What makes a person safe?

These responses have been amazing.
Thank you everyone 🙏

I know if I can hold a space open, be still and let whatever unfold in it, there's safety.
I think I do that well with family and a couple of friends.
I know if more expectations ste held than just showing up and enjoying each other's company, there's danger.
That danger doesn't exist in healthy family relationships and platonic friendships because love in them is more unconditional.
In romantic relationships love isn't unconditional. It's based on chemistry, physical attraction, mutual interest, and fascination.
It's dangerous. Fascination and interest can wane. You also don't chose your family, but you choose your lovers, and who doesn't question their choices at some point?
You bare your souls to each other in romantic relationships and trust that your lover doesn't poke their finger in your pain, and trust yourself not to be so insensitive and ignorant that you poke your finger in theirs.
I've struggled feeling safe and being safe.
I’m trying just to be a good friend.
When there's anxiety and avoidance, I guess you just hold the space open and let it breathe.
Every relationship has to grow to thrive, which means you have to grow. It's just if you're feeling their nerves, you're feeling yours too.
Hold the space open without sabotaging it out of your own self preservation impulses, that's the trick.
Trust is big and I have to trust in more than myself and more than the person I am with. I have to trust the universe that if I hurt them or they hurt me, we're both going to learn and grow.
Where there's love, there's fear, and I've gotten over choosing from fear.
I listen to it, though, and the big question is always “what are you afraid of?”
There's judgement, abandonment, exposure, and all manner of shit to be afraid of. Well, what if, then? Will I be okay?
Yeah, I will. I am pretty sensitive, but I'm pretty tough, too.
Be still, hold that space open, and see what happens.
I guess in answer to your question, people who aren't safe are those who consciously try to control by conquering space or subconsciously try to control by flooding it with their anxiety.
I mean, if you've let someone nail you to a table, you sure as he'll know a lot more about who's safe than I do .
I thank you for the opportunity to reflect on it, and see where I am in my own journey, though.

The safety question is exceptional. First, I need to consider what I define as safety. I think someone who hears me. Who lets me exist whole and doesn't tell me I'm too much. I can give quite a bit of what I don't consider safe. However, how I judge safety does truly depend on what level of safety we are talking about.

I find my safety detection system to be broken...as it has not been the best at keeping me safe.

See how they react when they are angry.

Still feel safe?

I think safety in a relationship is about how both people behave, especially during disagreements. It's important to be able to express hurt, disagree and take responsibility for mistakes without insults, intimidation or humiliation. Both people should be willing to reflect on their own behaviour, rather than focusing solely on the other person's reactions.

Speaking from a submissive viewpoint: For me, safety in a BDSM dynamic is about so much more than safewords, negotiation checklists, and someone telling you how experienced they are. Those things matter, absolutely, but the real measure of someone's experience is how they treat you, especially when they don't get what they want.

One thing I've learned from my last dynamic is that saying you're experienced and actually having the experience to back it up are two very different things. Someone can know all the right terminology, confidently explain risk awareness, and tell you everything you want to hear during vetting. That doesn't automatically make them a safe, responsible, or trustworthy Dominant.

Some of my biggest green flags:

1. They welcome questions. They don't get defensive, condescending, or offended when you ask about their experience, expectations, protocols, or how they handle difficult situations.

2. This is a HUGE green flag and sadly a huge issue I've dealt with. Their actions match their words. They demonstrate consistency over time rather than making grand promises in the beginning. They don't expect you to trust them simply because they say you should.

3. They respect your boundaries without punishment. No sulking, guilt-tripping, withdrawing affection, questioning your submission, or suggesting you're not ready for a dynamic because you said no.

4. They understand that consent is ongoing. Negotiation isn't a one-time conversation, and consent isn't a blank check. A Dominant who understands this knows that limits can change (sometimes limit is a temporary thing), safewords are always valid, and stopping doesn't make someone a bad submissive.

5. They can admit when they don't know something. Someone who acknowledges their limitations, seeks education, and asks questions is far more reassuring to me than someone who claims to know everything.

