I want to try something different

I want to try something different

lczxx​(neither female) • Dec 1, 2018

I have been wanting more aggression during sex with my more stud-like girlfriend, she is much older than me and has given me very little new experiences in the bedroom which has been making me convert to porn. I catch myself watching very feminine woman, tying up and women just in general. I have never experienced BDSM but because "vanilla" sex doesn't/hasn't worked for me, should I express this new fantasy to my significant other? or experience this on my own while I'm young?

Open to all replies, please give me advice!

Bunnie • Dec 1, 2018

Hi @ Iczxx... welcome
My advice is pretty generic and cliché... however, I’ve come to learn that a lot of clichés are clichés for a reason.
My suggestion would be to talk with your partner.... I don’t mean in the sense of just sitting down and talking... I mean in the sense of honest, quality communication and sharing. In my opinion, this so very important in any relationship, let alone exploring bdsm. Whether you decide to explore together, or with other people, I’d still suggest talking with your partner about it. Maybe you could use the porn you’ve been watching as a way of showing her the things that you’re finding yourself drawn to. I think one of the most important, yet difficult things to do, is opening up and sharing, and making yourself so vulnerable. Good luck with it, and I hope you get some advice that resonates with you

MasterBear​(other butch) • Dec 1, 2018

Good sex at any age.

PHENOMENAL SEX as you age.

Tell her everything.

If you have a hard time talking face to face ---
Try texting.
It removes the loaded immediacy of the emotional response.


Try email.


Get porn for the both of you. Start a discussion.

Dont stop talking.

HuntertheYeenQueen​(dom femme){Allie Kat} • Dec 1, 2018

You absolutely need to talk to her before doing anything else. If you dont, theres no way for her to know what you want or need. She isnt a mind reader, no one is, no matter how well you know each other.

Your wondering if you should experience it on your own, has me wondering what you mean. If you wish to do that you need to let her know that as well. See how she would feel. She needs to give you permission to do that, say she is okay with it, otherwise, while you're in that relationship, its not an option for you.

You might be surprised how much things can change for you once you start to openly talk and let her know how you feel. My husband was brutally honest with me, telling me he was ready for a sexless marriage because I was often asking for things he wasnt interested in or okay with, as we were vanilla for most of our relationship and my lack of knowledge on BDSM was forcing him to be something other than submissive. And while he loved me to the point that he couldn't leave, he was getting to a spot where he wasnt happy with our sex life. It was hurting him too much. And that was a huge slap in the face and now, here we are. I'm his Domme, albeit I'm still learning, but I did a lot of soul-searching and trying to figure myself out, because he needed something to be happy.

I say all of this to give you proof that talking /does/ help, and sometimes it's all you need to fix things. But you need to be /brutally honest/. Dont hold /anything/ back. If it doesn't work, if she is unwilling to do some things you would like or at least to compromise (and /you/ have to be willing to compromise too, if this isnt something she is really into), then you have to be ready to decide how much you love her, and how much this exploration means to you.

That last sentance shouldn't be as much of a worry until you talk to her but you do need to kind of prepare yourself for it.

Talk to her. See where it goes. And if you want or need any help, my inbox is always open.

Onlinedomguy​(dom male) • Dec 2, 2018

Just talk to her. Just like you would do about anything important. Try to explain to her the why, just not the want. Explain why sharing this with her matters to you. Be prepared for questions and for her to possibly be uncomfortable. Be patient. Do not feel like you have to go from where you are today to some fantasy you have. Forget the porn you have watched, it is likely real life will be different. Remember, for any kind of BDSM play open communication is essential.

Be patient and supportive. Dont get caught up in your own desires, ask about hers. She may have her own, different, same, or somewhere in between. Listen to her words and her body language.

Honestly the comment about experiencing it on your own and not talking to her said alot to me. If you are in a commitment relationship with no agreement about outside play, your should want to share with her.

Not sure why you see that as an option before giving her a chance to hear and discuss your desires. But it is your relationship...

lczxx​(neither female) • Dec 2, 2018

I have brought up my physical desires and wants/needs, I've never mentioned the BDSM part of my desires but I have expressed to her the need for more foreplay or more teasing and aggression, I've shown her a couple things I like as well and its like she understands but when sex comes around it's the same things happening. I'm not sure if she took my conversation about our sex seriously, but it doesn't feel as though she did. I'm kinda lost, if she can't compromise or accomadate to my simple pleasures I'm afraid my more "freaky" questions or desires will be ignored or looked at weirdly.