Why subs with trauma feel scared trusting

“I feel like on here it’s good to have conversation, but it gets to a point where you don’t know if the persons gonna be nice or not or if they have only sexual intentions.”

I feel this so hard. I love talking to anyone and everyone, and the second people learn that I am collared they lose interest. I just need people in the community to talk to, because my Dom and I live in a very small town, and no one here knows that we are part of the kink/BDSM community. I have sexual trauma, but part of this lifestyle has helped me attach securely to my Dom of 15 years (husband of 22 years), and to really look at myself honestly and to be able to ask for what I want, especially as a submissive. Never ever apologize for standing up for yourself. It is okay to have wants and needs and to be able to express them freely and without fear. If you ever want to talk, feel free to message me.

I think what you’re describing is something a lot of people with trauma experience, especially when submission and regression are tied to feeling completely safe with someone. When that trust has been violated before, it can become almost impossible to separate genuine intentions from the fear that someone is only being patient and caring because they want access to you sexually.

Please don’t be hard on yourself for pulling away. Sometimes that instinct is your mind trying to protect you. You don’t owe anyone your vulnerability, your regression, or your submission just because you have a connection with them.

The right person won’t rush you. They’ll understand that trust is something they have to earn through consistency, patience, honesty, and how they treat you when they aren’t getting anything from you. Pay attention to actions more than words.

And I think it’s important to remember that healing doesn’t mean becoming someone who trusts everyone again. Sometimes healing is learning to trust yourself enough to recognize the red flags, honor your boundaries, and walk away when something doesn’t feel right.

You deserve a connection where your little side feels protected—not something you have to be afraid to give away.

As a survivor of severe childhood trauma I've learned that coming to terms with that abuse is very important. Self healing and growing allow me to develop the self-esteem and self respect that was taken from from me. From that comes the confidence to communicate openly and honestly with my partner. Though it's not my job to judge others, the knowledge and experience lets me see (and feel) if my partner may have issues or be unsafe.