6. They take accountability. They can acknowledge mistakes without making excuses, blaming you, or turning themselves into the victim. They focus on repairing harm and changing behavior, not just saying sorry.

7. They care about aftercare and the person beyond the dynamic. They understand that the human being doesn't stop existing when a scene ends. They care about your physical and emotional well-being, including when it's inconvenient for them.

8. Something I never thought I would actually have to list out and it isn't just automatic. They respect the vetting process. They're willing to provide references where appropriate, discuss their history honestly, answer reasonable questions, and allow you time to make an informed decision. They don't rush you into submission or commitment.

9. They understand that trust is earned. They don't demand access to your deepest vulnerabilities and then expect you to prove your devotion by taking bigger risks.

And some red flags I would take seriously:

1. Someone who uses their years in the lifestyle, titles, reputation, or number of submissives they've had as proof that they are automatically safe.

2. Someone who tells you that your questions mean you're distrustful, difficult, inexperienced, not submissive enough, or incapable of surrendering.

3. Someone who answers your concerns by twisting your words, making you doubt your recollection of conversations, or convincing you that your discomfort is a personal failing. Pay attention if you repeatedly leave conversations confused, apologizing, or questioning whether you're allowed to have a boundary.

4. I don't even understand why this is a thing that I've come up against, but someone who treats limits as challenges to overcome, negotiable obstacles, or evidence that you don't trust them enough.

5. Someone who wants total power, obedience, protocols, or ownership immediately, before they've demonstrated that they can responsibly handle even a small amount of authority. Why? Why do we have to jump in? Yeah it's fun, but so is getting to know someone.

6. Kinda goes with #5, but it's good to list out separately. Someone who uses Dominance as an excuse for controlling your money, friendships, clothing, healthcare, work, or access to support before there has been meaningful discussion and freely given consent. Even in high-control dynamics, safeguards and genuine consent still matter.

7. Someone who dismisses safewords, minimizes risk, refuses to discuss safer practices, or insists that a sufficiently submissive person shouldn't need to use a safeword.

8. Someone who tells you that their exes are all crazy, abusive, or entirely to blame for every failed dynamic, while accepting no responsibility for anything themselves.

9. Someone who pushes for sexual pictures, personal information, financial control, risky play, or an in-person meeting before you've established trust.

10. Someone whose behavior changes dramatically when you disagree, say no, ask for clarification, or want to slow things down.

11. Someone who makes you responsible for managing their emotions. Get a therapist. You should not have to surrender a boundary to prevent their anger, disappointment, withdrawal, or threats.

12. Someone who uses BDSM terminology to disguise ordinary manipulation. Calling something a protocol, punishment, training, or a test of submission doesn't automatically make it ethical.

My biggest piece of advice is this: Pay attention to how someone responds when you don't give them the answer they want. It's easy to seem respectful when everything is going your way. You learn much more about someone's character when you establish a boundary, ask an uncomfortable question, or tell them you're not ready.

Don't let someone gaslight you into dismissing your instincts during vetting. You don't have to prove that someone is objectively dangerous to decide they're not right for you. You don't need a courtroom's worth of evidence to walk away from a situation that makes you uncomfortable.

And please remember that you can be experienced, intelligent, well-informed, and genuinely interested in power exchange and still be manipulated. That doesn't make you stupid or weak. Manipulation works precisely because it can be difficult to recognize when you're emotionally invested or when someone knows how to present themselves as exactly what you've been looking for.

For me, a safe Dominant isn't someone who promises that nothing bad will ever happen. It's someone who understands the responsibility they're taking on, is honest about what they can and cannot offer, respects your autonomy, takes risk seriously, and demonstrates through consistent behavior that your trust is being handled with care.

You can be a submissive who wants to surrender control without surrendering your judgment. You can want to be owned without giving someone unrestricted access to hurt you. And you can respect someone's Dominance without treating them as infallible.

A healthy dynamic should give you room to feel vulnerable without making you powerless to protect yourself.