Kinky and Married | Navigation and Self-discovery

Kinky and Married | Navigation and Self-discovery

Resilient Pearl​(other female){Protected} • Nov 19, 2018

Kinky, married, and non-monomogous: interested in hearing others’ (married/LT coupled/partnered) experiences navigating the BDSM lifestyle, whether it be 24/7, or ‘as life permits,’ specifically:

• Were you both ‘open’ before joining the community and/or exploring the lifestyle;

• What challenges did you face, navigating/exploring together or separately;

• Resources you benefited from - individually or separately;

• Transcending previous limitations: did you ‘dip your toes in,’ jump in ‘with both feet,’ or some combination of the two?

Please feel free to be as candid and detailed as you feel comfortable with.

Gratitude,

-RP

Fudbar​(dom male){❤️❤️❤️} • Nov 19, 2018

Interested to see where this goes. Plenty kinky and married here..non monogamous, not so much. It ranges from tacit but unspoken "don't ask, don't tell" to "they have no clue I'm even kinky and would break their heart if they knew'.

It's a very grey, nuanced, painful and personal thing for most. Honesty and communication are at the core of kink, and some folks can do that with a Dom but not a spouse. It's an internal conflict that tears many apart.

We all judge a bit, but the specific truths and stories are always more difficult.. especially with children involved.

Share if you can folks; it can help with the pain.

Resilient Pearl​(other female){Protected} • Nov 19, 2018

@Fudbar:

Appreciate your reply. I hadn’t considered that perspective, and should probably add a qualifier:

My spouse and are openly/consentually non-monogamous.

This may change the context of the question; in fact, I’m sure it will. I would love to hear any and all experiences though.

Thank you for sharing,

-RP

Fudbar​(dom male){❤️❤️❤️} • Nov 19, 2018

Yep, hope so too. Don't wanna see those who struggle the most feel left out. I'm divorced and poly myself.

MasterBear​(other butch) • Nov 19, 2018

I'm looking forward to reading this thread.

We are poly, married, and leather.

So we dont apply here.

Resilient Pearl​(other female){Protected} • Nov 19, 2018

@MasterBear & Fudbar:

Appreciate the responses.

I’ll rephrase to be more inclusive:

• Were you in a monogamous relationship with your current partner before joining this community? If not, what was your relationship dynamic at that time;

• After identifying with this community, with your partner(s), what challenges did you face, navigating/exploring together or separately. For example, did your previous relationship dynamic (mono, or non-mono - any variation of..) change;

• Where there resources you and/or your partners benefited from - individually or separately - to help navigate that change in relationship dynamic I/A;

• Transcending previous limitations: did you and/or your partner(s) ‘dip your toes in,’ jump in ‘with both/many feet,’ or some combination of the two?

Please feel free to be as candid and detailed as you feel comfortable with.

Gratitude,

-RP

MasterBear​(other butch) • Nov 20, 2018

@RP


Before joining I was monogamous and my love was poly.

After we got together we became what I call poly theory.

Then 8 years ago we met out third and became poly in practice.



As far as problems-

They were mostly from my loves ex.
He was touching my love inappropriately.
He said that because he was in the community longer then I was, that I was in essence "under" him. I had to comply with what he did.


Ppl in the community had HUGE issues with me being a woman.

Ppl had HUGE issues with the changes they saw in my love.

Ppl had HUGE issues with my love not being "available ".


Resources-

The book --'The Ethical Slut

We went to poly retreats.

But mostly my love found a woman who had been in a " V " for years and she talked with me via phone. And helped me find my way.



I was in school full time and working multiple jobs. And we were poor.
Like P-O-O-R

So I didn't have the time or resources to get into to much trouble.

We took our time.

Is that what your looking for ?

Resilient Pearl​(other female){Protected} • Nov 20, 2018

@MasterBear:

Thank you for your thoughtful response. A few follow-up questions and comments; the latter first.

