mean law book long.

It depends on the dynamic and the rules agreed upon. Many D/s dynamics require a contract to spell out exactly what and how much is allowed.

Topping from the bottom is not good for any D/s dynamic. As my Dom was training me, she actually asked me for my input on some things. She is in charge and I only give my opinion on things when she asks for it.

The mutual communication and respect has made our Femdom dynamic work for years.

Expressing likes, dislikes, and limits prior to a BDSM scene (preferably not during) should not be considered "Topping from the bottom" though I am sure some people do.

Ultimately, sub or not, we all get to choose how we want to express our kinks and what we need to feel safe. Input from the sub is valuable to me, because I don't feel comfortable being the cruel sadistic bastard I deeply want to be if I can't understand the mind of the sub and how it will react. If I were a sub, I'd be weary of any dom who wants to shut down communication because they're insecure about the idea of being topped from the bottom. And, I don't know, but maybe for a baby dom it might be a good idea to get topped from the bottom by an experienced sub for a while anyway.

If I felt like a sub was trying to command the entire interaction and not letting me be myself, as opposed to just communicating, then I'd have a problem with it and we'd have to talk that out. It's not a matter of quantity, but of intent.

I’m a little confused about whether you are talking about negotiations prior to forming a dynamic or after.

I definitely think all people should have an understanding of their wants, needs and limits (soft and hard), and then, before any commitment, in depth, two-way conversations should take place if a connection is made. I understand it as a process of building from a place of self-awareness from both parties, rather than a ‘here is my 30 page non-negotiable contract - take it or leave it’.

I also don’t think anything is “topping from the bottom” unless there’s clear established protocol and rules in place that both parties agree to.

You can always say, “no thanks and all the best”

Consent and communication. Fundamental foundation in a dynamic. The core of a D/s relationship cannot be built without these 2. Trust, another core brick in building a dynamic that can last. Trust is built again with those 1st two. Safewords, hard limits, soft limits? Do kinks align or is it not a fit between the D and the side of the slash. All of these may appear to be lists but its called transparencies that allow you to say hey maybe this isnt my person and move on. What seems like a long list may just be communication of expectations and limits.

Thanks for participating so farl

I think better questions may come from examining the source of this.

You said: "I have seen some who write interminable rules and regs"

My mind goes to: What causes a submissive to list out such extensive rules? Are they topping from the bottom? Or is it likely through harassment, life experience, trauma, or doms who have not respected more basic boundaries that the submissives feel the need to write detailed limits?

The next question that comes to mind is, shouldn't a Dom be grateful if a submissive has taken the time to learn what feels right or wrong to their body? This varies of course from a sub who is setting a scene or demanding things on the daily, but it makes me consider this: If a Dom views limits as 'law book long' then how interested is he in the actual person behind the sub? The depth of your bond often exceeds books and anyone worth investing in, has invested in themselves.

A low confidence sub with low boundaries and 'anything goes' mindset? Sure sounds fun- until you realize that they likely do not love themself, can not self regulate, or has unhealthy views of you and themself.