Appeal and Lack of Experience

EnforcedBliss​(dom male) • Nov 1, 2018

Thank-you Imiss. This is research as there is no "she" to be tied for any length of time regardless my skill level

I am starting to get the sense that no matter what question you post you are most likely to get 95% of responses that amount to, "Communication, trust." Almost like they are sort of important lol.

Having never dipped a toe in the "lifestyle" prior to a weekish ago I had (and no doubt still have) many misconceptions, one of which was that the play was forefront and communication was no more than the means of giving instructions and such. Christ did this place knock that bit of stupidity out my head in a hurry.

So I talk to people and I read, or obnoxiously interfere in the chats, and if a question occurs to me I ask one of the great people I've met here - whom I won't name for fear of sullying their reputation. If there is a question of interest to me that I want a wide perspective on or I think will be of general interest then I ask here.

Research has never been so fun.

Take care

Lostasfuck​(sub female) • Nov 1, 2018

Ok ok touché. Lol The research is fun I’ve experienced this myself recently. A Wide perspective is a reasonable response. Subs also need to learn that reputation isn’t everything. Especially when she already knows herself better than her dom thinks she does. They know their limits. And they will even abandon their instincts and break their limits to please him. Additionally she must know that if sub isn’t independent she becomes less attractive and pathetic. However Reputations can be just the pressure she’s looking to escape. Why? If it’s great why? Maybe it’s not what she actually cares about. Maybe she only wants to care about one perspective instead of many. But. Yes research can be fun. But taxing. But if she gets even small visual rewards (like a dom helping someone else up when she’s down) she’ll keep going that’s her job.

Lostasfuck​(sub female) • Nov 1, 2018

If she wants to have harem let her. Because a dom has the power to take the harem away. All that means is that he controls the sickest sub out there and her harem. If she fires the hole harem it means it’s because she wants a better harem. With more skills in the lifestyle

EnforcedBliss​(dom male) • Nov 1, 2018

Those are all good points Imiss.

dollMaker​(dom male) • Nov 1, 2018

I find your opening post disturbing. You want to find away to mitigate that lack of experience, in order to still be appealing.

Being very frank, you should do so such thing. Do you know what is more appealing, someone who acknowledges they have no idea what to do, how to do it and want to learn how to do those things and by doing so be safe. Being concerned first and foremost about being safe, above all things now that is appealing.

Someone who embraces their having to crawl first, before they walk, never mind run that is appealing.

BDSM, Fetish activity is very, repeat very dangerous. The most simple things can hurt someone. An injury that fades or stays with them to their dying day. And some activity, if it goes wrong can kill. Someone who realises this before they hurt someone. That is appealing.

Your first thought should be am I safe, even now, in whatever you have tried? Someone who looks deep, considers their actions. That is appealing. Someone who stops, before they hurt someone. That is appealing.

Stop whatever it is you are doing and go learn first. Learn how to do the things you would like to do. Attend workshops on these things, read books, watch suitable videos, talk to those who are good at what you would like to do. That is appealing.

Showing you are serious about what you would like to do, above all else. That is appealing

Wanting to educate yourself, be educated, putting all that first before going near a sub, looking for a sub. That is the ultimate in being appealing.

First steps are little steps, but in time those lead to walking and then running. Please don't try to run before you can even stand.

EnforcedBliss​(dom male) • Nov 1, 2018

With no disrespect intended - I'd thank you to keep your tone in mind when speaking to me in the future.

Wherein did I give the impression, doll, that I needed to be told any of that? Read my posting history here, I've been very up front about what I do and don't know and how much or little I know about it. I've never suggested that safety, physical and otherwise, is anything except critical.

Pray tell, doll, how would you recommend I demonstrate that I am serious? Read the books and articles right? Sure how many books and articles are there? How many hours in a day? The math isn't hard. I am reading, and listening but it takes time.

Interact with people who know more and listen to them? Ask questions and pay attention to the answers? Damn, you'd almost think that that is exactly what I'm doing.

Perhaps you would suggest I acquire practical experience by going to local events? I'd love to. You want to supply enough people that my small conservative, mentally constipated town can have a scene that last more than an eye-blink. When can I expect you?

Or maybe the information and experience is to descend upon my via the ether in my sleep since none of the other methods I am utilizing are sufficient to calm your frayed nerves. Well it hasn't happened yet, doll, and I don't expect it will.

I appreciate the time and effort you put into your reply even if I've little use for the reply itself.

Bliss

Savida​(other female) • Nov 1, 2018

I’m with PappaBear (and dollMaker of course) on this one.

I recently had to tell someone I wasn’t going to be going further with them because it was plain as pie to me that they had no humility, no understanding of the dangers of what he wanted to do with me, wasn’t willing to try to learn in any way and didn’t realize this stuff needs to be taken slowly. He just wanted to jump right in, which is risky and something I simply won’t do.

As a newer sub, I know I don’t know enough yet to be able to truly understand when things are going off the rails so I’m very wary of playing with people that are both new and don’t understand that this is a big dangerous world in addition to being exciting. To me, not being willing to learn or try to learn is a gigantic red flag and a risk to my safety I am unwilling to take, and I hope others, especially those also new, will be careful as well and think of their safety, etc, when considering letting someone do dangerous things (which almost everything in kink has a way to injury someone or fuck it up!) to their body.

Bunnie • Nov 1, 2018

@ EB, I’ve been enjoying reading this forum. You’re responses show that you have have a great attitude. I think that’s a really good starting point. In my opinion, everything you seem to be doing will be appreciated and appealing to someone. I agree with @ MasterBear that everyone has to start somewhere... and there’s no better place than at the beginning I can understand wanting to find someone to share it with. And I think that as long as you’re willing to keep learning and growing and yes... communicating lol, that there’s nothing wrong with that. It will be a struggle (the blind leading the blind and all that), but theory only gets us so far. Eventually you do have to stop dipping your toe in and actually hop in the water. It doesn’t have to be a jump... there are steps.... everyone seems to forget that, and panics that the newbies can’t see them. But they’re usually the big things with the handrails
Build a support network for yourself (both Doms and subs) of those who’s opinions you trust, who are happy to help you along the way, they will be invaluable to you.

EnforcedBliss​(dom male) • Nov 1, 2018

Well aren't you just the kindest Bunnie in the meadow. I'm in no great hurry, I'm enjoying you and the others I've connected with, one in particular, and that's about it. I'm reading a lot, listening to a lot and trying to get a firm grasp on the rules (written and landmine) and the theory behind interactions. It's a lot to digest. But thanks to kind folks like you I'm making progress, glacial though it may seem.

Savida made, I think, a lot of excellent points in her reply to me and there is a lot to be taken from it. I'm glad she contributed and of course anything you say is cheap at a buck a word

Savida​(other female) • Nov 1, 2018

I'm glad you were able to appreciate some of the points I was echoing from dollMaker and MasterBear's posts--they really did say it all but I wanted to throw it in a different light, from a submissive perspective. Their concerns really are valid and aimed at protecting the safety of submissives and I agree with them wholeheartedly.