Comments:

(1) I’m so sorry you and your Love had to deal with that behavior (challenges) from their ex. 100% not okay, and frankly - with respect - sounds like the ex had some major issues. I won’t digress.

(2) It also makes me sad to read your (you both) having to deal with so much negativity from others. I’ve read you describe this in other posts. (In my experience, people fear and reject what they don’t understand, still 100% unacceptable.)

Questions:

In my experience, seeing positive examples of lifestyles, behaviors, etc., modeled in my life can help shift my perspectives about things and consider other perspectives, sometimes it can inspire me to adopt other lifestyles, behaviors, etc.
(1) Did meeting other poly folks have a positive effect on you, as someone who was shifting from a mono to poly dynamic? The woman your Love found in a “V” perhaps?

(2) In a “V”?

(3) Poly Theory? (I can look it up but I’d rather understand your interpretation.)

MasterBear, I really appreciate the time you take to respond to questions.

Gratitude,

-RP

Resilient Pearl​(other female){Protected} • Nov 20, 2018

@Fudbar:

“We all judge a bit, but the specific truths and stories are always more difficult.. especially with children involved.”
.[/quote]

IMO judgement has no home here. I’m here to listen, learn, grow, and—when welcome and solicited—offer support.

(If that’s EVER not the case, I expect the people I call ‘friends’ in my life to call me out so I can grow.)

-RP

MasterBear​(other butch) • Nov 20, 2018

@RP

As I look back now it what happened then I realize that is a blueprint of what absolutely not to do. And it truly helped build my current philosophy of making it easier for people coming up.


The biggest support when it came to poly people was meeting the woman who was in The V. We talked and if I remember it wasn't a lot of conversations but it was deep conversations. She taught me how to have boundaries. And to ask for what I want and that was a very new thing for me.

By V i mean she is married, her husband has another partner, but she is not involved with that other partner. So they characterize their relationship as poly / mono. She was monogamous he was polyamorous. And that's how we were in our beginning as well. I was monogamous and my love was polyamorous




Poly Theory was our way of saying that my love was looking for other partners, dating, but nothing serious was happening. So she was with me for years and not seeing another partner consistently. So we called it poly Theory because she was still poly but not active.


I would like to note here that when she met who eventually became our third, it rocked our marriage. I knew that our third was a quality person. I knew I had no issue with them. But it was all of the sudden the real-time adjustment of going from poly Theory to poly reality.

That was a very hard adjustment for me for a lot of reasons.


You had said that positive things and interaction you also want to hear about. So here you go---

When my love and I were first together during those first three years she never had a locking collar. Year 3 I had just graduated with my RN degree and it was time for us to get married IE collard. The one place that I had gone consistently to play parties was this Ranch in the middle of nowhere in Florida. The man who owned it was an old Vietnam vet and recovering addict. So I went to him and I asked if we could have our collaring ceremony on his property. He looked me up and down, became very hesitant, and then said yes. He explains that he only wanted to make his place available for people that were really going to be doing this for the rest of their lives. I nodded and agreed and told him that I understood. A couple of weeks before our collaring ceremony my love was at the ranch while I was working when the owner of the ranch pulled my love aside. He explained to her that when his friends found out that he was hosting a lesbian coloring they gave him an ultimatum. And he told them to fuck off.

About 3 days before the ceremony my love gets a call from ranches owners slave. She asked my love what was her favorite flower? My love answered roses and orchids. The woman swore and hung up.

When we arrived at the ranch for our ceremony it was covered and roses and orchids. The owner of the ranch gifted me with my first pair of matching floggers which I still have and cherish to this day. So many beautiful things. So many people who treated us so well. So many people who showed us how you're supposed to be.

When I talk about paying it forward it's not just a skill thing. It's an emotional thing. Owner of the ranch lost friendships that he had had for over 50 years because of his stance on our coloring. When his brother died we went to the funeral. We will never forget what he and his exhausted slave did for us. Never forget. Pay it forward.