Detransitioning

As a transgender woman, I will suggest the book Stone Butch Blues by Leslie Feinberg. It is from an FtM perspective but it may help.
I would also suggest finding a counselor or clinical social worker that has experience with the transgender community. They may be best at understanding what is going on. You can always message me also. I will do whatever I can to help without judgment.
You can't go into withdrawal from hormones and you won't get sick from stopping them but there will be biological changes as your body chemistry readjusts. Facial hair probably won't grow back if you had electrolysis. Breasts would need to be surgically removed. I know about the effects of having to stop hormones since I had to stop taking them due to a stroke risk.
Detransitioning has to be scary. We fight so hard to be who we are already. I remember when I came out back in the 90s and even doctors were horrible to the trans community. We carry a lot of trauma and you need to talk about that also. That may explain why your heart rate goes up and you get aggressive. You probably are having panic and anxiety.
I would not suggest YouTube videos since there is a lot of trans hatred going on there and the screwed up algorothm will suggest Ben Shapiro or any other right wingnut saying how wrong the trans community is.

this is exactly the reason that i believe the way things are being done in regards to trans youth needs to be changed. as a trans woman myself, things have become way to easy and accessible. in turn causing more people that may end up in this same situation to make a rash decision to start transitionbefore they truely know themselves and what they need long term. the number of teams people detransitioning these days is crazy and that is just adding fuel to the people that hate us. i am very sorry to say this, but there is very little that is out there that will be an actual benefit to you in this situation. most of not all of it out there is being pushed by the anti trans people or there. i wish you all the luck in finding helpful info. and a smooth journey to who and where you need to be.

This is the problem when people seek advice on detransitioning . As if they havent thought out what they are doing because it's some political agenda.

Even if this is multiple months old, how are you holding up? As a transmasc person, I feel detransitioners are still valid members of our community—I understand the taboo to an extent if it gives credit to the idea that transition doesn't work, but one's wellbeing and safety is paramount (but depends on why you detransition, maybe, but it isn't my business).
Because you are experiencing things out of most people's expertise, try to find a professional that can assist you. If not, the internet is a good source, but be careful not to stumble into an echo chamber or misinformation inconsistent with what we know about the extremely diverse human experience. People think everything is so black and white, even within queer spaces at times, and I have a particular disposition for it.
If you happen to be online sometime, let me know if you are doing any better, or the same and still surviving out there.

New account but still same person.

I've gotten a lot better. I'm still experiencing sudo period like symptoms along with immune issues.

For me it was that I transitioned for the wrong reasons. I thought that this was the issue that I was experiencing and in my quest to try and solve my ongoing crisis at the time, choose wrongly at the time.

I ended up experiencing some incredible things, I got to experience a wider range of emotions and smoother skin and soo much other incredible things. Many of those things when I stopped taking estrogen, faded. But I'm actually able to remember things, my energy levels are a lot more stable etc.

This isn't to say in any way that those with estrogen experience this at all, but in my case, coupled with my pre-existing complex cognitive setup, was making things in the long run worse.

Me, detransitioning doesn't at all reflect that I don't want others to detransition, or that transition in any way should not be approved. I'm part of the minority and that's absolutely okay.

I've tried to reach for expertise in the matter but unfortunately, most people who detransition are AFAB. Meaning while some of the effects and ideas are similar, there's a lot of unknowns. Even those who detransition are a minority, so I'm part of a minority of minorities.

But that's okay, my parts of my body that I used to plan to shave off or sculpt to 'hide', I no longer wish too. I've come to a sort of peace. I'm a hybrid and that's beautiful in its own way. I get to have a bit of both, my physiology may be permanently altered, but I'm still here. I still draw breath.

The internet definition is a good source but I've had to refrain from most communities that focus on transitioning or detransitioning. I feel like I'm used as a prop and not seen as a person anymore. I'm not here to give a definitive answer, as you put it so eloquently, it's not black and white. I'm no longer living in black and white but shades and shades of grey.

Hopefully that answered, always happy to answer more. Cheers 🥂

Update on Detransitioning

I wanted to provide an update from August to May and how it’s been.

The biggest things is that I still have boobs but they’ve substantially shrunk and seem to be gradually being reabsorbed into the body.

Presently weight obfuscates what is from my overweightness , and what is now part of my base build. However the area’s have shrunk a teeny bit but still tend to be around 1.5 inches in diameter when not aroused or cold.

My emotions have vastly stabilized but I miss the raw watercolours of emotions when I was on estrogen. The best way that I can describe it is that when I was on estrogen, whatever emotion I was feeling was like watercolour emotions and subtly unique and never to be experienced that exact flavour again. Now my emotions feel more discrete and less watercoloury, more like thick paint that can be mixed together but less beautiful flowing, once in a life time sort of gifts.

One of the extremely rough things was for about a year and a half during the beginning of chemical detransitioning, was emotional instability. This was much worse then the more minor mood fluctuations I had around a 25 day periodic. During my normal ‘cycles’ when I was on estrogen, I can trace irritability and sadness around this sort of cycle. But this was quite manageable. I use ‘cycle’ in quotes since I don’t know how brains, cells and body works that don’t actually have a uterus and such. It could have been purely psychosomatic, biological chemicals cycle or a mixture of the two. I am not an expert nor do I purport to be one.

But back to the emotional instability post detransitioning. It was really really bad, I was constantly picking fights and those around me that I was close to, unfortunately beared the brunt of that. The fights weren’t over things that mattered or that I was even agreeing with or even politically or something that had value or importance. It was stupid things but aside from the fight, I had this extreme frustration and anger. Like ‘how dare’, like I wanted to hurt them physically or punch them repeatedly. Things I never acted on, nor have I ever been a violent person. But that was extremely scary.

My thyroid issues was either a misdiagnosis or self resolved, possibly unrelated but possibly not so I wanted to touch on that.

I still have minor acne that will pop up here and there but that is easily handled with normal treatment. Stretch marks around my joints have almost all vanished but some of the bigger ones leave behind those little pools of iridescent scars that catch the light just so.

Most of the body hair that had vanished during estrogen has reappeared but in a slightly lighter and less dense amount. That includes the chest as well. My sexual drive in terms of wanting to be with someone is still close to zero, but feeling horny and such happens more now. Which is confusing but I expect in time that the full sexual drive hopefully kicks in?