Deciphering

Deciphering

Submerged81​(sub female) • Nov 1, 2018

How does one really know if he is a true dom? I hear many stories but I am only looking for the truth!!

FabSeverus​(dom male) • Nov 1, 2018

Its a difficult one, but asking the right questions is a good start. There are already some advices and tips on the forum, about how not fall into the wrong hands....

alawey​(sub female){(OWNED BY } • Nov 1, 2018

I think that only you can truely know this in one sense.

Because what is right for you may be wrong for someone else.

Althought i would say :
1. Are there red flags
2. How do they make you feel
3. Read and look into urself and know what you want abd need

For starters...

Sorry im sure i could answer this a bit better. But my meds are kicking in for my fever

MasterBear​(other butch) • Nov 2, 2018

Define "true" please.

Bunnie • Nov 2, 2018

@ Submerged81... in all honesty... one never really knows. People lie and people cheat and people pretend. Unfortunately, like any other relationship, it’s difficult to know beforehand. Time and experience will teach you some of your own methods as to how to find the person that is right for you. However, as stated above, there are definitely red flags to look out for, for safety purposes. There are forums and blogs about those.
If it’s more of an emotional protection, that’s up to the individual. How fast or slow, or how much you want to invest or not. There’s always risk involved when you open yourself emotionally to another person. I believe there’s someone for everyone... however, something as simple as being a mismatch, can have a very negative impact emotionally.
From what I’ve learned, my advice would be to be honest with yourself, trust your gut, and have patience. Just keep talking and asking questions. Facades can’t last forever.

Fudbar​(dom male){❤️❤️❤️} • Nov 2, 2018

Normally I'd have something to add here, but Bunnie nailed it. Print that answer out and stick it on a wall. And trust yourself. Shit happens.

Submerged81​(sub female) • Nov 3, 2018

I want to thank you all for your kind advice and knowing what I want and to communicate that with someone I am in the right direction but baby steps right...?

MissBonnie​(dom female){oz} • Nov 4, 2018

Baby steps are always a good thing. Trust YOU. Bunnie gave you wonderful advise. I have a friend her fav saying is "how do you eat an elephant? ..one bite at a time" Maybe if you look at your "elephant" differently and just take things a bite at time (baby steps) it will all clarify for you.

DrWakko • Nov 5, 2018

I think your best bet for finding a Dom is to get involved in your local bdsm community. A good community will be on the look out for fakes and predators. They will also be able to vett and vouch for other community members. This is not fail safe, and there are always bad eggs in the bunch.

Being on the internet its best to use your own judgement. I talk to a lot of people in the chat room, but I don't know if I would ever vouch for them. And if I would vouch for them its because we have several common acquaintances who have established themselves in the bdsm community.

dollMaker​(dom male) • Nov 5, 2018

Learn as much as you can about BDSM, and the various types and ways its done. You can read lots of books to do this and visit websites like the submissives guide, the companion site the dominant guide and I would suggest submissives guide YouTube channel, Evie Lupines You Tube channel and Morgan Thornes. These are all generally considered good sources of information, and while there are some areas of disagreement between them its pretty small.

Things you want to experience read up on them and visit demo nights days at your local dungeon, and workshops and events that cover these areas of interest. I would also suggest attending workshops and discussion group nights, days covering general topics as well.

This may sound unusual but also learn how to do things you are interested in. By knowing how to do them, what should be done you can spot unsafe people or those who frankly have not got a clue what they are doing. Easy to spot if you know, but not so easy if you have no clue yourself.

With knowledge and education comes power and ability to suss out who is genuine, safe, experienced and knowledgable. Without that its very hard to do so, whether online only or physical world or both.

Now this advice is often ignorred in the head long rush and desperation to get stuck in, my advice, well meant, is don't. Learn first, take your time and trust very slowly. Dont allow yourslf to be charmed or sweet talked into doing anything. Being straight up frank here, assume everyone is bad, until they prove they aren't. That way you can stay safe, and keep yourself from getting hurt or abused.

Regarding the physical world, communities and munches too much is made by some as to how safe they are compared to say online, and how they are self policed. I hate to say this, but I feel I must, that is simple plain misleading. There is just as much risk physical world as online, regarding bad people, and again being very frank its harder to get hurt physically online, not impossible, than it is person to person in the physical world. The net is littered with horror stories regarding bad, abusive incidents, consent violations, abuse experiences and people in all sorts of BDSM communities, and even leadership and teaching roles, who alas were missed by the so called vetters, not spotted for being dangerous, sometimes who themselves have turned out to be consent violators, and abusers. Not everyone who seems nice and charming is. I am not saying don't get involved in or attend munches etc but please do not assume its safer than anywhere else, as its not. Keep your wits about you and take your time.

I dont say the above lightly, but it is my obsevered and direct experience informing that view and I strongly feel it is misleading amd dangerous to paint a picture that suggest that their are less risks in the physical world, than on the online one. Care, comon sense must be taken in both to stay safe.

Please take your time, be careful and trust slowly and I sincerly hope you find the person, or pesons who are the right match for you, your interests by which to have safe, fully consensual, ethusiastic fun.