I don't know what to do and need a bit of advice

I have been in communication with a man for almost 8 months now and I don't know where I should go with it.

He and I have not met in person yet, he has told me he is a public figure and needs to keep his identity secure. I didn't believe him and still kind of don't. I have asked many many questions trying to catch him in a lie but everything has lined up this entire time. He has yet to tell me his name or anything else.

He wants a full time 24/7 tpe blanket consent and no limits/boundaries slave. I know he is a cruel sadistic man, he has always been upfront with that. That it would include very heavy dehumanization, degradation, humiliation, and abuse. I would live as his pet with no human rights or privileges, that he would do anything he wants with me.

The original plan when we first met was for me to do a 6 month training period with him, he would visit me for a week and then at that point it would be decided if he would keep me and I would move to him or he wouldn't keep me or if I need more training. Over the months I talked with him and his long time slave of 20 years. Then one month before the 6 month date he just ghosted. He came back after just over a month, I bitched him out and he said good bye. I couldn't stop thinking about it, ghosting like that wasn't in line with what I had experienced with him.

So I messaged him again a couple weeks later and asked him why he didn't just take 2 minutes while he took a shit to tell me he would be unavailable for an extended time. He told me then that his long time slave had passed away unexpectedly while he was out of the country. Told me he didn't handle it well and just shut down for a month. I know that exact pain. So I talked with him and agreed to continue but that I would not give him anything until I could physically verify his identity. He agreed.

I haven't felt a pull to anyone as hard as I feel a pull to him. Even before his loss. I know there's a fuck load of red flags none of which he has ever tried to hide. He honestly has been incredibly clear about them, including being honest about not feeling any empathy or remorse. Making the assumption everything He has told me is not a lie, I'm all in.

The one thing I can't get past is he wants to get my mother to give him oral. I have told him I do not think that it will work, I know my mom what with she's my mom. He just told me today how he plans to do it, during the week that he visits me he said he's going to send videos of him beating me and using me and having me thank him afterwards to her. Then he will give her the proposition to blow him to make the beatings stop. She would probably do it but it could very likely break her.

I am well aware of how incredibly fucked that is. I know common sense says I should walk away, then I think about telling him and everything inside me screams not to. I don't understand why. I don't understand why I have such a need for him, why there's a part of me that's actually considering letting him do it.

For some context, I have been in abusive relationships (not physical) before and I will walk the fuck away and not feel bad. I have never in my life felt as submissive as I do to this man. No one has ever affected me like this man has.

Are you teasing us?

Around here consent is a dealbreaker. It is the line between BDSM and abuse.

Your fella wants CNC with you... ok... might be a bad idea... but cool.
Your fella wants to violate the consent of your mother, then use coercion, and deceit to further violate her.
I see why this bothers you. You can't consent on her behalf... you can only consent to becoming her abuser in this scenario.

It is possible he's just a fantasist, which might explain his anonymity and his sudden absence.
It is possible he's a masterful manipulator and has given you the breadcrumbs to make you frenzy for him.

I'm more curious about you than him though... he seems... kinda dull.
- Are you often drawn to red flags?
- What red flags would send you running the other direction?

Editted to add advice:
- Take some courses and do some reading on Consent in the lifestyle.
- Self-reflect on why you are drawn to someone who has a complicated relationship with consent.
- Identify what patterns of behavior he exhibits that appeal to you.
- Idenitfy your attachment style and work and building a healthy, secure attachment style. (Anxious attachment style + avoidant behavior is an explosive cocktail.)
- Be part of the community without looking for something or someone for awhile.
- Recognize that having boundaries and allowing boundaries is considered a green flag for consensual play.
- Research and determine your safety ethos, and allow your ethics to guide you to the right partners.

Good luck!

I'm drawn to some luke warm red flags but they've never been any big ones. I'm honestly a bit of an asshole and have no problem standing up for myself, which I have done with him.

Other than the whole mom thing, which does have a lot to do with consent because I don't particularly care if she did give him oral consensually. I would say hurting my pets. That I won't accept for a second and have said as such.

I know he would abuse me hard, I know he would mind fuck me hard. Hell I already know he is a master manipulator. That's why I just don't know what to do, it is out of my character to accept those things. I have told men to eat shit and die for much less than the things he has said.

I have to agree with everything FluffyPoppet has said. This lifestyle is about consent and there is game playing and manipulation and an abuser using this lifestyle to be abusive. The hurt to your mom and coercion to her? Not cool and an automatic deal breaker.

I do not have the same interests as you, so it is hard for me to give advice, but if you have apprehension, listen to your gut. Tell him to hit the road.

The two ladies above have made the most important points, so no need to dog pile on top. I would simply say break from him and give yourself enough time to recover from your addiction to him. It's like beating heroin or nicotine: it's going to take a while.

If I'm reading this properly, you've never even met him in person. You have no ability to know if he's actually living in his parent's basement working the late night shift at a convenience store (not that there is anything wrong with them). So he's a very public figure who needs to keep his identity secure? I call shenanigans. If he cannot tell you who he is after "8 months" and I'm going to go on a limb and guess he's literally seen "all of you" and knows you well enough to know about your family, then he is lying about who he is. Completely.

You have a nagging suspicion as you've indicated that he is lying. And it's that question; that unanswered puzzle; that is probably keeping you attached more than anything else. He is only playing mind games with you because you let him. Break the cycle and find someone else. There are plenty of sadists who would treat you much better. And wouldn't involve your mother.

This is so ridiculous, it must be a troll.

It's not. I'm aware it ridiculous as I have already said. I am also aware that I do feel a heavy pull towards him. Thus I look for community to talk about it with.

The fact he won’t reveal his identity after 8 months, ghosted you and every other red flag already pointed out let me say this as an experienced sub of 30 years this is beyond unhealthy. He is a narcissist and this is what trauma bonding looks like. Don’t walk, RUN away immediately go no contact. This is not safe, sane or consensual. He is a walking boatload of red flags. This is coercive control. Him saying with his full chest he lacks empathy should’ve sent you running for the hills instantly. As someone still recovering from a narcissistic trauma bond it’s blaringly obvious but that’s because I’m still in therapy for the trauma suffered from one exactly like this. It’s a pattern and he will absolutely ghost you again or punish with the silent treatment and further manipulation. Please for your own mental health immediately go no contact and seek out a kink aware trauma therapist. The recovery from this is beyond brutal and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.

Make sure before you meet this gargantuan red flag in person that your mom has your dental records, dna swab, fingerprint card and hair sample it will make identification easier.

Fishing nailed it, 8 months and zero identity.
Something very fishy going on!