Illness and bdsm

Illness and bdsm

SirHanz​(dom male){Minx} • Jan 3, 2019

Time for a serious topic, one that can be hard to deal with in the community.
Chronic illness.
Both sub and dom have needs and wants, but what happens when you are part of that dynamic and your partner finds out they have a debilitating illness. 
The first reaction is "of course I would stay with them and care for them".
Then months slip away and it starts to dawn on you what that really means.... no more play.. they are either unable or in pain... seeing a loved one suffering and knowing you cant help... it makes you feel sad and helpless.
Time moves on, and your unfulfilled wants and needs grow harder to control. 

There is no good answer here.
Do you hurt someone you care about while they are struggling every day?
Do you live with your unhappiness of the sake of another?

This is a hard conversation to have with a partner. Think hard. And talk to your dom/sub before it happens. You never know what the future holds. 

We all hope never to have to deal with something like this. But a dom I talk with sometimes is struggling with this now, and even after wracking my brain I am not shure what I could say that may help.
So I bring it to the community.  Part warning,  part hopeing someone more brilliant than I may have better advice I could pass along.

Stay safe, stay healthy.

MasterBear​(other butch) • Jan 3, 2019

Care giver burnout is a real and debilitating emotional reality when caring for someone with a chronic illness.


Deciding to leave an ill partner is a horrifically complex yet sometimes neccessary thing.


Illness can affect everything from physical ability to general mood and demeanor.

And the partner leaving is often times cast as a villain.


I am very different post accident.

I have to play differently, I'm quicker to temper, I have less overall ability including the basics like washing the dishes and bathing.


Everything I do is tempered by the physical cost it will take.

I would not blame my love if she left me.

I am not the same.
And she takes up all the slack.
There is less sex and less play.
And when there is sex and play I pay for it.

If she needed to be on her own or actively seek another primary I would understand.

In my head.

My heart would be another matter. ..


GREAT POST

SirHanz​(dom male){Minx} • Jan 3, 2019

Yah.. that is the dilemma. Knowing what it would do to someone's heart. And a good partner, especially within the deep connections of bdsm.... knows exactly what kind of damage they would be doing.

Thank you for your reply. I know this subject hits close to home for you.

BeneathHerNow​(sub male) • Jan 3, 2019

Sorry for your friend.
I think it cuts deeper than BDSM. Actually questions what is a relationship and how far we would go for it, even when it is basically gone as it were.
Answers that are above my plane of existence and beyond my understanding. But I know I hope I am there for someone till the bitter end if it happens to me, because I would want the same. Simple I know but its my gut reaction.

SirHanz​(dom male){Minx} • Jan 3, 2019

Mine as well. But who knows how we would feel 1.. 2 years in. And throw in the needs of bdsm... where do you even start?

KittySunflower​(sub female) • Jan 3, 2019

I work within this field and it's hard for the ones going through the illness and the partner or family.

I know for me I am loyal no matter what. I would not feel as if I'm sacrificing my happiness for the sake of staying as you mentioned. My joy and happiness will be to stay loyal to my partner no matter what.

It is a hard conversation to have but there are so many aspects to a relationship and the main one shouldn't be sexual.

If a real connection... A true deep lasting connection is made you'll figure things out.

My personal wants and needs would be to be there for my partner not myself.

Yes it hurts to watch them suffer just like children but we don't leave them behind cause our connection and love for our children runs deeper and has real meaning the same meaning and unconditional loyal love we should have for our partner.

If the main part of our BDSM relationship is just play then I can see the connection fading during hardships.

I hope all the best to your friend

BeneathHerNow​(sub male) • Jan 3, 2019

Truth

Bunnie • Jan 3, 2019

It’s so easy to say “I would do this”... until you’re in that situation. It’s difficult to be open and honest when there’s so much at stake... however, those are usually the times it’s needed the most. In my opinion, it’s not about sacrificing yourself to try to maintain what you had. It’s about trying to find a new “normal.” Communicating how you’re feeling... and listening in return to what’s being said. Openly... raw... the truth of the truth. There are many options besides stay or go. I think both would need to be willing to recognise and acknowledge that everything will change... and it needs to change in order for it to adapt to new circumstances. I see it as a readjustment to find new ways of you both maintaining nourishment within the dynamic/relationship.

SirHanz​(dom male){Minx} • Jan 3, 2019

Thanks. I will pass that along bunny. And thank you for your thoughts kitty.

BbyGirlPancake​(sub female){NotLookin} • Jan 3, 2019

If I had an illness and could no longer perform at my best be the best I was before I would be heart broken but I would let them live and be happy themselves. It wouldn't be their fault I became that way. It would be a true test of the relationship more than just BDSM.

Now other way around I would go through hell and back for my significant other. I have been their before and I would do it again. Yes the need for sex would be there but it wouldn't be what would make us. Just long distance relationships prove that. It takes a hard shell to give up some things that you may never get back but isn't that what a relationship is in a way? Not everyone is perfect its finding out what about their faults can you live with and cannot because then their faults make them who they are and you love them for it anyways.

I feel like I'm ranting but I hope it helps.