Cultivating a New D/s Relationship | Grooming

Cultivating a New D/s Relationship | Grooming

Resilient Pearl​(other female){Protected} • Nov 14, 2018

Much of the power dynamic—and excitement that fosters bonding—in a D/s relationship is cerebral, which takes time and emotional investment to develop.

My first D/s relationship did not explicitly begin as such, rather developed over time, was both deliciously intense and challenging, and was characterized by covert grooming (for lack of a better term), which I enthusiastically welcomed.

I’d love to hear about the experiences of others in the community. Walk me through how you were shown the ropes (pun intended).

- RP

MasterBear​(other butch) • Nov 14, 2018

I accidentally put this in another post where I read the question wrong. Lol...


In our beginning I was going to nursing school full time and working multiple jobs.

The books at the time didn't really speak to where I was and what my goals were.

The internet was still kind of new to BDSM, so My love would print out stuff for me.

Because we were really poor, the Florida bash was way out of our price range. All Munch's were at restaurants where you had to buy a meal. So if I wasn't working, we still couldn't afford to go.

There was a certain amount of attempted undermining and manipulation in the beginning, so My love and I isolated ourselves to a point. This came from two places. 1 people were generally pissed that My love was off Market. And 2 people were generally pissed that I was a woman.

When time permitted I learned skills from those who would teach. Specifically single tail.

When time and money permitted we would go to a party or meeting and I asked every question under the sun. I didn't get a lot of answers that I felt really addressed what I needed, but I didn't stop asking.


Our first three years together I never locked her collar. We had a collaring ceremony after that time when I locked it for the first time. During those first 3 years I considered us both in training. I was long-term goal oriented and I wanted to know what was viable.


When we moved to New Mexico, I took a more active engagement in my own learning. I went to every munch, every meeting, every play party that I could. I watched, asked questions, and evaluated myself.


I organized skills groups for the public. Brought in teachers, got a venue, and participated.

I did not surround myself with Yes Man. That's significant. A lot of people do. I wanted to surround myself with people who would challenge me, hold me accountable, and had my best interest for growth at heart.

Overtime, we taught classes, attempted to mentor ( oy), and generally shared our own story- with an emphasis on candor and honesty.

Overtime, I developed a strict code of accessibility. I was going to work to make this as easy for others as possible. I was going to attempt to give others the skills that I never had in those first five- six years.

I have never stopped learning the ropes. There will always be a skill that I can improve or would like to learn. There will always be theories and people who have taken BDSM to the next level for them that I want to learn from.

I want to always be learning the ropes.

Resilient Pearl​(other female){Protected} • Nov 14, 2018

Thank you for your thoughtful reply MasterBear.

I especially appreciate your emphasis on long-term goal orientation and mutual exploration - both of the self and others.

I have a few follow up questions. May I PM you sometime or would you prefer I post them here for the benefit of the forum?

Peace,

-RP

Fudbar​(dom male){❤️❤️❤️} • Nov 14, 2018

I'm not so sure covert grooming is healthy. Overt yes. I've seen too many D types try to pretend that basic communication and bonding techniques are some sort of personal mystical ability that makes them special.

I don't hide behind that and try to explain those very things and the reasons they work. The key difference is a sub that is left with more understanding of the techniques and how to spot and practice them overall rather than one that simply thinks "Wow, this D is something special...".

MasterBear​(other butch) • Nov 14, 2018

@ ResilentPearl


Which ever you perfer:)

NaivelyOptimistic​(sub female) • Nov 14, 2018

I really like the idea of this question, and I love that so many come into this world from different avenues.

But I don't love the word grooming. It leave me in a weird, bad place. Typically, the whole point of grooming is to establish enough trust to break down boundaries in order to create an environment of abuse. I understand that's not what we're talking about here, but that's why I appreciate the distinction @Fud is drawing. When D/s dynamics rely so heavily on trust, to manipulate that through covert grooming, where one party is hyper-aware of the situation and is meticulously arranging things so the other party gains more confidence, more interest in kink, more romantic interest, what-have-you, that's terribly deceptive.

Overt grooming, which would be more like pursuit or dating or what my Ma-Ma called courtin', that can be much more upfront and honest about intentions and motivations, from both parties, right from the start. While more is at stake here because a frog is more likely to jump out of boiling water than if you put him in cool water and slowly turn up the heat, it also restores agency to the one 'being groomed,' allowing them to take in everything that is being offered, everything that is at stake, and make a decision.

I have no firsthand D/s experiences to offer to this discussion, but I will say that as someone who is highly cerebral (an obnoxious overthinker), probably some version of a demisexual, I am drawn in to the BDSM world because I do feel there's a deeper connection there than many offered in casual dating. Ironically though, from what I've seen in my local community, there are also MANY seeking the casual kink who I will need to sift through first. So I'm not sure how long it will take me to find the kind of connection we're discussing, but I'm confident it can exist.

Resilient Pearl​(other female){Protected} • Nov 14, 2018

@Fudbar and NaivleyOptimistic: thank you for you thoughtful replies; I appreciate the diversity of perspectives.

(Forgive my word choice—I understand how triggering certain language can be—forgive my word choice and thank you telling me; I will more mindful in the future.)

NaivelyOptimistic​(sub female) • Nov 14, 2018

I didn't think it was intentional at all, RP. And I really love your question-- I read it earlier and thought how insightful it was.

I wanted to air my thoughts more for anyone else who might come from a similar background. If you've ever been groomed for abuse in real life, it can be daunting to then be discussing your D/s grooming in positive terms unless you've done a lot of good, deep work on yourself. If that work hasn't taken place, I can imagine you might be too quick to equate the two-- to assume, even subconsciously, that abusive grooming techniques are acceptable in the D/s world because those dynamics feel familiar and you don't know how to separate the two.

Nothing you said implied any of this But because we all come from different avenues, some of us have to work through these kinds of things. But thank goodness not all of us.

Fudbar​(dom male){❤️❤️❤️} • Nov 14, 2018

@NO...yep, it oooks me out for exactly the same reasons. Very specific meaning and behaviors re:abuse. No place in BDSM discussion there.

@RP.. I see your side as well and know that was the last way you ever meant for your comments to be taken.

Resilient Pearl​(other female){Protected} • Nov 14, 2018

@Fudbar: Not so much ‘sides’—connoting a dichotomy—rather a diversity of perspectives, all of which are valid and valued.

Thank you for your thoughtful replies. I look forward to reading more responses to the post.

- RP